Ugly Ever After
by Lunchpail
Summary: CHAPTER 19: Lost & Found It's back to the caverns for Shrek & friends, but in the winding passageways it's all too easy to lose one's way ... and one's temper.
1.

**__**

Chapter 1

"Once Upon A Time…"

__

Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle, guarded by a terrible, fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none had prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep - in the highest room of the tallest tower - for her true love…and true love's first kiss.

And then, one day, her true love came. Clad in a suit of purest silver, the good knight charged forth, sword drawn, banner flying, and vanquished the fearsome beast. He made his way to the tower, sweeping the princess off her feet and lowering her on a golden rope out the tower's tiny window and onto his noble steed.

The brave knight carried the princess away to his stately castle, and in front of his loving subjects he made her his bride. With true love's first kiss, the curse was broken forevermore, and the handsome knight and his beautiful bride lived happily ever after…

Fiona closed the well-worn leather-bound storybook and laid it aside, chuckling to herself as she rose to her feet and brushed the dust from the rough fabric of her simple burlap dress. It was a cute story and all, and she couldn't argue with the ending, but…

Well, it was funny how "happily ever after" works out sometimes.

She had spent a lifetime waiting for some Prince Charming to come and rescue her from the gloomy keep of that not-so-terrible dragon, to sweep her off her feet and carry her to his castle on a hill. After all, that _was _how the story went. So she waited, day after day, week after week, year after year, expecting any minute to finally meet her knight in shining armor. 

Fate, though, had other ideas.

Her "knight in shining armor" turned out to be an irritable ogre in a rusty, dented helmet and slightly singed second-hand armor, and he didn't so much sweep her off her feet as drag her to her feet and push her out the door. But he _did _rescue her, and the pair soon discovered that, despite their perceived differences, there _were _feelings there. One last-minute rescue and thoroughly _un_traditional wedding later, Fiona finally had her happy ending, as Mrs.-

"Shrek!"

She beamed at the sight of her husband as he trudged up the beaten dirt path that led to their home. He wasn't exactly the prince Fiona had spent all those lonely nights dreaming of. In fact, with his splotchy, pea-green skin and the odd, trumpet-shaped ears sprouting from his lumpy bald head, Shrek was far from anyone's idea of handsome - unless that someone was-

"Fiona!"

The ogre returned his wife's warm greeting with a wave, his oversized mouth stretching into a broad grin as he dropped the heavy bag ("Probably dinner," Fiona thought to herself) slung across his shoulder and splashed across the muddy expanse between them. 

He swept Fiona up in a massive bear hug, lifting her from the ground, and the two shared the latest in a long line of passionate kisses that had followed that first, magical one. They had been married almost a year now, but it still amazed him every single time he saw Fiona that she was still there, that a princess like her would trade a chance at Prince Charming for…well, for him. 

He ran his pudgy fingers through her meticulously braided red hair and along her own trumpet ears. She had been human, once - cursed to spend her days as a princess and her nights as an ogress - but that first kiss had broken the spell…after a fashion. She no longer changed with each sunrise and sunset, true, but she had been trapped forever in the body of an ogre - "love's true form," according to the spell…not that he was complaining. 

Ogre or human, he loved her, and he was determined to make sure that she knew it. He opened his mouth to tell her as much (not that he hadn't a thousand times before) when a loud, braying voice from further up the path echoed across the swamp, shattering the silence and killing the mood instantly.

"Hey, Shrek - did ya forget something?"

The ogre's arms dropped to his side, his shoulders slumped. With a roll of his eyes, he slowly turned around. Across the yard, sitting wearily next to the bag, sat Shrek's best friend - and only friend for that matter - Donkey. As his name suggested, Donkey was just that - a donkey, a "dense, irritating miniature beast o' burden" as Shrek had once described him in exasperation. He _could _be irritating, and as he came barely to Shrek's ample waist, miniature wasn't exactly inaccurate, either. But what Donkey lacked in size, he made up for in enthusiasm - and volume.

"Oh, more of the mushy stuff, huh?" Donkey teased, returning Shrek's eye roll. "Well, you got your 'needs' and I got mine - and mine's dinner! Now how 'bout helpin' me with this, before I get a hernia or somethin'…"

With that, Donkey stood up, shaking a couple times to get rid of the grime that clung to his shaggy gray-brown fur, and took the bag in his teeth. He began to drag the heavy burden across the mud, still mumbling unintelligibly to himself as he made his way slowly toward Shrek's house. 

With a sigh, Shrek gave Fiona one last peck on the cheek and stomped across the yard, snatching up the bag in one massive hand. 

"Gimme that," the ogre growled, crouching so that he was eye-to-eye with his talkative companion. "If ye hadn't noticed, I was sort of in the middle o' something - hmm?" he hissed, nodding meaningfully in his wife's direction.

"Huh? What?" Donkey asked innocently, a familiar look of confusion spreading across his long face, oblivious to the ogre's not-so-subtle hint.

Shrek just sighed again and labored to his feet, shaking his head in disgust. "Never mind, Donkey," he grunted as he hoisted the unwieldy bulk once again onto his broad shoulders.

He turned again to Fiona, and made a sweeping gesture toward the weathered front door of their home.

"After you, 'Your Highness,'" Shrek teased with an exaggerated bow. Fiona answered the bow with a quick curtsy and a giggle, then headed for the door, tugging it open and holding it for Shrek as he marched inside with dinner.

"Are you coming in, Donkey?" Fiona asked, turning to her friend and gesturing toward the cozy confines of the hut, the warm glow of its fireplace flickering through the open doorway. Shrek might consider Donkey a pest at times, but she had always had a soft spot for the excitable animal, ever since he had helped Shrek rescue her all those months ago.

"Huh? Oh, yeah!" Donkey yelped with a start, snapping out of his one-sided conversation. He pranced across the wooden porch and inside, continuing to ramble on to no one in particular. 

"Y'know, I coulda gotten that. I can handle myself just fine, _thank you very much_. That's right, I been workin' out - pumpin' iron, runnin' wind sprints. Gotta keep my stamina up, gotta look good for Dragon. She says I'm a stud! Y'hear that, I'm a stud! 'Donkey the Stud' - uh huh, that's me…"

From inside, Fiona could hear Shrek grumbling to himself as he started to get dinner ready. She took one last long look around the yard as the amber rays of another Duloc sunset fell across the towering cypress trees and still pools of Shrek's swamp.

_Our _swamp she corrected herself with a small smile as she shut the door. A castle on a hill? No. But happily ever after nonetheless.

****

¾ ¾ ¾ v ¾ ¾ ¾


	2. 

**__**

Chapter 2

"Help Wanted"

__

Dinnertime at the Shrek household was, to say the least, an adventure. The ogre had never intended the mud hut to house anything more than himself and his meager belongings, and nowhere was that reflected more than the dining room. 

Actually, the name "dining room" was somewhat misleading - it was more of a combination dining room/kitchen/den. The table, pounded together by hand from old boards and fallen logs, sat in the center of the room on a ragged alligator-skin rug. Behind it, a roaring fire crackled in the fireplace, a cauldron full of Shrek's latest concoction bubbling merrily below a fishing line sagging under the weight of salted swamp toads, smoked weedrats and the occasional dead fish - "leftovers," the ogre like to joke.

The room had been plenty big when it was just Shrek in the hut, the various bowls, platters and mugs that held his dinner sprawling across the table's rough surface, an ear-wax candle burning at his elbow. But with a hyperactive donkey ever underfoot and a doting wife at his side, things were a little more - hectic. Add an amorous dragon easily as large as the house itself - as would be the case this night - and things could get downright chaotic.

At the moment, Shrek was doing his best to make his way to the table with an armful of dishes, a huge bowl of slug stew, a mug of swamp brew (for him) and another of water (for Fiona), as Donkey darted back and forth just below eye level, doing his best to be helpful.

"Hey, you, uh, you need some help with somethin'?" Donkey asked hopefully, backpedaling to stay in front of Shrek as the ogre tried desperately to keep his balance. "'Cause I could get somethin' if ya need me to. I'm not useless, y'know. Just 'cause I ain't got hands don't mean I'm useless - that's why I've got teeth, right?"

Donkey flashed Shrek his best smile, showing off his pearly whites, but that only drew a grimace and a groan of disgust from his green friend.

"Yeah, THAT's what I need - donkey slobber in my soup!" Shrek huffed as he tried unsuccessfully to sidestep his overeager companion. "Now, why don't you…could y'just…no, not that way…I'm gonna- LOOK OUT!"

It was too much, even for someone as sure-footed as Shrek. Two huge feet and four clumsy hooves tangled, and suddenly ogre, donkey and dinner found themselves sprawled across the dirt floor. Donkey lay flat on his back under the table in a sea of broken dishes. Shrek's predicament was, if possible, even more humiliating. He sat on the floor in a puddle of swamp brew and water, the now-empty bowl that had been full a moment earlier now resting, upside-down, on his bald head, tiny rivulets of slug stew running down his face and across the front of his already stained shirt and vest.

He reached up to remove the offending tableware, but someone beat him to it, lifting the bowl from his head. He wiped his face, doing his best to get the stew out of his eyes, and found himself looking into the shining, pale blue eyes of Fiona.

"Need some help, honey?" she asked with a wry smile, trying her best not to laugh at her husband's undignified situation. 

She helped Shrek to his feet, both trying not to slip in what was left of dinner.

"Thanks," he mumbled as he regained his footing. He glowered at the cowering Donkey, trying his best to look intimidating. 

It might have worked, too, if not for the drops of stew still dripping from his now red-green face. Donkey couldn't take it any more. He began to laugh hysterically, falling to the floor again. That ended any hope Fiona had of keeping a straight face. She, too, started to giggle, bracing herself against the table, the empty bowl still in her hand.

Shrek glared at the both of them, trying to hold on to what was left of his dignity. It was no use. With a snort, he wiped his face on one grimy sleeve and went to work cleaning up as Fiona and Donkey struggled to catch their breath. 

So much for dinner he thought gloomily to himself as he picked through the mess. And then, despite himself, he smiled. 

Oh, well - at least I've got good company…

****

¾ ¾ ¾ v ¾ ¾ ¾ 

Across the countryside, the other households of Duloc settled into similar domestic routines. The tiny kingdom was by nature a quiet, uneventful one, even more so since its tiny dictator, the late, unlamented Lord Farquaad, had been dethroned (and digested). 

To be honest, the citizens of Duloc had never cared much for Farquaad or his neurotic need to control single every facet of his life, and theirs. After his death, they had quickly abandoned many of his countless, pointless rules for a more…common-sense approach. Nevertheless, things had remained largely unchanged since Farquaad's demise. After all, why mess with what works, right?

Nowhere in the land was this attitude more obvious than within the confines of Duloc proper, the color-coordinated, climate-controlled capital of the kingdom. Behind its high stone walls and turnstiled gates, row after row of identical houses and shops stretched as far as the eye could see, connected by a dizzying but painstakingly planned system of perfectly aligned streets. Aside from a few stubborn weeds poking up from between the cobblestones and the occasional repainted house (Farquaad had made sure every building in Duloc was painted in blue and white - HIS favorite colors), everything was just as it had been during the diminutive despot's ill-fated reign.

Just a few hundred yards away, just beyond the vegetable patches and fields of sunflowers that surrounded the city of Duloc, stood a long-abandoned mill, the tattered framework of a windmill fluttering weakly in the night breeze. It was here that the first sparks of romance between Shrek and Fiona had been ignited, and it was here, that same evening, that Donkey had first discovered Fiona's secret - her curse.

But tonight, a very different pair was camped on the lonely hillside. Two hulking figures huddled in the shadow of the crumbling tower, their sputtering campfire too weak even to illuminate their faces. 

The two mysterious travelers eyed the sleepy town intently, the pale, milky light of a full moon spilling over the peaked roofs of its houses and the forbidding stone heights of the towering castle that jutted up from the town square. Farquaad may have been small, but his ego was anything but.

"Are you absolutely sure about this, sire?" the larger of the two figures whispered, his voice a low rumble. "It has potential, I'll give you that, but doesn't it seem a little…_clean_…to you?"

"Of course it's clean," the other hissed, his annoyance at the question obvious is his voice. "It's clean and neat and orderly - just the way it's supposed to be."

"But still, sire, surely there must be other kingdoms to conquer. Especially with HIM so close…"

"Look at them," the second voice whispered, cutting his companion's comment short and gesturing at the few Dulocians still bustling about within the city walls. "That fool Farquaad has been dead for what, almost a year now? And still they follow the inane routine he set down! They don't know any better. And do you know why? Because they're followers! What they need now is a leader…and we can provide one…"

****

¾ ¾ ¾ v ¾ ¾ ¾ 

A couple hours and another batch of slug stew later, Shrek and Fiona finally sat down for dinner, Donkey propped up beside them so that he was roughly on eye level with his friends. 

More importantly, he was on eye level with Dragon. Far too big to fit within Shrek's humble home, she managed to slip her massive head through the recently expanded front window (the first of several 'home improvement projects' Shrek had planned for the house) installed for just such occasions.

Donkey was explaining he and Dragon's plans for the weekend to Shrek and Fiona, the ogre couple sneaking a bemused glance at one another as their friend rambled on.

'So, anyway, Dragon here thinks maybe we should go back t'her place for a while - spend a little 'quality time' together, if y'know what I mean." He grinned up at Dragon. "Ain't that right, babe?"

Dragon cooed and batted her foot-long eyelashes in response, puffing a tiny (by her standards, anyway) heart-shaped smoke ring that hung above the heads of her friends until it disintegrated into a cloud of haze as it collided with the hut's low ceiling.

"That, uh, that sounds _great_, Donkey," Fiona managed with a weak smile. Dragon's "place," as Donkey put it, was a long-deserted stone castle at the edge of Duloc. Floating in a lake of molten lava and surrounded on all sides by miles of barren wasteland, the castle wasn't exactly the most inviting vacation spot in the world. Throw in the fact that a cursed Fiona had spent almost her entire life shut up in the highest room of the tallest tower of that castle, locked away from the rest of the world to await her true love, and it was no surprise that she could think of few places LESS conducive to romance.

Then again… she corrected herself if not for that castle, we wouldn't all be here like this...

That _was _true. For all his babbling, Donkey COULD be charming, and his self-saving flattery had won Dragon's heart even as Shrek had dragged Fiona from that lonely tower. And despite the trio's hasty departure from the castle, a departure that left Fiona's fire-breathing "guardian" chained to the front stoop, Dragon and Donkey had managed to find each other again. To be honest, Fiona wasn't sure WHAT was said between the two unlikely lovebirds that day in the forest after they had all gone their separate ways, but Donkey had returned with a smitten Dragon in tow. Together, they had helped Shrek to rescue Fiona again, this time from a marriage of convenience to Farquaad, and since then the two were inseparable. So maybe the castle, gloomy as it might be, WAS romantic. Two couples - ogre and princess, donkey and dragon - couldn't be wrong, right?

Fiona's daydreaming was brought to a sudden conclusion by an elbow in her ribs.

"You all right?" Shrek whispered, a look of vague concern on his face as Fiona shook her head to clear the cobwebs. He didn't claim to understand his wife, just love her, and it always made him a little uneasy when she turned quiet like that. A little overprotective, maybe, but he wasn't taking any chances.

"I'm fine - just thinking is all," Fiona answered, patting his cheek reassuringly. She quickly changed the subject. "So, how was your trip?"

"Oh, you know, the usual. Saw the sights, caught up on some sleep, did a little fishing - _with a pole_," he added quickly at Fiona's sudden scowl. His usual method, though effective, left a little to be desired in the manners department, and he knew Fiona wasn't exactly appreciative of his…unique…approach to the sport. "Then I went an' got some paint for the new signs, took care o' a couple other things, and then me an' Donkey went an' picked up dinner - "

Donkey's ears perked up at the mention of his name.

"Yeah, me an' Shrek hunted all afternoon! Man, we musta turned over every rock in this swamp lookin' for those slugs. Ugly little suckers, too - they got those big googly eyes an' they're all slimy an' everything. And then those fairy guys showed up, an'- "

Shrek shot Donkey a dirty look across the table, and the startled animal stopped mid-sentence in rare silence. But it was too late. The cat (or fairy) was out of the bag.

"Fairies?" Fiona asked, looking quizzically at her husband. "Shrek, what's he talking about?"

"Oh…uhm…uh…nothing," Shrek stammered unconvincingly. "Y'know how Donkey is - he's just babbling…"

This time, it was Donkey's turn to give the dirty look. "Babblin'? What's THAT supposed t'mean!?!," he huffed, clearly hurt.

"Nothin', Donkey," Shrek mumbled in response, his head buried in his huge hands.

"Go on, Donkey," Fiona urged the indignant animal, stealing a quick, perplexed look at her husband.

"Well…OK," Donkey hesitantly agreed, still looking at Shrek. "Like I was sayin', Shrek an' me were down close to that big puddle of quicksand by those bushes with the berries on 'em - y'know, the little red ones? Man, I bet they'd be good in , like, a pie or a cobbler or somethin'. I don't bake m'self, but I thought maybe you- "

"_Donkey_," Fiona groaned, trying to keep her friend on track. "_The fairies_?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, the fairies!" Donkey started up again, remembering where he was going with the story. "Anyway, me an' Shrek was lookin' for slugs, an' these little fairy guys show up, and they're all talkin' about how these hunter guys are tryin' to catch all the fairies or whatever and sell 'em, on account of they're magic or somethin'. And they thought maybe Shrek could help, 'cause he saved everybody before when Farquaad dumped 'em all - well, y'know, here!"

"And did you?" Fiona asked, turning to Shrek, her eyes narrowing in suspicion.

"Well, no…"

"Why not!?!"

"I…it's…it's…" the ogre stuttered, his eyes planted firmly on the tabletop in front of him. Finally, he looked up, his face a mixture of indignation and desperation. "Look. First of all, they weren't fairies - they were little…little…I don't know what, but they weren't fairies!"

"And that makes it OK?" Fiona asked again, obviously unconvinced by Shrek's excuses.

"It's none of my business, all right!?!" Shrek spit out, growing angry. "I'm sorry that they're in trouble an' all, but it's not my problem! Why does everyone think I'm some big hero all of a sudden?"

"'Cause you are!" Donkey offered helpfully. "I mean, y'helped all them fairy-tale folks last time…"

"That wasn't bein' heroic - I just wanted my swamp back!" Shrek argued, wondering how he had so quickly become the bad guy in all of this. "If all those…_freaks_…got to go home because of it, great, but that doesn't mean I've gotta go chargin' off every time one of 'em has a problem, now does it?"

"No, but- "

"But nothing! I'm not a hero - end of story!"

****

¾ ¾ ¾ v ¾ ¾ ¾ 

On the edge of Shrek's swamp, just where the clover and flowers and majestic pines of Duloc's forests began to fade to toadstools and cattails and moss-heavy cypress stands, a tiny figure crept through the shadowy underbrush, jumping at every frog's croak, every alligator's grunt, every flitter of bats' wings. 

He had no business being here, he told himself as he made his through the unfamiliar wilderness. The kinds of things that lived in HERE at things like HIM for lunch - or a late dinner.

Then again, he thought to himself , it _would _take a hero to live in a place like this - and a hero was what he intended to find.

If he lived that long…


	3. 

**__**

Chapter 3

"All in a Knight's Work"

__

Cleaning up after dinner was always a chore, more so this evening than most because of the foul humor Shrek was in. He was still a little put off about Donkey opening his big mouth, and he was in no mood to answer any questions. 

But that didn't stop Fiona from posing them.

"Would you please just tell me what's wrong?" Fiona asked Shrek for what was, by his count anway, about the billionth time since dinner.

"Nothing's wrong - I just don't understand why's everybody's so hot an' bothered just because I _happened _to help some people out ONE TIME, all right?" the ogre grumbled in response as he carried an armful of dishes to the wooden wash basin he had dragged in from outside. "I just…I don't get why we're making such a big deal about this 'hero' rubbish, is all I'm sayin'."

"And all _I'm_ saying is that I don't understood why you seem so dead-set against the idea! If you'd just tell me what was bothering you- "

"Nothing is botherin' me!" he shouted angrily as he plopped the dishes into the basin's soapy water with a splash. "Why can't you just leave this alo- "

A knock at the door, just audible over the combined racket of the ogre's protests and the clatter of the dishes as they settled in the wash basin, stopped Shrek in mid-rant.

"NOW WHAT!?!" he bellowed, throwing his arms into the air. He stomped to the door and threw it open, glaring out into the night at - nothing.

"Who…what's goin' on?" he muttered to himself in confusion and irritation. If this was Donkey's idea of a prank, Shrek wasn't laughing.

Just then, he felt at tug at the patchwork fabric of his faded plaid pants. He glanced down, and found himself face-to-wee-face with one of the "fairies" he and Donkey had run into earlier. At least, he thought it was one of the…things…he had met earlier. To be honest, he wasn't sure. They all looked the same to him - small and scared and annoying.

"Oh, it's _you_," Shrek growled. "What do y'want now?" 

The diminutive visitor removed his pointed red hat to reveal a shock of bright blue hair above his childlike, almost sickeningly cute face. His shaking hands fidgeted with the hat as he stared up, wide-eyed with awe and fear, at the clearly unhappy ogre.

"Well?" Shrek prodded, already tiring of this unexpected visitor.

"Oh, g-great and p-powerful ogre! I..uh…I have b-been sent b-b-by the King of the Pixies to ask f-for your help in r-r-ridding our forest h-home of the evil po-po-poach- hunters that threaten our p-people," the pixie squeaked, his tiny knees knocking together, his teeth chattering despite the warm swamp air outside. "Uh, if you please!" he concluded with a awkward, hurried bow that did little to make Shrek feel anymore inclined to get involved.

"Sorry - not interested!" Shrek snapped, reaching for the door again. By this time, the commotion at the door had drawn the attention of Donkey and Dragon, who had conveniently ducked outside when it became obvious that Shrek was in no mood for company. It had also caught the attention of Fiona, who quietly slipped up behind her husband.

"He would be HAPPY to help," she answered for Shrek in a pleasant but firm voice, and everyone involved looked up suddenly at this previously unnoticed addition to the conversation. "_Wouldn't _you, Shrek?"

Shrek turned to his wife to disagree, but he could tell by the way her eyes flashed beneath her auburn bangs, the way she crossed her arms as she leaned forward to hear his answer, and especially by the tone of her usually melodic voice that there was no point in arguing.

"Sure…whatever," he sighed resignedly, gesturing half-heartedly for the pixie to lead the way.

"Thank you, Shrek," Fiona purred, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek as he headed out the door. "And Shrek, honey?"

"Yes…dear?" he asked, turning back toward the house, his face illuminated by the fire within.

"Take Donkey with you."

Donkey jumped to his four feet, a grin on his face. He liked adventures, as long as they weren't dangerous…or scary…or dirty…

"But…but - Dragon's here!" Shrek argued weakly, trying desperately to find an excuse to leave Donkey behind but already knowing he didn't stand a chance. "I mean, shouldn't Donkey stay here with her?"

"I'm sure Dragon can manage by herself for a few hours," Fiona responded in a loving if slightly patronizing tone. "Isn't that right, Dragon?"

The immense creature nodded and uttered a low roar, which Fiona took as an affirmative.

"Fine," Shrek huffed. "Come on, Donkey…"

"All right! Shrek and Donkey to the rescue!" Donkey shouted as he scrambled to catch up with Shrek and his now-eager guide. Fiona and Dragon could hear him jabbering away as the trio faded into the gloomy swamp night. "Man-o-man, this is gonna be just like old times - y'know, but without the lava, or those singin' robbers, or that Farquaad guy, or…"

--------------

In the deepest, darkest recesses of the forest, three small figures cowered in a rickety wooden cage, a heavy iron lock clamped around its barred door. Making things worse, the cage was being held a good six feet off the ground by its owner, a grimy-looking peasant dressed in a threadbare green jerkin and ragged, patched leggings. He leered at his terrified quarry, showing off a mouth full of yellow, rotten teeth.

"Took a while, ya little buggers, but we gotcha, didn't we?" he cackled. "Oughtta be worth a couple gold pieces apiece, an' even if ye're not…well, there's always dinner."

The tiny prisoners' eyes grew wider, their mouths hanging open in mute horror.

"Ever heard the sounds a big, boilin' pot of hot pixie stew makes when it's cookin'?" he continued with vicious glee. "It's sort of a 'Snap, crackle…crackle…hey, what would you call that last sound?"

The hunter's companion, a thin, nervous-looking little man, tore his eyes away from his apprehensive lookout long enough to glance at his friend. He didn't like the forest, especially at night. It was full of wild animals and magic things and who knew what else.

"Huh? Oh, uh, I don't know…'Pop' maybe?" he offered, glancing nervously over his shoulder as a wolf (at least, he _thought _it was a wolf) howled in the distance.

"Naw, it's not a 'pop!'" the first man grunted. "It's more of a…a…KERSPLAT!"

He shook a cage as he shouted his new sound effect, laughing as his panicked prey shrieked in terror.

"Yeah, 'kersplat' - that's…that's great," his jumpy friend stammered pitifully. "Now can we go?"

"Oh, don't be such a chicken!" the hunter answered with more than a trace of contempt in his voice. "Just a couple more of these things an' we're set for the rest of the season. Now hold this thing while I look arou- AHA!"

He tossed the cage to his startled partner in crime and began to creep toward one of the bushes at the edge of the clearing. Just visible above the topmost leaves of the shrub was the tip of a red hat, shaking slightly in the night breeze. The poacher crept slowly toward to the bush, whispering to himself as he eased closer.

"Easy, easy now…just a little closer…aaaaaand GOTCHA!" he shouted, lunging for the hat.

He looked down, expecting to see the quivering form of another unlucky pixie. What he got, though, was an up-close and personal look at Donkey, an awkward smile on the animal's fuzzy face, the hat still balanced on one long, grey ear.

"Hi!" Donkey piped up brightly as he bounced to his feet, hopping over the bush and taking a few steps toward the startled hunter, who took a few unsteady paces backward before falling to the ground in shock.

"What? Cat got your tongue?" Donkey asked in mock (well, mostly mock) confusion as he took a couple more steps in the hunter's direction. "Don't tell me ya don't wanna talk. I mean, ya can't just go around grabbin' a guy's ears like that an' then not wanna talk…that'd be rude!"

"G…g…get away from me!" the peasant managed to get out as he crawled backward along the wet, slippery forest floor on his hands and feet, never taking his eyes off the "monster" in front of him. He finally reached his trembling companion, who stood frozen in fright at the edge of the clearing, the cage in one hand, a old, battered oil lamp in the other. Struggling to his feet, the hunter took two fistfuls of his friend's dingy shirt in his hands and shook the man violently.

"Let's get out of here!" he hissed. The pair eased toward the leafy darkness, step by step, their eyes glued on Donkey.

"Now where're ya goin'?" the animal asked as the poachers backed away. "What, you're just gonna leave, just like that? I tell ya, Shrek, these peasants today…"

Suddenly, just as they had begun to fade into the shadows beyond the clearing, the two hapless hunters felt something big and solid block their paths. They turned slowly around. The smaller man raised the sputtering lantern, his shaking hand causing its feeble light to bounce crazily as it lit up the lush branches of the trees around them - and the towering green giant that had until now waited, unnoticed, among them.

"Ye can't be leavin' already - we just got here!" Shrek spoke up cheerfully. "Now, why don't we just sit down an' talk this over like gentlemen, hmm?"

He leaned forward, smiling wickedly, his jagged, uneven teeth glinting in the lantern light. Scaring off unwanted "guests" of the peasant variety was an unavoidable consequence of being an ogre, and Shrek was _very _good at it after years of practice.

"Well?"

The two poachers just stared, dumbstruck. The smaller one let the cage slip from his numb fingers. Its lock popped open as it clattered to the ground, and in an instant the three diminutive prisoners were out the door and into the underbrush, their muffled cheers fading away as they disappeared into the night.

"Don't feel like talkin', eh? Oh, well - suit yerselves," Shrek said with a shrug as he picked a few stubborn leaves from his shirt and swept a stray twig from atop his ear. He looked over the heads of his silent audience at his waiting friend. "So…what do YOU think we should do with 'em, Donkey?"

"We COULD let 'em go…"

The two offenders' eyes turned to Shrek hopefully, but the ogre shook his head.

"Let 'em go? Now, where's the fun in that, I ask ye? No…hmmm…we could skin 'em - I've been thinkin' about gettin' a new vest."

"Naw, naw, that won't work - they're all dirty an' smelly an' stuff. Got fleas, too, I bet."

"Ye're probably right. So, no skinnin.' How about some fishin,' then? Probably make good bait, once the 'gators get used to the taste…"

The men's eyes darted in rising panic from Shrek to Donkey and back again as the two friends debated their fate.

"I've got it!" Shrek finally shouted in triumph.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah! We can cook 'em! A little hot water, a couple mushrooms, a pinch o' salt for seasonin' - instant peasant stew!"

"But, Shrek, we had peasant stew for dinner LAST night…"

"It doesn't have to be _stew_, I guess. We could make peasant sandwiches, or peasant-ka-bobs, or even a little peasant soufflé …how's peasant soufflé sound t'you?"

"Well…it HAS been a long time since we had peasant soufleé , an' it IS my favorite…"

"It's settled, then - peasant soufleé it is!"

Shrek reached out and took hold of the two men, his huge green hands clamping down on their shoulders. "Come on, lads," he said as he began to lead them back into the forest. "Might as well get goin- "

It was too much for the would-be hunters. They broke loose from the ogre's grip, trying to get as far away from him as possible while still keeping a safe distance from the talking donkey.

"You…you wouldn't REALLY eat a couple of law-abidin' citizens like us, would you?" the hunter asked in a desperate attempt to change the ogre's mind, cowering behind his smaller companion. "At least not both us fellows…"

"Hey!" the smaller man yelped as he caught on to what his "friend"s was suggesting.

"Oh, I think I can manage," Shrek responded in a whisper, making a move toward the pair. "After all, y'know what they say - there's always room for fellow!"

"B…but, but - we…we don't want to get eaten!" the hunter broke down, crying, as he and his friend huddled in the middle of the clearing.

"Oh? Well, why didn't ye say so?" Shrek answered in a tone of shocked surprise. "If ye don't WANT to be eaten, I guess ye could always - GET LOST!!!"

That was all the two men needed to hear. With a shriek, they scrambled to their feet and into the woods, leaving behind a cloud of dust and the sound of branches snapping and muffled curses as they tripped over each other and seemingly everything else in the forest in their mad rush to escape.

With a grunt and a shake of his lumpy head at the sorry sight, Shrek glanced down to his feet, expecting some sort of 'thank you' for his late-night rescue.

He was to be disappointed.

"Well, that's that then. Now how 'bout a - Hey, where are the little ankle-biters?"

Donkey looked around, just as confounded as Shrek by the pixies' sudden disappearance. It was no use - they were long gone.

"Humph! How d'you like that?" Donkey said with a huff, mirroring Shrek's scowl as best he could. "Some thanks we get - come out here in the dark and the - the dark…"

Shrek took one last look around, finding nothing, then headed off once again into the woods in the direction of his swamp, his house and his wife.

"C'mon, Donkey - Let's go home…"

--------------

"…and then Shrek was like, 'We could eat 'em,' and they was all 'No, don't eat us!" and he then goes, he goes 'Then GET LOST!' Man, it was great!"

Once again in the comfort of their humble home, Shrek and Donkey (mostly Donkey) were regaling Fiona and Dragon with the story of their adventure.

"It all sounds very exciting, Donkey," Fiona finally said, reaching out to take Shrek's hand as he listened to Donkey relive the night's events for about the 20th time since they'd left the clearing, "and VERY heroic…"

"I guess," Shrek mumbled with a shrug. He wasn't entirely convinced, but he was too tired to argue. Besides, it obviously made Fiona happy to think of him as a hero, and if it made her happy - well, then it made him happy. A small smile twitched across his lips, and he squeezed Fiona's hand gently.

That's me he thought to himself as she scooted closer, laying her head on his shoulder as Donkey continued with his story. Shrek the hero…

--------------


	4. 

**__**

Chapter 4

"More Unwanted Guests"

__

The dinner party lasted late into the night, until finally Dragon excused herself and headed home to begin "straightening up" for Donkey's visit, eager to avoid what promised to be a nasty thunderstorm looming on the horizon. Not long after, Donkey settled into his usual spot on the floor in front of the fireplace, buried in a old patchwork quilt Shrek had dug up somewhere. A few minutes later, Fiona kissed her husband goodnight and shuffled off to bed, leaving him alone to ponder the day's excitement. 

Shrek had just crawled into bed himself when a rap at the door echoed through the house. Muttering a few ogre curses under his breath, he slipped out from beneath the covers piled on the bed so as not to disturb Fiona and stumbled to the door, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he continued to grumble to himself, tugging at the sagging waistline of his oldest, most worn-out (and favorite) pajama bottoms.

"Can't an ogre get any sleep 'round here? That's all I'm askin' - a little peace…a little quiet…a little PRIVACY once in a while…

"An' if it's that pixie again, I swear, I'm goin' ta- "

As he reached the door, another knock shook the hut, much too loud and much too powerful, Shrek noted, than the pixie could possibly be capable of. He grabbed the rope handle that served as a doorknob and pulled the portal open. Still half-asleep, he squinted as he gazed out into the darkness - and found himself staring at dozens of tiny reflections of his own startled face, peering up at him from the shiny metal studs that dotted the cracked, well-worn suit of armor that filled the doorframe.

Shrek's eyes followed the rows of studs upward, until he was staring into the bloodshot eyes of a colossal (even by Shrek's standards) ogre, a disinterested, almost bored expression on its shadowed, emerald face.

"Evening, Shrek," the visitor said quietly, almost inaudibly above the now-howling wind and the rumble of thunder, the menace thick in his voice despite its even tone. "I'd heard there was an ogre out this way…" 

"You…wha…" Shrek managed to get out, stunned by the sight of this unexpected "guest" standing on his front porch.

"And not just any ogre, mind you. No, no, no…the very 'jolly green giant' who freed Duloc from that little tyrant Farquaad all those months ago," the brute continued, ignoring Shrek's hushed comments and the heavy drops of rain that splattered against his armor. "Oh yes, quite the name you've made for yourself here in Duloc - _hero_."

"Look, I don't know what ye're doin' here, an' frankly, I don't care," Shrek began to argue, regaining his composure, his voice growing louder as he planted one thick finger in the creature's chest. "But if ye know what's good for you, ye'll do it somewhere else!"

The menacing visitor listened patiently to Shrek's rants until the ogre was out of breath, then calmly reached up to take hold of the prodding finger, enveloping the digit in one gnarled hand. 

"Do not presume to tell me what I may or may not do," he growled. "You forfeited THAT privilege a long time ag- " 

"Hey, Shrek! Who ya talkin' to?"

Despite his best efforts to keep things quiet, Shrek's protests had awakened Donkey, who rose slowly from his place by the fire.

"Go back to sleep, Donkey," Shrek hissed through gritted teeth as his "guest" ducked his head to get a better look at the ogre's friend. He leered over Shrek's shoulder, his beady eyes twinkling beneath the horned helmet resting unevenly on his downturned ears, and suddenly Donkey didn't really WANT to know who was at the door. He dove back under the blanket, his quivering tail just visible beyond its frayed edge.

"Donkey? What donkey? I don't see any donkeys," he muttered from beneath the quilt. "Anyway, I'm asleep - been asleep all night, too! So he couldn't have been talkin' t'me…."

"A talking donkey? Will wonders never cease?" the "guest" commented as he turned his attention back to Shrek. "So, what other surprises can I expe- "

"Shrek, honey? Who's there?" 

A sleepy voice interrupted the ogres' discussion, and both turned their heads to find a still-groggy Fiona at Shrek's side.

If the creature had smiled at Donkey's presence, he positively beamed at the sight of Fiona, the firelight glinting off his jagged teeth.

"And _this _must be the princess. Milady," he said with a bow to the startled ogress. "I must admit, Shrek, I'm impressed. I never thought of you as much the ladies' man, but you've done surprisingly well for yourself. And they say she was human, too…amazing."

"Who ARE you?" Fiona demanded, confused and annoyed and a touch cranky from lack of sleep.

"I- "

"Was just leaving," Shrek finished for him, glaring at the visitor. "Isn't that right, Grunder?"

Grunder opened his mouth to disagree, but decided against it.

"That I was. A…_pleasure_…as always, Shrek. Milady," he excused himself, bowing again. Straightening, he slid his helmet back into position and headed off once again into the night, leaving behind a very shaken ogre and his equally bewildered wife.

---------------

"Who _was _that, Shrek?"

The ogre wanted nothing more than to get back into bed and forget all about his late-night visitor, but Fiona was not going to let the subject drop so easily. The couple had entertained a lot of unusual guests in the past months - the earlier visit by the pixie was a perfect example - but never another ogre. To be honest, Fiona had no idea that there even _were _other ogres in Duloc.

"Nobody," Shrek grumbled in response as he crawled back into bed.

"A very BIG nobody," Fiona shot back as she lay down next to him. She knew Shrek avoided discussing his past if at all possible. But she also knew that lack of communication had nearly ruined their relationship once before, and she wasn't about to risk it again. "So…are you going to tell me what that was all about, or are we back to secrets again?"

"There's nothing t'tell - Grunder's just an…an old friend," Shrek answered tiredly. 

"Oh, yeah - he seemed _very _friendly…"

"I'll tell you all about it in the mornin.' OK?"

"You promise?"

"Promise."

"Really?"

"Really, really."

---------------

Shrek sat awake, staring at the cracked mud ceiling of his bedroom, until he heard the unmistakable sound of Fiona's snore. With one last look at his peacefully slumbering wife, he slipped out of bed for the second time that evening, leaning over to give Fiona a quick kiss goodbye. 

He tiptoed across the floor and parted the snakeskin curtain that separated their bedroom from the rest of the house, making sure Donkey was still asleep. Satisfied that he was the only one awake, Shrek crept past the prone form of his friend to the bookcase on the far side of the room. Doing his best to keep quiet, he lifted the dented knight's helm he had worn the day he had rescued Fiona from its usual spot, brushing away the dust and cobwebs. Tucking his ears back, he slipped it over his head, then reached up to take a rusty sword (another memento of the rescue) from its place on the wall.

Better safe than sorry he thought to himself as he made his way to the door. The rope hinges creaked as he eased it open, and for a second Shrek thought he had gotten this far only to awaken Donkey. But the animal just mumbled to himself and rolled over, oblivious. 

With a sigh of what he told himself was relief and one last longing glance at his humble home, Shrek was gone.

---------------


	5. 

**__**

Chapter 5

"Into the Swamp"

__

By day, crossing the swamp was slow going, its many hidden dangers and hungry inhabitants giving pause to even the most fearless of would-be trailblazers. By night, it was all but impenetrable, so much so that most travelers brave (or foolish) enough to enter were never heard from again.

But then again, most travelers weren't Shrek.

The ogre sloshed determinedly through the mud and muck, hacking away with the sword at whatever vines or weeds or spiderwebs refused to give way to his considerable muscle.

He wasn't comfortable by any means - the scratching thorns, the swarms of buzzing, biting bugs and especially the sticky, suffocating humidity that even a thunderstorm couldn't relieve took care of that - but he was nevertheless in his element. He had spent years in the swamp, exploring the territory around his house, and he knew the land better than probably anyone in Duloc.

If I'm still in Duloc… Shrek thought dejectedly to himself as he surveyed his surroundings uncertainly.

Truth be told, Shrek wasn't entirely sure _where _he was anymore. He had rarely had reason to wander more than a few miles from home, even before he had someone to come home to. In fact, he had only ventured this deep into the wilderness once before, years earlier, also in the dead of night. But that had been heading _toward _Duloc, and this…this was not.

He wasn't much more sure a few hours later when he plopped down to rest on a fallen log alongside what passed for a trail. As he caught his breath, his stomach rumbled, reminding him that in his hurry to leave he hadn't packed much in the way of provisions. He thought of his late dinner the night before, at home.

Home…

Shrek had built the house himself, adding some new feature now and then, making repairs when needed. He was proud of that house, and it had served him well over the years. It had everything an ogre could want - a state-of-the-art (by Duloc standards, anyway) outhouse, a mud shower perfect for "cleaning up," easy access to everything edible from weed rats to mud squids. 

And yet, it had never really felt like home, not until Fiona (and Donkey, too, he conceded) had agreed to call it home as well. It was funny how another voice around the house, the weight of a warm body on the other side of the bed, could change a place.

He thought again of Fiona, and their fight the night before. He felt badly about lying to her, about breaking his promise, about leaving her behind. 

She wouldn't understand he reasoned with himself. Besides, this doesn't concern her - she's better off at home.

Still, as he watched the first scattered rays of a new dawn filter through the canopy of leaves above him, he couldn't help but wonder what Fiona was doing just then…

---------------

Countless miles and a lifetime away, those same sunbeams found their way past the crooked cross timbers that formed the frame of Shrek's bedroom window, falling across the face of the still-sleeping Fiona. 

At the first hint of light, the ogress' blue eyes fluttered open, and she was immediately wide awake. It was an unconscious reaction, an old habit she doubted she would ever really shake. When one's life was as defined by the comings and goings of the sun as Fiona's had been for so long, after all, one soon learned to come and go with it.

Not that I have to worry about _that _anymore Fiona thought to herself with a smile. Not since Shrek…

She reached across the bed, her hand searching for the familiar angle of Shrek's shoulder. Instead, it found only air, her fingers tracing the outline of a now-cool impression in the moss-stuffed mattress where her husband should have been.

"Shrek?"

She turned away from the window, but her eyes had no better luck than her hands in finding her absent spouse. She stared at the otherwise empty bed in puzzlement. Shrek wasn't exactly an early riser, and for him to wake up before Fiona was all but unheard of.

"Shrek?!?"

Fiona jumped out of bed, untangling herself from the jumbled blankets as her mind raced back to the previous night's unsettling events and Shrek's reluctance - refusal, actually - to talk about them. As she moved into the main room, she tried to quiet the gnawing unease growing in the pit of her stomach, to tell herself that Shrek was probably off taking care of some early-morning chore or some similarly mundane explanation for his absence. 

Then she noticed the bare wall where the sword had hung, and the gap in the bookcase where the helmet had sat, untouched, for months.

"Shrek!"

Fiona couldn't decide if she was more angry or worried. Shrek had lied to her, had promised to let her in on _whatever _was going on and then turned around and snuck off as soon as her back was turned. And wherever he had gone, he was in serious danger, or he would never have taken the helmet, much less the sword.

Worse still, she had no idea where he was, or where he was headed, or even when he had left. But she intended to find out.

"Donkey, wake up!" she barked at the slumbering animal stretched out in front of the dark fireplace.

"Huh? What? What?" Donkey sputtered as he bolted upright, his eyes darting from side to side in groggy alarm. "What's wrong?"

"Shrek's gone!"

"What d'ya mean, gone? Where'd he go?"

"I don't know!" Fiona yelled, more in frustration than real anger. She slumped into one of the chairs at the table, her head in her hands, fighting back tears. "That…that…THING showed up last night, but Shrek said not to worry about it and he'd tell me everything in the morning, and now the sword's missing and he's…he…"

She couldn't take it anymore. She started to sob, her shoulders shaking beneath unruly waves of her unkempt, unbraided hair. 

Donkey wasn't sure what to say, or what to do. He'd only seen Fiona cry once before - the night he first discovered her secret - and he was as flustered now as he was then. But he had to say _something_.

"Hey…uh, look, princess - everything's gonna OK. I mean, how far could a big lug like Shrek get in one night, right?"

He offered Fiona what he hoped was a reassuring smile, and while she didn't return the gesture, she did manage to look up, wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her nightgown. 

"I guess…"

"That's more like it! See, I told you everything'd be all right. Now, how 'bout we grab some breakfast, and then we'll start looking for Shrek? How's that sound?"

"How about we skip breakfast, OK? If whatever he's mixed up in is serious enough that he took that sword, then he's going to need some help - whether he wants it or not." 

Donkey looked less than enthusiastic about the prospect of a cross-country hike on an empty stomach, but he nodded his assent anyway.

"Yeah, OK - no breakfast, I guess. So, how we gonna rescue Shrek, anyway?"

Fiona finished drying her eyes, her expression turning suddenly serious. She stood up, smoothed out the rumpled material of her gown and looked around the room for anything she and Donkey might need. She had a feeling this little quest was going to be a lot more than just a walk in the swamp.

"First, we have to find him…"

---------------

Following what he hoped what still the trail, Shrek finally stumbled out of the underbrush and onto the bank of a wide but almost stagnant river, its dark, murky water creeping slowly between clumps of lily pads and floating weeds. 

"Oh, this is just wonderful!" Shrek moaned out loud to no one in particular. "How am I supposed to get across - swim? I don't think so."

Mud was one thing. He liked mud. He liked the way it squished between his broad, thick toes, that satisfyingly disgusting sound it made beneath his heavy boots. But water…water was another matter altogether.

Shrek started to look around, scanning the bank for some sign of a bridge or a boat or anything that would let him avoid a dip in the less-than-inviting river. 

His eyes fell upon a couple of wooden posts a few yards down the shore. He jogged toward the structure, hoping to find some sort of passage across, but he quickly realized that the two half-sunken beams and the tattered ropes tied to them were all that was left of what he could only guess had been a bridge. Squinting, he peered across the water and spotted a similar pair of posts on the opposite bank, showing the same signs of long disuse.

"Well, there WAS a bridge here, anyway - for what it'll do me. Wonder what happened?"

Shrek reached down and picked up one of a number of weather-beaten wooden planks that had apparently washed up along the river's bank. From the grain and a few stray strands of fiber, he guessed that it had been part of the bridge at some part. What puzzled him, though, were the curious, jagged holes gouged into the board, and the unnerving, rust-colored stains that spotted it.

"That's funny…looks like some kind o' bite mark…"

Deep in thought as he pondered this mystery, the ogre failed to notice as the swamp grew silent, the chirps and croaks and buzzes that had filled air quickly fading away. Nor did he notice the ripples that had begun to form along the river's surface, a few bubbles forcing their way past the latticework of weeds. He couldn't help but notice, though, the geyser of foam that exploded from the depths of the still waters, soaking both banks and knocking a flabbergasted Shrek to the ground.

Looking up in confusion, Shrek could only watch in terror as an impossibly long, serpentine neck uncoiled itself from beneath the choppy water. Atop the neck, the narrow turquoise face of what Shrek could only guess was some sort of dragon glared down at him, its cold, reptilian amber eyes surveying the ogre hungrily, its forked tongue running along its dagger-like teeth in anticipation.

Not good… the ogre thought as he eyed the monster warily. Not good at all - lucky thing I brought the…the…

With a sinking feeling, Shrek realized he didn't HAVE the sword. Looking around frantically, he finally spotted it a good 20 yards away, near the tree line. Cursing himself for having laid it aside when he went to investigate the bridge, the ogre scrambled to his feet and made a mad dash for the weapon. Shrek was fast, but the dragon was faster, its monstrous head darting forward to cut Shrek off. The ogre began to back away, holding his empty hands in front of him in a futile attempt to calm the beast.

"Whoa, now, whoa - let's slow down, then, shall we?" Shrek began to sweet-talk the dragon (or whatever it was), trying his best to sound as non-threatening as possible. "Ye don't really want t'eat ME, do ya? I mean, look at me. I'm an ogre - I'd taste TERRIBLE. Let's just talk this out like a couple o' adults, hmmm? What do ye say?"

The creature responded with an ear-splitting roar, the rows of needle-like spines along its neck suddenly standing straight, the thin flaps of skin between them forming a leathery mane around its massive skull. Obviously, it didn't much appreciate this delay from dinner.

Shrek wasn't any happier. He needed a plan, and fast, or he was very quickly going to end up Dragon Chow. Out of options, he decided to try a little classic misdirection.

"Hey, look! A princess!" he shouted in the direction of the dragon, gesturing excitedly over the creature's shoulder. The dragon's neck doubled over itself, curling around to glance back at where Shrek had pointed. In a flash, Shrek was gone, ducking under the curve of the creature's neck and charging toward the sword. With one last lunge, he had the weapon firmly in one green hand.

"I can't believe ye actually fell for the ol' princess bit," remarked with a smirk and a shake of his head as he turned back toward the beast, feeling significantly more confident now that he had the sword. "You dragons an' yer damsels in distress…"

Realizing it had been duped, the dragon's head spun around, zeroing in on the offending ogre. It _had _been just hungry. Now it was hungry AND angry. It let loose with another fearsome roar, but this time, Shrek was prepared.

"Enough with the noise already! Y'know, that mighta worked last time, but last time I didn't have…THIS!"

He held up the sword, waving it wildly in the air, the meager sunlight flashing off its chipped, well-worn blade.

"What do ye think o' THAT!?!

The dragon's eyed the ogre and his new weapon, one scaly eyebrow cocked in amusement. The corners of the beast's mouth curled upward in a toothy grin. It opened its mouth wide. Without warning, its tongue shot forward, its forked tip wrapping around the sword and tearing it from Shrek's grasp before snapping back. The dragon's jaws clamped down with a crunch, and with a loud gulp it swallowed the mouthful of metal. The creature smacked its lips (or the dragon equivalent, anyway) and smiled smugly at the much _less _confident ogre.

Shrek knew he was next on the menu. He winced as the dragon opened wide again, a few stray slivers of sword caught in its gleaming teeth.

This is going t'hurt…

---------------


	6. 

**__**

Chapter 6

"Fiona to the Rescue"

__

Shrek braced himself for what was coming, curling up into a tight green ball as the dragon's jaws sprang open - 

- and then snapped shut again, the creature cutting its attack short as something (or _someone_) behind the cowering ogre caught its attention. His eyes shut tight, Shrek could only imagine what was taking place overhead as he heard the beast roar again, followed by a loud thump and then a whimper of pain and surprise. 

He managed to open one brown eye just in time to see the dragon, its snout red and swollen, retreat back into the river, disappearing below the water's surface until only a trail of bubbles remained.

Shrek lay like that for what seemed to him like hours, one eye glued to the river until he was sure the danger was past. Shrek was no coward, but he knew that he'd gotten VERY lucky, and he wasn't about to risk another go-round with the monster's just because he was in a hurry to get moving again.

He would have stayed there, too, but the sound of footsteps coming closer and a firm tap on his shoulder brought him scrambling to his feet. The ogre spun around, wishing very badly that the sword hadn't ended up in some beast's belly. In that split-second, dozens of potential perils raced through his mind, each more terrible than the last. But nowhere in that menacing menagerie had his mind ever thought to include - 

"Fiona?"

But there his wife stood, her dress torn and stained by the morning's journey, her usual meticulous braids replaced by a simple, hastily tied ponytail that hung past her waist. She looked tired…tired and angry.

Shrek took off the helmet, running his hand nervously across his bald head. It was obvious she wasn't happy about being left behind, but he wasn't going to let that keep him from making sure she stayed out of harm's way. 

"Fiona, what are ye doin' here? I- "

*THWACK!*

Without a word, Fiona slapped Shrek, her broad hand leaving a red welt across his otherwise green cheek.

"OWWW! Now, what was THAT for?"

"You KNOW what that was for, Shrek! First you lie to me, then you run off in the middle of the night - in the midst of a raging thunderstorm, no less - and then you end up nearly getting yourself killed by- "

"I did _not _almost get myself killed, all right?," Shrek grumbled, his pride wounded if through dumb luck not his body. She was right, of course, but that didn't mean he had to admit it. "I coulda handled that thing…"

"It certainly _looked _like you were 'handling' it. Another five seconds of your 'handling' it and I'd be a widow right now!" Fiona shot back, her patience running out. Her long and not particularly pleasant hike through the swamp had left her in no mood to put up with Shrek's usual obstinacy. "Now, are you going to tell me what's going on or not?"

"NOT!" Shrek bellowed, slamming the helmet back into place as he turned his back on his fuming wife and stomped off down the riverbank. Fiona started to chase after him, then stopped suddenly, remembering one little detail forgotten during all the excitement.

"It's OK - you can come out now. The dragon's gone," she shouted in the direction of the trees along the bank.

"Are ya…are ya sure?" Donkey's unmistakable voice echoed back from his hiding place.

"_Yes_, Donkey, I'm _sure_."

Donkey's grey head poked out from among the branches. He looked around uncertainly before taking a few cautious steps forward into the clearing.

"Oh - cool."

A few more baby steps without encountering the dragon and Donkey's mind was finally put at ease. Finding himself alone, he galloped down the bank after Fiona, who had already started off after Shrek. The danger past, the animal quickly reverted to his usual, enthusiastic self as he fell into step alongside the ogress.

"Man, I'm glad THAT'S over with!" he gushed. "I mean, what WAS that thing, with all those teeth and the horns and the…y'know, the teeth? Brrrr - gives me the willies just thinking' 'bout it…"

"And you could see all that from where you were hiding?" Fiona asked teasingly

"Hiding? I wasn't hiding! I was just…uh…uh…settin' an ambush! Yeah, an ambush…y'know, the whole 'element of surprise' an' all that jazz…"

"Of course."

"No, really! Let me tell ya somethin,' Princess - if you hadn't gotten ridda that thing when ya did, I woulda - Hey, wait a minute! How _did _you get ridda of that thing, anyway?"

"I punched it in the nose."

"_WHAT?!?_"

"Well, what was I supposed to do? Shrek's the one with the sword, after all…"

"So ya _punched _it?"

"Uh huh."

"In the _nose_?"

"Uh huh."

"And that _worked_?"

"It went away, didn't it?"

Donkey froze in his tracks, pondering the concept, images of Fiona slugging the monster right on its big monster snout running through his burro brain. "A punch in the nose…you'd think Shrek woulda thought o' that …"

Fiona couldn't help but smile.

"You'd _think_, wouldn't you?"

---------------

Shrek was a lot of things, but speedy wasn't one of them. So it wasn't very long at all before Fiona caught up with her stubborn spouse, Donkey faithfully plodding along behind her.

Shrek, Fiona discovered as she rounded a bend in the riverbank, had finally managed to find a bridge. At least, Fiona _assumed _it was a bridge. In truth, it didn't look like any bridge _she _had ever seen. The actual walkway over the water was blocked by a plank of wood, painted in broad black and yellow stripes, which hung across the path at roughly waist level. To the barrier's left, blocking the rest of the path, was a badly weathered wooden booth, its rotting beams and sagging roof painted in the same color scheme.

Even if Fiona hadn't been able to see her husband at that point (hard as he was to miss), she certainly couldn't have helped but _hear _him. Shrek was in the middle of a very loud, very heated discussion with the apparent proprietor of the premises, a short, squatty little creature with fiery orange skin and a bushy, unkempt green beard that covered him from nose to waist. As she drew nearer, she caught a few scraps of "conversation" between the two.

"But I don't HAVE any gold!"

"Then ya ain't got a bridge, pal!"

"Look - I need to get across this river. Now let me pass, or I'll- "

"You'll _what_?"

Shrek was just about to show the little imp what he would do, too, but Fiona stepped in between the two before the argument could come to blows.

"What's the holdup?"

"Da 'holdup' is yer fat friend here won't pay up!"

"'Fat friend!?!'" Shrek roared at the insult. "I'll show YOU 'fat friend,' ye little- "

The ogre lunged, ready to wring the creature's thick orange neck, only to find himself jerked abruptly back to his feet as Fiona grabbed hold of the leather belt wrapped around his considerable waistline. He started to protest, but the expression on the ogress' face convinced him to keep quiet, at least for the moment.

"What exactly is he not paying for?" Fiona asked Shrek's adversary in as patient a tone as she could muster. 

"FOR THE BRIDGE!" he roared. "Can't youz people read da sign!?!"

He pointed angrily at a crude sign nailed above the paneless window of the booth. The words "Troll Bridge - 1 Gold Piece" were scrawled in crooked red letters across the board, faded and smeared but very much readable.

"Troll…bridge?" Fiona mouthed the words as she read the sign. "I don't get it…"

"What's t'get?" the bridge guardian grunted. "Ya wanna use da bridge, ya gotta pay da troll."

"And that would be _you_, I take it?"

"Bingo."

As Fiona considered the situation, Donkey began to nose around a little bit on his own. His nose quickly led him to a cauldron of bubbling hot…something, boiling atop a makeshift fireplace just inside the booth. He peeked over the lip of the pot - and immediately wished he hadn't. Inside, a few pieces of grey meat (at least he _thought _it was meat) floated in a sea of foul-smelling, yellowish grease. 

Seeing a potential sale, the proprietor of the booth tore himself away from his negotiations with Shrek and Fiona long enough to saddle up to the animal.

"Can I interest youz in some DFB?" he asked Donkey in what was supposed to be his most charming voice, putting an arm around the startled animal. "Just a gold piece a leg…"

With that, he reached deep into the pot, apparently oblivious to the boiling sludge inside, and pulled out what was indeed a leg of some kind, a blackened hoof still clinging to one end.

"DFB?" Donkey asked, his eyes glued to the dripping leg.

"Yeah - 'Duloc Fried Billy-goat. My own secret recipe," the troll answered, the pride obvious in his voice. "Now, ya want regular, or extra-gruff?"

Donkey's eyes traveled from the troll to the pot and back to the troll again. Donkey _had _skipped breakfast, and he had a feeling that a lunch break was probably not on the schedule either, but even he wasn't THAT hungry!

"Uh...no thanks. I'm…uh…allergic to goat! Yeah, that's it - allergic…"

"Yer loss," the troll grunted with a shrug, nonchalantly tossing the leg back into the pot, splashing the greasy concoction all over the booth's bare wood floor. He swaggered back outside, leaving a stunned and thoroughly disgusted Donkey in his wake.

Shrek and Fiona were still arguing when he rejoined the couple at the gate. To be honest, he wasn't sure they had even noticed he had left. Just to make sure his return didn't go similarly unnoticed, the troll coughed loudly. The two ogres glared at him - but at least he had their attention.

"So - ya gonna pay?"

"No!"

"Yes!"

Fiona reached into the satchel tucked into her belt. After a little digging, she pulled out a tarnished coin and pressed it into the troll's eager hand.

"Pleasure doin' business wid ya, ma'am!" the troll responded, tipping his grimy red cap to the ogress with a grin, a single gold tooth flashing in a mouth of otherwise greenish teeth. He pulled a lever alongside the booth, and the striped arm creaked to life, lurching into an upright position to allow the princess to pass beneath it, unhindered.

Shrek started to follow, Donkey a couple steps behind, when the plank slammed back into place, missing Shrek's nose by mere inches.

Shrek turned to the troll, more furious than ever. "Hey, what gives!" he bellowed. "We paid - "

"No - she paid," the creature answered calmly. "_You _ain't paid nothin' yet!"

Out of gold and patience, Shrek looked across the bridge at Fiona. With a smug smile, Fiona strolled back to the gate and handed the troll another coin.

But the black and yellow barrier didn't budge.

"Two coins," the troll demanded with another gold-toothed grin.

"Two? But I only had to pay ONE last time!"

"Yeah, well, that wuz you. It's gonna cost extra for him, on account o' da oversize load."

"Hey!" Shrek began to protest.

"Let it go, Shrek," Fiona cut him off with a sigh, handing the creature yet another coin.

"And one for the mule- "

"Donkey!" Donkey barked from behind Shrek's hulking frame. "There's a difference, y'know…"

"Whatever," the troll answered as he pocketed Fiona's money and tugged on the lever again. The arm went up again, and Shrek, with Donkey in tow, finally started across the bridge, grumbling to himself as the cackling of the troll and the clinking of coins being counted echoed across the still water.

---------------


	7. 

**__**

Chapter 7

"The Plot Thickens"

__

"So…where are we headed?"

Shrek stepped off the bridge and turned upstream, back toward his original path, only to find Fiona standing in his way, arms crossed, patiently awaiting an answer to her question. 

Shrek glared at his wife as he tried to sidestep her, but the ogress stepped right along with him, keeping the ogre squarely in front of her. Now that Fiona had caught up with her evasive husband, she wasn't about to let him out of her sight - not even for a second.

"Well? Are going to tell me where we're going, or are we just going to stand here all day?" Fiona asked again, as ready as Shrek to get moving toward whatever destination he had in mind.

Shrek, though, saw things differently.

"We? There's no w- "

"'Yeah, yeah, I know - 'There's no we, there's no we,'" Donkey broke in before Shrek could even finish the thought, doing his sarcastic best to mimic Shrek's distinctive Scottish brogue. "I heard it all before. Man, how come y'always say that, huh? Y'sound like a broken record or somethin,' always- "

"YOU stay out of this," Shrek growled, wagging a finger in the animal's face. It was bad enough being nagged by Fiona, but he drew the line at taking any lip from Donkey.

"No, he's right, Shrek," Fiona jumped to Donkey's defense. "Every time there's so much as…as a _hint _of trouble, you going charging off by yourself, like the rest of us are just going to get in the way. Never mind the fact that I've had to save your butt TWICE this morning alone!"

"I didn't ask for ye t'come along…" Shrek grumbled.

"No. You're right - you didn't. You just left. Without so much as one word goodbye, you left me to wonder where you were or what you were doing or…or if you were even alive or not! I mean, what were you thinking, Shrek!?!"

"Look, I'm sorry about that - really, I am. I just…I didn't want ye to…to…"

"To know what was bothering you? To know where you were going? To go _with _you? To WHAT?"

"T'get hurt."

The words were barely a whisper compared the shouting matches Fiona had grown used to from Shrek in the past day or so, but they were powerful enough to stop the ogress in mid-argument. For a second, she just looked at Shrek, and what she found looking back at her from within those big brown eyes shocked her more than any words the ogre could have said.

She found fear.

"Shrek…I…I don't…I'm not going to get hurt," Fiona whispered, searching for the right words to comfort her visibly shaken husband. In the months she had known him, Fiona had seen Shrek in a lot of moods - happy, sad, angry, and of course his favorite, annoyed - but never scared. His sudden disappearance had frightened her, but this…this frightened her more.

"Ye don't know that," Shrek mumbled, looking away to keep Fiona from seeing the tears pooling in his eyes.

Fiona reached out for Shrek, cupping her husband's substantial chin in her hand and turning his face toward hers so that she could look him in the eye.

"Shrek, haven't I always taken care of myself?"

"Well, yeah…"

"And that's not going to change now."

"That's easy for ye t'say," he tried weakly one last time to dissuade Fiona. "Ye - ye don't know where I'm headed..."

"Where WE are headed," the ogress answered softly but firmly, leaving no room for argument. With a sigh of equal parts exasperation and relief, Fiona took Shrek's hand in hers. "Shrek, I love you. And whatever it is you have to face, we'll face it together - ALL of us."

She tossed a quick, knowing glance at Donkey, who grinned as he nodded his wholehearted agreement.

"But- "

"But nothing. It's settled. Lead on."

Fiona stepped out of Shrek's way and gestured dramatically toward the trail. Shrek looked from Fiona to the path and back to his wife again. With a shake of his head and what Fiona could have sworn was a smile, he shrugged and headed back upstream - Fiona to his left, Donkey to his right. 

As the trio resumed their quest (whatever it was), Fiona stretched to wrap her arm around Shrek's waist, cuddling as best she could with the ogre without sending the both of them tumbling over each other's feet. As she slipped closer, she leaned in to whisper a few final words of reassurance to her still rattled spouse.

"Relax, honey - I'll be fine. You'll see…"

--------------

The rest of the day's journey passed without incident, and Fiona was glad to see that whatever dark cloud had hung over Shrek the past few days had lifted, at least for the moment. 

In fact, he sounded happier than he had in weeks as he laughed and joked with Donkey, the two buddies trading the sorts of bad puns and worse bathroom humor which amused them almost as much as they exasperated Fiona, even suspending his own standing rule against singing long enough to join Donkey in an enthusiastically off-key rendition of "On The Road Again."

The three were so engrossed in their revelry that they didn't notice as the swamp's thick foliage began to thin. Overhead, the buzzing of insects slowly gave way to the chirping of birds, while underfoot the ground became more solid with each step. 

In fact, the would-be adventurers didn't even realize that the path they were following ended suddenly at a moss-draped rock wall until the roadblock was literally just inches from their faces.

"Now what?" Fiona asked as she eyed the wall.

"We keep goin'," Shrek answered nonchalantly as he stepped to the front of the group and began to run his hands along the rock face, wiping away bits of mud and greenery. "There's a door here somewhere…"

"Y'sure 'bout that?" Donkey asked, as unconvinced as Fiona. "'I mean, ya _sure_ we ain't lost? 'Cause I gotta be honest with ya - this whole swamp looks the same t'me, and personally, _I_ think we shoulda taken a left back there at th- "

"We're not lost, Donkey," Shrek sighed as he continued his examination of the wall. 

"Are y'sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"Really sure?"

"Yes…"

"Really, _really _sure?"

"I said 'Yes!'" Shrek bellowed, bringing the argument to an abrupt end. "Now, if ye can be quiet for half a second an' let me think, I just have t- AHA!"

With a flourish, the ogre ripped away a patch of moss and vines nearly as big as himself to reveal a boulder wedged into a narrow opening in the wall. Carved into the rock, faded from time and a losing battle with the elements, was a rough but unmistakable portrait of - 

"An ogre!" Fiona exclaimed in shocked recognition as she strode forward to get a better look at the carving, tracing the trumpet ears and sharp-toothed grimace of the relief with a finger.

"Yeah," Shrek mumbled in agreement as he removed his helmet and handed it to his wife. "An ogre. Now stand back, an' I'll get the door…"

"THAT's a door?" Fiona asked incredulously as Shrek paced slowly around the massive stone, chin in hand, eyeballing the rock from every conceivable angle as he sized up the task at hand. 

"Sure!" Shrek answered confidently, rubbing his hands together as he readied himself. He braced a shoulder firmly against the boulder and began to push. "Or it will be, anyway, once I get…this…rock…out of…th'…way…"

At first, the rock refused to budge, and for a moment it looked to Fiona as if even Shrek's considerable strength wouldn't be enough. But after a few tries, Shrek finally managed to budge the heavy obstacle. Inch by inch, muttering under his breath the entire time, Shrek forced the stone aside until there was just enough room for the ogre to squeeze between the wall and the boulder and into the darkness beyond. 

One problem taken care of - and one to go Shrek thought to himself as he turned once more to Fiona and Donkey in one final attempt to resolve another, more stubborn and, in truth, much more worrisome concern.

"This is it," he said quietly, gesturing toward the shadowy mouth of the now-unblocked passageway. "The point o' no return, as they say. If ye want t'go home - and I still wish ye would - ye'd better do it now. If not - well, don't say I didn't warn ye."

He looked up as his wife and friend, halfway hoping the two would reconsider their decision to stick with him. But both were already headed toward the opening.

"Face it, honey - you're stuck with us," Fiona purred as she walked past, patting Shrek on the cheek.

"That's what I was afraid of," Shrek mumbled to himself as he fell in step behind Fiona, easing his way through the narrow gap and into the tunnel beyond. "That's what I was afraid of…"

---------------

As their eyes adjusted to the darkness, Fiona and Donkey found themselves staring down what looked to be a series of caves which continued on as far as either could see. Of course, considering that the few stray sunbeams that managed to find their way through the "door" was the only illumination in the otherwise pitch-black tunnel, that was only a few dozen feet or so.

"We're going _through _the rock?" Fiona asked, her voice betraying just a hint of disbelief.

"Ye have a better idea?" Shrek grunted in response as he struggled to move the boulder back into place, the low rumble of rock scraping against rock echoing eerily off the tunnel walls.

"No. I…I didn't mean it like that, Shrek. I just meant that I'm just not _entirely _comfortable with the idea of- HEY!" Fiona cut her comment short as the cave was plunged suddenly into darkness. "Now what?"

"Now, we find a torch," Shrek's voice boomed from the mouth of the tunnel. "Let's see - if I remember right, there should be one around here somewhere…no…maybe over this way…got it! Now then, if I can just find a match…"

Shrek fumbled around in his pocket, hoping that he hadn't forgotten the matches along with everything else in his rush to leave the night before. Finally, his thick fingers closed around the slender sticks, and a moment later the cave was filled with the warm glow and faint crackle of torchlight.

"There, see - much better!" Shrek crowed as he waved the torch around, illuminating the far corners of the chamber, its light glistening on the tunnel's cool, clammy walls . "Everything's nice an' bright an' happy now. So let's get movin,' then, shall we?"

"Moving _where_?," Fiona asked, still unable to get a straight answer out of Shrek. "You still haven't told us where we're going!"

"An' I'm not goin' to. Besides, we'll be there in a couple hours anyway…"

With that, Shrek snatched his helmet from the hands of his flustered spouse and marched off into the darkness, leaving Fiona and Donkey to scramble after him and the fading light of the torch.

---------------

Shrek didn't have much to say for the remainder of the trio's trek, and Fiona and Donkey didn't press him. In fact, when it came right down to it, they had very little to say themselves, except to gasp in awe at the subterranean landscapes that unfolded before them as Shrek led them deeper and deeper into the tunnel.

The first thing that Fiona and Donkey discovered, upon emerging from that first passageway, was that what they had taken to be a tunnel was in fact a sprawling labyrinth of interconnected caves, caverns and long-abandoned mines, stretching for miles in every direction. Fiona wondered to herself how anyone could keep so many seemingly identical passages straight, but Shrek seemed to have no trouble at all keeping his bearings as he forged ahead, holding the torch high overhead to chase away the creeping shadows that threatened to envelope them all.

As the group moved deeper underground, the tunnels gave way to vast, open-air chambers unlike anything Fiona or Donkey had ever seen before. In one place, the three had to navigate their way through a forest of huge, phosphorescent toadstools, each easily as big as the cypress trees that filled Shrek's swamp, shielding their eyes from the sudden and unexpected light. Moments later, they were tiptoeing their way past a colony of slumbering bats, so many that the cave's ceiling appeared a wave of swaying, squirming, squeaking black. A few minutes more, and the trio were carefully easing their way across a narrow rock bridge spanning a chasm so deep that a shower of pebbles dislodged by a near-disastrous misstep by Donkey disappeared into the depths of the canyon without so much as a sound.

Hours later, having survived more perils than any of them cared to count, Shrek, Fiona and Donkey finally emerged from the caverns into another long but seemingly harmless tunnel which Shrek assured his companions led back to the surface. But, like so many before it, the tunnel stretched on and on, with no end in sight, until Shrek had to admit that maybe - just maybe - he was a little more lost than he had let on.

"Oh, this is just wonderful!" Fiona griped as they trudged on. "Here we are, a million miles from home, and we have no idea where we are OR where we're headed! I thought you _knew _these tunnels, Shrek!"

"I do! Or at least I did - it's been a while, y'know!" Shrek barked back, more upset with himself than with Fiona. He _did _know these tunnels, or he had once upon a time at any rate. He was _sure _the exit was this way, but he'd have been be hard-pressed to prove it.

What I _need _is a map Shrek thought dejectedly to himself. Or a compass…or a - 

"A sign! Hey look, Shrek - a sign!"

Shrek looked up to see Donkey jumping up and down excitedly a few yards up the path, shouting at the top of his lungs as he pranced about what indeed appeared to be a sign post of some kind.

"What's it say? What's it say?" Donkey pestered Shrek as the ogre drew closer, hopping circles around his green friend, suddenly re-energized.

"If ye can sit still for five seconds, I'll tell ye," Shrek growled, placing one huge hand atop Donkey's bobbing head, bringing the animal's hopping to a quick conclusion . The ogre knelt down and held the torch up to the badly tilting sign, squinting as he tried to decipher the faded lettering.

"'Quiet - Falling Rocks.' Well, that's simple enough…"

Simple enough for Shrek, maybe, but it sent Donkey into full panic mode as the animal pondered the idea of being buried beneath a ton of plummeting cave roof.

"Falling rocks! Falling rocks!" Donkey began to shriek, his eyes darting from side to side and especially toward the tunnel's suddenly sinister ceiling. "But I don't _wanna _be buried alive, Shrek! Ya gotta save us. Ya gotta- "

Shrek reached out and wrapped his thick fingers around Donkey's snout, bringing his friend's hysterics to a sudden and silent halt. 

"We'll be fine, Donkey - as long as ye keep yer trap shut for once. Understand?" Shrek whispered, pointing to the sign. Donkey nodded that he did indeed understand. But no sooner had Shrek released his grip than the excitable animal's mouth went right back to work, now fueled by indignation at Shrek's insinuation.

"What, ya sayin' I can't keep quiet? 'Cause let me tell you somethin,' Mr. 'keep yer trap shut,' I can be as quiet as anybody here. More quiet, even! It's not like I'm one o' those people what can't keep their mouth shut, babblin' on an' on just t'hear themselves talk. No, sir! Ya want quiet, ya got quiet! Not a word! Not a - "

It was all too much for Shrek. With a roar of anger, he grabbed Donkey around he guessed to be the waist and physically lifted the stunned animal from the ground.

"DONKEY! SHUT U- Uh, oh…"

Too late, Shrek realized the error of his ways, as the sound of his outburst echoing down the tunnel was drowned out by the distant rumble of a rockslide growing quickly closer.

"Get down!" Shrek shouted to his companion, and Fiona and Donkey did just that, diving for cover as the noise around them reached a raucous crescendo. Finding himself alone in the open, Shrek could only crouch in the middle of the tunnel, pulling his dented helmet tight around his ears as he braced himself for- 

A pebble. One single, solitary, pebble, which dropped from the still-quaking tunnel ceiling and bounced harmlessly off the helmet with an almost-inaudible *ping* before skittering off into the shadows.

"Well, that wasn't so bad, now was it?" Shrek chuckled as he dusted himself off. "For a minute there, I thought I was really caught between a rock an' a hard place - y'get it? A hard place! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…hmmm?"

He looked up at Donkey, expecting some equally bad pun in reply, but Donkey only stared back in Shrek's direction, his expression more horrified than amused.

"Uh, Shrek…"

"What? Oh, come on - that was funny!" 

"Shrek!!!"

The urgency of Fiona's scream snapped Shrek to attention. Turning away from Donkey, Shrek located his wife a few feet behind him, her face a mirror of Donkey's as she too stared back down the tunnel in horror. He followed her gaze along the trail they had traversed just minutes earlier, just in time to see a massive boulder finally dislodge itself from the tunnel ceiling and begin to rumble toward them, picking up speed as it bounced along.

Leaping into action, Shrek grabbed Fiona's arm and took off running, pausing just long enough to scoop up a petrified Donkey along the way. With Donkey tucked firmly under one arm and Fiona clinging to the other, Shrek sprinted up the tunnel, the boulder growing closer with every passing second.

Shrek's options were few, and dwindling quickly. He couldn't outrun the rock, and getting out of its way was impossible in the narrow tunnel. His only hope (and Donkey and Fiona's only hope as well) was to stay one step ahead of the stone along enough to reach the exit - wherever that was.

The ogre charged ahead, his eyes scanning the horizon for some hint of escape. Shrek didn't dare turn around to see how close the boulder was or how quickly it was closing on him, but he could feel the cavern floor beneath him shake and see chunks of rock drop from the tunnel's low ceiling begin to collapse as the boulder bounded along. 

Just as he was sure his lungs would give out, Shrek caught a glimpse of sunlight out of the corner of his eye. He shoved Fiona in the direction of the light, tossing Donkey after her. At the last second, the boulder practically on top of him, Shrek dove after his friends, the wind whipping around his feet as the boulder whizzed past and crashed into the far wall of the tunnel, bringing down a shower of stone and dust.

Outside, Shrek could only hack and cough, the combination of over-exertion and dust-laden air too much for even his ogre lungs.

"Are ye *koff* OK?" he finally managed to spit out, struggling to catch his breath.

"Yes, I'm…I'm fine, Shrek," groaned Fiona from a few feet away, and Shrek looked over to find his wife in a similar state of exhaustion, sprawled out on the muddy ground just beyond the tunnel exit. "But I hope I never see another rock the rest of my life. How're you doing, Donkey?"

From his resting spot beside Fiona, Donkey coughed violently, exhaling a billowing cloud of smoky dust that would have made his girlfriend proud.

"Me? Oh, I'm just great. Y'know, back there when I thought we was all gonna squashed by the rock, my life flashed before my eyes. Man, I never realized before what a boring life a donkey has. Eat, sleep, eat, sleep, eat, sleep…"

An' talk Shrek thought to himself with a smile, glad to hear his friend was OK. Slowly, he struggled to his feet and checked himself over for any broken bones - a valid concern, especially considering ogres have 15 more bones than regular people. Finding himself in one piece, he helped Fiona up, the two sharing a laugh at the other's grime-streaked face.

"Next time you tell somebody to be quiet, take your own advice, OK?" Fiona teased as she took a minute to dust herself off.

"Hey, I got us out of the cave, didn't I?" Shrek shot back. "I told ye I get us here, an' I did."

"Yes, you did. So, NOW can you tell me where _here _is?"

"Just take a look for yeself."

Fiona did. Just a few hundred yards from the cave, at the bottom of the rocky hillside, lay a bustling city not unlike Duloc, with its neat homes and tidy shops. Here and there, going busily about their business, Fiona could see a few bustling citizens.

Ogre citizens.

She turned to Shrek in bewilderment. One ogre visitor had been odd enough - an entire city of ogres (and Fiona could only guess that the rest of the city's citizens were ogres as well) was almost beyond imagination. 

"Shrek? What…what IS all of this?"

But Shrek's expression belied the same confusion as he muttered absent-mindedly to himself, lost in thought.

"This isn't right…this is…it's- "

Fiona took hold of Shrek's shoulders and shook him gently, just enough to rouse him from his contemplations.

"Shrek? Honey? Where ARE we?"

Trying to collect his scattered thoughts, Shrek looked down at the city below, then back to his wife, his expression unreadable even to her.

"Home."

---------------


	8. 

**__**

Chapter 8

"You Can't Go Home Again"

"E_xcuse me_?," a flabbergasted Fiona sputtered, taken aback. "Wha…what do you mean, 'home'?"

"Exactly what I said — home," Shrek answered matter-of-factly as he began to trudge down the hill toward the city below.

"So what? We're…we're _moving_?"

Caught as off-guard by his wife's question as she had been by his announcement, Shrek came to a sudden halt, nearly losing his balance on the steep slope as he turned uphill to face Fiona. 

"_Huh_?" the confused ogre asked. "Oh! No, no, no — ye're not listenin'. What I meant is— "

"This wouldn't be _so _bad, I guess," Fiona cut Shrek off, talking more to herself than to her husband as she looked over the settlement. "I mean, don't get me wrong, honey — I _love _the swamp and all, but…a whole city full of…of 'people' like us…wow. I mean, two nights ago I'd never even met another ogre— "

"An' ye don't want to — trust me. Besides, we're not movin'."

Apparently considering the conversation at an end, Shrek spun on his heels and resumed his trek toward town, leaving a still very much perplexed Fiona to hurry after him, Donkey in tow.

"But I thought you said this was home!"

With a sigh, Shrek stopped and turned again.

"Aye. An' it is — _my _home. Slobberknob. I used t'live here way back, before I moved t'Duloc an' all."

"Slobberknob?" Donkey spit out the name, twisting up his long face in a combination of skepticism and outright disgust. "What kinda name for a place is Slobberknob!?!"

"What's wrong with Slobberknob?" Shrek demanded.

"Nuthin' — 'cept it's TERRIBLE! I mean, what is it with you ogres an' names, anyhow? Everything's bodily functions an'…an' sound effects…"

"Oh, an' what would ye suggest, then?"

"I don't know. Somethin' a little less…y'know…nasty. Like…um…Ogretown! Or…or…Swampville! Yeah, Swampville! I like the sound o' that! I can see the signs now — '_Welcome to Swampville,_' or how 'bout, '_Swampville — A Nice Place to Live_.' See, now doesn't that sound better?"

"'Swampville,'" Shrek echoed, the sarcasm thick in his voice as he mused over Donkey's 'suggestion.' "Oh, yeah, that's a GREAT name for a town…"

"Hey, it's better than Slobberknob!"

"Says you!"

"Yeah — sez ME!"

"Oh, yeah? Well…well…AAAUUGH!" Shrek roared as he clutched his now-aching head in exasperation. "Why am I even arguin' about this with ye? It doesn't matter, anyway. With any luck, we'll be gone in a couple hours, and ye won't ever have t'hear the name again — problem solved."

"A couple _hours_?" Donkey asked, a little confused (as usual) by Shrek's sudden hurry. "What, don't ya wanna have a look around — y'know, visit the ol' stompin' grounds?"

"Not really, no," Shrek answered brusquely, hoping Donkey would take the hint and let the subject drop.

But catching hints, even obvious ones, wasn't exactly one of Donkey's strengths.

"Well, what about friends, then? C'mon, surely there's gotta be people ya wanna say 'hi' to. What about your folks? This IS your hometown an' all, right?"

"My parents? I don't really…have…any parents…"

"What're ya talkin' about? _Everybody_'s got parents!"

"Well, yeah, but…well, let's just say we don't talk much. In fact, considerin' I haven't seen 'em since they booted me out o' THEIR swamp when I was a kid, we don't talk at all."

"Oh. Uh…that's too bad, man. Still, there's gotta SOMEBODY ya wanna check in on. Like, oh, I don't know…ol' college buddies? An ex-roommate? Or how 'bout…uh…uh— "

"Old girlfriends?" Fiona chimed in, mostly teasing but just as curious as Donkey to find out why Shrek was in such a rush to get moving again.

"No, no, and NOT A CHANCE!" Shrek huffed indignantly, trying his best to sound shocked and offended that Fiona would even suggest such a thing. "Look, all I want t'do is get in, get out an' go home — OUR home. End of story."

-------------

Fiona's experience with ogres was, with the exception of her time with Shrek, admittedly limited. Of course, having spent all but the past few months of her life locked away in n isolated castle tower, her experience with most everything was limited.

Nevertheless, she couldn't help but be amazed by the sights that unfolded before her as she followed Shrek into town. From the tales she had read in the storybooks that filled the shelves of her tower, she had expected a city of ogres to be loud and smelly and dirty. That was, after all, how ogres were _always _portrayed in the stories, and Shrek, bless his big green heart, hadn't done much to dispel those stereotypes.

But the town, to her surprise, was none of those things. In fact, all things considered, the city was remarkably…well, _normal_. It was no Duloc, of course, but the comparison was not entirely without merit. The homes and storefronts the trio passed were almost without exception neat and well-kept, and the cobblestones beneath their feet were no more muddy or cracked or uneven than those of any other town would have been in their place.

There were subtle reminders of its odd inhabitants, to be sure — neatly trimmed hedges of wicked-looking, thorn-laden briars; contented, well-fed alligators curled up on front stoops like some pampered family pet; lines of dead fish or long-expired weed rats strung up alongside the morning wash. But all in all, the entire town gave off an air of calm contentment.

Just the sort of quiet, out-of-the-way place where a young couple — well, a young _ogre _couple, anyway — could settle down and make a life for themselves Fiona thought to herself. So why does Shrek seem so eager to leave now that we're finally here?

-------------

Shrek, for his part, had a very different opinion of his old hometown's new look. Fiona's preconceptions of ogre life might have been ill-informed, but they weren't that far off the mark. Slobberknob _had _been loud and smelly and dirty — not to mention crowded, chaotic and generally unpleasant.

But obviously, something had happened to change that, and Shrek had a bad feeling that whatever or _who_ever was responsible for the "improvements" had also had a hand in Grunder's unexpected and unwanted visit a night earlier.

Shrek needed some answers, and he intended to get them.

Problem was, no one seemed very keen on providing them. In fact, the citizens of Slobberknob seemed intent on avoiding the ogre entirely, giving the newcomers a wide berth as the trio made their way down the city's main thoroughfare. Time and again, Shrek attempted to introduce himself to some passerby, but each time the startled citizen would back away, eyes averted, without so much as a word. He'd grown used to this kind of treatment — if not worse — from the humans he had encountered over the years, but to get the same cool reception from his own people, in his own hometown, was shocking, and more than a little painful.

"I guess ogres ain't exactly the talkative type, huh?" Donkey finally quipped as yet another ogre made a quick exit at the sight of Shrek and his friends.

"Something's wrong here," Shrek answered quietly as his eyes scanned the crowds, searching the faces for someone a little more…forthcoming.

"Yeah, _I'll_ say something's wrong — nobody wants t'talk to ya!" Donkey agreed. "Hey, y'sure it ain't your breath? 'Cause I gotta be honest with ya — you really should look inta gettin' some mouthwash or somethin.' 'Cause that bug paste o' yours? Well, it ain't exactly gettin' the job done, if y'know what I'm sayin'."

"It's not m'breath, Donkey," Shrek muttered. " I just have to find somebody to— HEY, YOU!"

Out of the corner of his eye, Shrek spotted a shopkeeper doing his best to look inconspicuous while trying to both sweep off his front step and keep a wary watch over the ogre and his companions. At the sound of Shrek's voice, he dropped the broom and made a break for his front door. But Shrek was just a little quicker, and he managed to grab hold of the other ogre's collar just as his hand reached the doorknob.

The shopkeeper let out a startled squeak as his exit was brought to a sudden halt. Kicking and cursing, he tried in vain to escape Shrek's grasp, but the ogre held tight, patiently waiting for his shifty-looking captive to tire himself out before finally letting go.

"Hey, what's the hurry, pal?" Shrek growled, his mounting frustration obvious in his voice. "All I wanna do is talk…"

"But we…we're not supposed to talk to strangers."

"Says who?"

"The king, that's who!"

"King? We don't have a king!"

"Of course we do…King Odius."

"Odius, huh?" Shrek digested this new information for a second. "So where is _King _Odius?" 

The terrified shopkeeper raised a hand, a single trembling finger pointing past the rooftops of Slobberknob to the hazy hills beyond. To Shrek's surprise, a cluster of jagged towers jutted skyward from a forbidding-looking stone fortress — a fortress Shrek was pretty sure hadn't been there the last time he'd visited Slobberknob. 

As Shrek surveyed the horizon, lost in thought, his detainee took advantage of the lull in the ogre's attentiveness to make his escape. With a yelp, the shopkeeper broke free of Shrek's grip and disappeared into the shady interior of his store, the slam of the solid wooden door behind him waking Shrek from his meditations.

Shrek looked around, startled. Finding both his captive and his companions gone, the ogre chided himself for the uncharacteristic lapse in concentration. With a sigh of exasperation and a few choice ogre swear words, he turned and headed deeper into town in search of his wife and friend, more eager than ever to complete his increasingly unpleasant business in Slobberknob.

"Well, then, I guess it's time I paid a little visit to the king…"

-------------

While Shrek gave his less-than-willing informant the third degree, Donkey and Fiona had taken the opportunity to do a little sight-seeing of their own. But both quickly found that, like Shrek, it was all but impossible for them to get a word out of anyone. Eventually, they found themselves alone in the middle of the now-deserted town square, sitting dejectedly along the edge of an imposing stone fountain in the shape of a huge ogre, his cheeks bulging as the water squirted out from between his puckered lips.

"This is crazy, Donkey!" Fiona vented to Donkey as the animal paced impatiently, both of them ready to reunite with Shrek and head home. "What was he thinking, dragging us all the way out here? Especially since HE doesn't even want to be here!"

Angry and frustrated, Fiona picked up a rock near her feet and chunked it with all her ogress might. Donkey watched as the stone skipped out of sight down the empty street, then looked up at the fuming Fiona.

"Well, y'know, he didn't exactly 'drag us out here'…"

"You KNOW what I mean, Donkey! And what's with this silent treatment, anyway? This is supposed to be 'home,' right? So why the cold shoulder? Can you answer me that?"

"I don't know, princess — maybe they're shy! I mean, Shrek ain't exactly the most friendly guy in the world hims— Hey! What's that?"

Without even bothering to finish his thought, Donkey jumped atop the narrow lip of the fountain and, to Fiona's surprise, dove in, splashing through the shallow water. Wading over to the base of the statue, he quickly located what had caught his attention — a tarnished brass plaque.

"Hey, princess! What's this say?" Donkey called back to Fiona, who was trying hard not to laugh at her now-waterlogged friend. With a roll of her eyes and a chuckle, she pulled off her shoes and jumped in, doing her best to keep the hem of her dress dry as she tiptoed through the ice-cold water.

"What does what say?"

"This! This little plaque thingie right here…"

Fiona bent over to get a better look at the well-worn inscription, easing Donkey out her way and, more importantly, out of the meager light beneath the immense statue.

"It says…Throwback?"

"Throwback…Hey! Shrek told me 'bout this guy!" Donkey shouted, obviously pleased with himself for finally finding SOMETHING he knew about. "He was like, a world-record spitter or somethin'…yeah, THERE's somethin' ya wanna be famous for…"

Fiona gave Donkey a patronizing pat on the head and headed back to dry land, gesturing for the animal to follow her as she looked around to make sure no one was watching their little aquatic adventure.

"Uh, huh — that's nice, Donkey. C'mon, we'd better get out of here, before we get in any more trouble."

With one last look back at his discovery, Donkey nodded and paddled back to the fountain's edge.

"Yeah, OK. Hey, what was the name o' that other guy Shrek kept talkin' about?" he chattered to himself , trying to jog his memory as he struggled to climb out of the pool. "Oh, yeah! Bloodnut the…the Flatulent! Man, I don't even wanna KNOW where the water comes outta HIS statue…"

With a shudder of disgust at the thought, Donkey jumped from the raised edge of the fountain to the cobblestones below, making sure his hooves had a solid grip on the wet rocks before shaking himself dry, drenching Fiona in the process.

"Donkey!"  
"Oh...uh, sorry about that, princess," Donkey sheepishly apologized. "Didn't mean t— Hey, Shrek!"

Thankful for the chance to change the subject, Donkey galloped down the street toward his friend, who had just rounded the corner and was stomping determinedly toward the fountain. Donkey pranced around his buddy, as excited as if Shrek had been absent for weeks, and not just a few minutes.

"So, did ya find out anything? Huh, did ya? Did ya?" Donkey pestered Shrek as the ogre tried to sidestep him long enough to reach his wife.

"Yes, Donkey, OK? I found out somethin'," Shrek barked at his friend. "An' if ye'll get out o' my way for a second an' let me sit down, I'll tell y— well, looks like _somebody _had a little swim while I was out!"

Shrek grinned at the sight of a thoroughly soaked Fiona laboring to wring the last of the water out of her dress. She smiled weakly back at her husband, brushing a strand of wet red hair out of her eyes.

"Yeah, something like that," Fiona responded with a knowing glance at Donkey, leaving behind a trail of puddles as Shrek helped her to her feet. "So…are we ready to go?"

"Uhm…not exactly."

"'Not exactly'!?!" Fiona shouted, throwing her hands into the air and inadvertently pelting Shrek with the last stubborn drops of fountain water. "What do you mean, 'not exactly'? You said this was only going to take a couple hours!"

"I know," Shrek apologized as he wiped the water out of his eyes. "Somethin'…came up."

"So we're staying?"

"Well, no…not really."

"I'm confused…"

"Believe me, so am I! But I promise I'll take care of everything. I just need t'see somebody first…"

-------------


	9. 

**__**

Chapter 9

"The Waiting Game"

Two things very quickly became obvious to Shrek as he set out with Fiona and Donkey in the direction of Odius' castle. One, the foreboding stone structure was quite a bit further down the road from town than the ogre had originally estimated, which meant that it was considerably larger than he had assumed — not the most reassuring of thoughts. And two, the chances of his reaching the castle without a lengthy interrogation from both Fiona and Donkey were about as good as the chances of — well, of Donkey staying quiet until they reached the castle.

To her credit, Fiona managed to rein in her curiosity longer than Shrek would have expected. But eventually, with the town of Slobberknob several miles behind, its neat cobblestone streets long since abandoned for a worn dirt path, the suspense and the silence proved too much, even for a princess.

"_Soooo_ — who is this…person…we're going to see again?" Fiona asked as she coyly slipped her arm through the crook of Shrek's elbow — out of affection, mostly, but also as an effective (and subtle) way of keeping Shrek close at hand.

"Hmm? Oh…uh, Odius," a cautious Shrek responded, unsure where this was going. If this trip had taught him anything, it was that if Fiona really wanted to know something, she would eventually get an answer — but that didn't keep Shrek from hoping that just this once she might let a subject drop.

Obviously, that wasn't going to be the case, at least not this time around.

"And WHY are we going to see this 'Odius'?" Fiona pressed Shrek for details. Just as the journey had proven to Shrek that he couldn't long keep a secret from his wife, it had taught Fiona that he would try nonetheless.

"I…I've just got some questions for 'im — that's all…nothin' big…"

"And would these _questions _have anything to do with our _visitor _the other evening?"

"Who? Y'mean the pixie? No, o' course n— "

"You KNOW who I mean, Shrek," Fiona huffed, coming to a sudden stop. She untangled her arm from Shrek's, placing both hands on her hips as she fixed Shrek squarely in her sights, impatiently awaiting his response.

"They…um…they _might_…" Shrek mumbled as he fumbled with the knots that held his leather vest together, avoiding Fiona's gaze.

"So you DO think this Odius has something to do with it!"

"Maybe," Shrek conceded, looking up. "Then again, maybe not. I don't know. Ye never c'n tell with Odius..."

"Odius…Odius…man, there's another o' them ogre names!" the forgotten Donkey suddenly broke in, nudging his way between the ogres. "'Odius' — What's that mean, anyways?"

"I think it means…you know…bad — not nice," Fiona offered helpfully before turning to her husband. "Shrek?" 

"Toss in mean-spirited an' power-hungry an' jus' generally unpleasant and ye've pretty much got Odius in a nutshell," Shrek replied with a smirk, counting off Odius' less-than-flattering traits on his fingers as he rattled them off.

Shrek had hoped that explanation would be enough to put a prompt end to Donkey's inquiry. But the thoughtful look on the animal's face quickly faded to one of confusion and concern, making it obvious that all Shrek's answer would get him was even more questions from his furry friend.

"Yeah, well, if this guy's so bad, then how come you're in such a hurry to see him?" Donkey asked, eyeing Shrek with suspicion. "Huh? Answer me that!"

"'Cause he's in charge — at least, that's what the guy back'n town said," Shrek explained nonchalantly, drawing on all the confidence he could muster in an attempt to convince his companions that he was still very much on top of the situation. "I figure, why not go straight t'the top?"

"An' this Odius guy's the top, huh?" Donkey asked, still unconvinced and unimpressed by Shrek's false bravado.

"Well, ye can't go much more 'top' than king, now can ye?"

To Shrek's surprise, his offhand comment drew an immediate response from the excitable animal, who instantly went from simply worried to outright panicked. 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa — ya didn't say nothin' 'bout this guy bein' KING!"

"What's it matter?"

"What's it matter? What's it matter!?!" Donkey echoed the flustered ogre, pacing nervously back and forth between Shrek and Fiona, who could only look on in astonished silence as their friend grew increasingly agitated. "This guy's a KING, Shrek — ya can't just go marchin' up to a place an' demandin' t'talk to the king!"

"An' why not?" the ogre shot back irritably, not sharing Donkey's sudden concern. "It worked in Duloc, didn't it?"

"Oh, yeeeahhhh," Donkey drawled sarcastically. "It worked just GREAT in Duloc! 'Cept for Farquaad siccin' a buncha knights on us, and then almost shootin' us full o' arrows, and THEN makin' us fight a dragon! Or did ya just forget about that part? An' HE wasn't even a real king! 'It worked in Duloc' — man, what're ya thinkin', Shrek?"

"Hey, ye have t'admit — we DID get t'talk to Farquaad, didn't we?" Shrek answered with a sheepish grin. To be honest, he'd never really considered how close he'd come to ending up an _ex_-ogre on his little adventure. But then again, true love had a way of making all the little…inconveniences…along the way seem unimportant by comparison.

True love or not, Donkey wasn't about to forget those "inconveniences," or the overly direct approach that had prompted them. "Princess, tell Shrek he can't just go 'round bargin' in, talkin' t'people!" he urged Fiona, hoping two against one would be enough to change the ogre's famously stubborn mind. 

"Wha— why me?" Fiona stammered, taken aback at her unexpected and involuntary entry into the debate.

"'Cause, y'know, you're a princess!" Donkey prompted the ogress helpfully.

"So….?"

"_Sooo_," Donkey spelled things out for the flustered Fiona, rolling his eyes in exasperation, "you oughta know all 'bout the whole 'royalty' gig, right?"

This time, it was Fiona's turn to look away, hands fidgeting nervously, eyes locked on the ground at her feet. Clearly, the conversation had taken a turn with which she wasn't entirely at ease.

"Uhm…well, actually…not really, no," she answered quietly, her voice little more than a whisper, especially compared to the very…_vocal…_protests that had preceded them.

"Huh? What d'you mean, 'not really'?" Donkey pestered the princess, one eyebrow cocked in a familiar look of utter confusion. "I mean, y'ARE royalty, aren't ya?"

"_Well…_you have to remember, Donkey, I was just a little girl when I was banished to Dragon's tower," Fiona tried to explain, clearly uncomfortable with the topic. "To be honest, I…I really don't remember much about life in the royal court."

"But ya gotta remember SOMETHING, right?"

"Let it go, Donkey," Shrek growled, stepping between the two and putting a quick end to the subject. He wasn't angry with Donkey (not yet, anyway), but it was obvious that Fiona didn't feel like talking about her past — a sentiment the ogre could certainly identify with. "It doesn't matter. Besides, it's not like Odius is REALLY a king, anyway."

"But I thought you said— "

"All _I_ said, Donkey, was that guy in town _said _Odius was king."

"So ya think he was lyin', huh?"

"Well, no…"

"Oh. So ya think this Odius guy IS king, then?"

"No! Yes! Ohhhh…I don't know," Shrek groaned, wondering to himself how he managed to stumble into these kinds of exchanges again and again.

"I'm confused..."

"That makes two of us, Donkey," Fiona spoke up as she stepped forward, having taken the opportunity to compose herself. "Would you mind going over all that again, honey? Maybe a little _slower _this time?"

"Look, all I know is, Odius sure wasn't any king when _I_ knew him."

"And that was WHEN, exactly?"

"Oh, y'know…back when I was still livin' in Slobberknob," Shrek answered, jerking a thumb back over his shoulder in the general direction of town.

"So ya used to be buddies with the king, huh?" Donkey teased in mock indignation. "Ya been holdin' out on us, Shrek! A couple hours ago you were sayin' ya didn't have ANY friends here, an' now all of a sudden you're like, 'Excuse me, I gotta go see my FRIEND, the KING!'"

"Hey, I never said we were friends," Shrek corrected him.

"So what WERE you, then?" Fiona joined in, as eager as Donkey to get a straight answer out of her characteristically evasive husband.

"We were…associates. No, not even that. More like…_acquaintances_, really."

"Yeah, well, don't look now, Mr. Big Shot, but it looks like your buddy the king's got some 'acquaintances' of his own," Donkey hissed, his eyes firmly focused on the road ahead.

"What're ye talkin' abo — oh."

Shrek's attention had been so occupied by the conversation that he had failed to notice Odius' fortress drawing rapidly closer — so close, in fact, that another 50 feet or so and the ogre would have gone toppling head over heels into the decidedly uninviting moat that circled the compound.

The bigger problem, though, was what lay on the other side of the moat. 

Just across the rotten wooden drawbridge, its rusty chains and worm-eaten planks a testament to years of disuse, a heavy portcullis was set into the otherwise featureless stone walls, separating the travelers from the castle courtyard beyond. Flanking the gate were a pair of disinterested ogre guards, neither looking particularly alarmed by, or even aware of, the trio's arrival. In fact, the guard to Shrek's right — the older of the two, judging by a few sparse gray hairs sticking out from beneath his battered helmet — appeared to be fast asleep. Still, in their sturdy if poorly maintained armor, each armed with a nasty-looking spear easily as tall as Shrek himself, the pair were enough to give the ogre — not to mention his companions — pause. 

"Shrek?" Fiona whispered, now sharing Donkey's anxiety toward her husband's "plan." But if the ogre had any notion of changing his mind on the subject, he wasn't letting on. On the contrary, he seemed more at ease than he had since leaving Slobberknob. Obviously, confrontation was one thing Shrek DIDN'T have a problem with.

"Jus' hold on a second — I'll handle this, OK?" Shrek reassured his worried wife, resting a comforting hand on her shoulder. Taking her half-hearted nod as a "yes," he strode off purposefully in the direction of the castle. 

"Hey! You there! You with the spear! Anybody home?" Shrek bellowed as he stomped across the drawbridge, the ancient timbers creaking and groaning beneath his considerable weight, loose boards and splinters raining down on the moat below. 

Reaching the opposite bank without incident, he marched right up to the castle gate. For a second, it looked as if the ogre might be able to walk right past the guards and raise the portcullis himself, but no sooner had his hand touched the gate than a pair of spears slammed down in front of him, forming a threatening "X" across the gate's cross-timbers.

"Nobody gets in," the younger guard snarled as Shrek instinctively took a step backward. "King Odius' orders."

Shrek, though, seemed less than intimidated by the show of force — especially after glancing down to see the elder guard still slumped against the castle wall, his helmet pulled tightly over his eyes, the single arm raised to keep the spear aloft the only sign he was even conscious.

"Humph! Is that so?" Shrek sneered in response. "Well, tell _King _Odius that Shrek's here t'see him"

"The king ain't here."

"WHAT?!!"

"Y'heard me," the guard grunted. "The king has left the building."

"Oh, f'r Pete's sake…" Shrek grumbled, growing increasingly frustrated by these constant complications of what had already been a trying trip. "An' when'll he be back, then?"

The guard just shrugged. Apparently, answering questions from belligerent visitors wasn't part of his job description — at least not the way _he _understood it. But Shrek could be just as stubborn as any castle guard.

"I'll wait."

"Hey, it's your life, pal. Hey, Grogg!" the guard barked at his napping cohort, "I'm takin' this guy down t'the waiting room."

"Me AND m'friends…" Shrek corrected him, gesturing to Fiona and Donkey to join him. 

As the two _inched _their way across the rickety drawbridge, Donkey took the opportunity to get a closer look at the moat. 

He immediately wished he hadn't.

Just a few short feet below the less-than-trustworthy wooden bridge, menacing shadows slithered and darted in the brackish depths. Now and again, SOMETHING would break the water's surface, offering a fleeting glimpse of slimy, greenish-gray skin and jagged scales. What it was, Donkey had no idea — and frankly, he didn't WANT to know. He was just glad to reach the other side, where the guard had raised the portcullis and was signaling impatiently for the three to follow him. 

Donkey rushed forward, more out of fear of being left behind with the things in the moat than of enthusiasm for the destination ahead. He had just reached the gate when he felt something take hold of his tail, bringing him to a sudden, and painful, stop. He turned to see the appendage firmly in the armored grip of the "sleeping" Grogg.

"Pssst!" the guard hissed, beckoning for Donkey to move closer. Looking uneasily from the grizzled guard to Shrek and Fiona and back again, he leaned forward, his ears (and the hairs along his neck) standing on end in uneasy expectation.

"Y-yeah?"

"Good luck in there, fuzzy— "

Taken aback by the rare friendly words, Donkey grinned broadly. Maybe things here wouldn't be so bad after all!

"Hey, thanks, man!" he gushed. "I gotta admit, I was a little worried there for a min— "

"Yer gonna need it…"

---------------

"THIS is the waitin' room?"

Shrek had expected the guard to take him and his friends into the castle to await Odius' return. Instead, they had been led down a flight of slippery stone steps to the labyrinth of dungeons and catacombs that wormed their way beneath the fortress. Now that he stood outside the heavy wooden door of one of the dungeons' countless cells, Shrek was feeling considerably less confident than he had just minutes earlier in demanding to see the king.

"Yup," the guard grunted in response as he rummaged through the myriad pockets and pouches of his armor before producing a rusty metal key. Forcing the key into the door's similarly rusted lock, he swung open the door with a squeak of long-unoiled hinges and gestured for the three visitors to enter. "Now git inside an' wait."

If Shrek and Fiona were uneasy about entering the room (and they were), then Donkey was downright mortified. Following the ogre couple, he hadn't taken more than a couple steps into the cell before spinning on his hooves and heading hurriedly for the door and the departing guard.

"Y'know, I really appreciate the tour an' all, but I think I'll just wait outside if that's OK with y— 

*WHAM!*

The door slammed shut in Donkey's face, coming to rest just inches from the shocked animal's face.

"Well, so much for service with a smile," he grumbled to himself as he walked across the room to join his friends. Fiona had sat down on one of a row of rough wooden benches along the left wall and was thumbing through a stack of long-untouched magazines left next to her seat, while Shrek stood leaning against a small, barred window on the far wall, shouting loudly at whoever was on the other side. 

Whatever the room was now, it was obvious even to Donkey what it HAD been. Here and there, the cell's damp stone walls were "decorated" with empty manacles — empty except for the pair directly across from Fiona, which still held the yellowed, cobweb-encrusted bones of the dungeon's last ogre "tenant."

Man, can't Shrek find a castle that ISN'T full o' dead people? Donkey thought unhappily. Everywhere we go, it's dead knight, or dead ogres — yeah, that's REAL comfortin'…

He had just made himself at home on a cold patch of floor at Fiona's feet when an obviously disgruntled Shrek stomped over and plopped onto the seat next to his wife.

"They tol' me t'take a number!" Shrek griped, waving a small slip of paper in Fiona's face. "A NUMBER! Like there's a line or somethin'!"

"So what's the number?" Donkey piped up from the floor. Shrek unfurled the slip and, squinting, tried to make out the tiny number printed thereon.

"Lessee…one…one-forty-seven."

"147?" Fiona asked incredulously. "They DO realize we're the only ones here — don't they?"

"Yeah, unless y'wanna count our 'friend' over there," Donkey added sarcastically with a nod toward the skeleton.

"Hey, don't worry," Shrek reassured them both. "Probably jus' some sort o' clerical error or somethin'. Trust me — We'll be in an' out o' here bef— "

"Four!" a gravelly voice screeched from the other side of the window. "Number Four!"

"Number Four!" Shrek bellowed, jumping to his feet and marching over to the window.

"Hey, you in there!" he yelled, banging loudly on the metal bars. "What do ye mean, 'Number Four'?" I wanna talk t'someb— AAH!"

Shrek jumped back in surprise as a pair of bloodshot eyes suddenly blinked into existence, staring back through the bars from beneath thick, shaggy eyebrows.

"Take a number!" the voice growled from the other side.

"I already took a number! Number 147! That's what I wanna talk to ye abo— "

"You have a number?"

"Yeah, but— "

"Then wait!"

"But I'm the only one here!"

"Wait!"

"But…but I— "

"WAIT!!!"

With that, a musty, faded windowshade came slamming down on the inside of the bars. Scrawled across the blind in faded type letters were the words "Back at ___." 

No time followed.

"Fine. I'll wait, then…" Shrek muttered, crumpling up the slip and tossing it away before reclaiming his seat next to Fiona.

"So?" she asked hopefully. "What'd they say?"

"We wait."

"Well, you might as well make yourself comfortable, then," she offered as she rifled through the magazines. "Let's see. We've got 'Better Swamps and Gardens,' 'Highlights for Goblins,' 'People' — looks like some kind of cookbook…" 

---------------

"One-forty seven!"

"Wha? Huh?" Shrek sputtered as he awoke with a start. He had dozed off while waiting — all three of them had, judging by the weight of Fiona's head on his shoulder and the unmistakable sound of snores coming from his feet. 

Well, it HAS been a while since any o'us had any sleep he reminded himself. Or a decent meal…or a shower…

Stiffly, he labored to his feet and shuffled over to the window. "I'm 147!"

"Well, good for you," the voice sneered sarcastically from behind the bars. "Slip, please."

"Slip? Oh, for— " Shrek grumbled as he began to search his pockets. "Now, where did I put th— "

"Ahem!" a voice coughed behind him, and Shrek turned to find Fiona, still rubbing the sleep from her eyes, holding out the crumpled wad of paper she had retrieved from the cell floor.

"Oh. Right. Thanks, dear," Shrek whispered apologetically, doing his best to smooth out the slip before sliding it through the bars. "There ye go — Slip No. 147."

A gnarled green hand snatched the piece of paper from the window's narrow counter and disappeared into the shadows beyond. An instant later, three laminated cards appeared on the counter. 

Baffled, Shrek took one and held it up to the meager torch light.

"Visitor's pass — King Odius' Palace," he read out loud. "Huh."

With a shrug, Shrek handed one to Fiona, who pinned it to her dress, and the other to Donkey, who, finding himself without a place to pin his, gripped the badge firmly in his teeth. Shrek had just finished fastening the final badge to his own vest when the clinking of a key in the lock announced a new arrival. The cell door swung open, revealing the same bored guard who had dropped off the three now well-rested visitors hours earlier.

"The King'll see you now…"

---------------


	10. 

**__**

Chapter 10

"Enter Odius"

"'_To The King' — _ Well, looks like this is the place…"

Shrek glanced expectantly from the sign to his friends as their guide struggled to unlock the door beneath it. This wasn't the first time they'd been forced to wait while the guard labored with locks and deadbolts, and Shrek couldn't help but wonder who was important — or paranoid — enough to warrant so much security.

Finally, the unmistakable click of a key sliding into place and a lock mechanism being tripped alerted the three that the soldier had finally succeeded in his task. Looking back at his charges, the guard swung the door open, motioning for them to follow him inside. With no other option presenting itself, the three complied, filing through the door as their guide placed his torch into an empty bracket bolted into the stone wall.

"This way," he grunted, pointing down the hallway within.

Shrek and his friends had been down a lot of passageways on the surprisingly lengthy journey from the waiting room — more than really seemed necessary, to tell the truth. But none of the other hallways they had traveled had been designed with such an obvious eye for… atmosphere…as the one they now entered.

The hall stretched on for a good 70 yards at least, with a pair of wall-mounted torches burning every 10 or so. A once-luxurious but now moth-eaten and mud-streaked red carpet ran down the center of the otherwise bare stone floor, and portrait after unflattering ogre portrait leered back from their frames along either wall, giving the three visitors an eerie feeling of being watched. _Someone _had put a lot of work into making the entry hall as imposing as possible, and it was with no small measure of apprehension that Shrek, Fiona and Donkey started down the dim corridor after their guide.

"Well, it's about time!" Shrek grumbled loudly as he fell into step behind the guard, hoping to hide his growing uneasiness from both his friends and their escort. "People thinkin' they can jus' set us aside without so much as a '_Thank ye very much' — _ I'm a very busy ogre, y'know!"

Shrek's protest drew no discernible response — at least not from the guard.

"'_A very busy ogre_,' huh?'" Fiona whispered, lifting a hand to her mouth to stifle a giggle and doing her best not to attract the guard's attention. "Since when?"

"All right, so maybe I exaggerated _just _a little," Shrek whispered back, his low chuckle a tinny echo within the helmet he still sported despite Fiona's protests that it wasn't exactly appropriate attire for meeting royalty — "Better safe than sorry," he had argued at the time. "But HE doesn't have t'know that, now does he?"

Donkey, never one to be left out where talking was involved, was just about to offer his own, louder take on the couple's hushed conversation when one of the paintings caught his eye. He stopped to examine the work of art — a portrait of a portly ogre with a devious grin splitting his blotchy jade face and a cloud of unpleasant-looking yellow smoke billowing up behind him. As he did so, his trio of ogre companions continued on, unnoticed and unnoticing, without him.

"'Bluh…blue…blood," Donkey struggled to sound out the words on the portrait's nameplate. Reading wasn't one of his strong points — after all, barnyards weren't exactly known for great literature. "Bloodnut!" he finally managed. "Huh? How 'bout tha— HEY!"

He turned to inform Shrek of his little "discovery," only to find the ogre a good 15 yards down the hall. Realizing he'd been left behind, Donkey took off at full gallop in the direction of his companions, the threadbare red carpet doing little to muffle the click-clack of his hooves. Slowing to a trot as he reached his friends, Donkey nudged his way between Shrek and Fiona, bringing their discussion to a quick end.

"Psst! Hey, Shrek — who ARE all these guys?" Donkey hissed, eyeing the portraits nervously.

"Wha?" Shrek sputtered, caught a little off-guard by Donkey's sudden reappearance. "Oh…they're, uh, heroes — OGRE heroes," he answered, gesturing toward the nearest painting. "See, there's Wormgut…an' Sluggullet…an' here's Grunk, the Fairly Unpleasant."

"Uh huh…_unpleasant_…yeah," Donkey mumbled in response, nodding his head as he mulled over this new information, less enamored than ever with ogres' taste in names. "So, uh, what'd these guys do t'get all famous an' everything anyways?"

"Well — all sorts o'things, Donkey," Shrek explained. "Some of 'em built stuff…some fought off monsters an' that sort o' thing…some were jus' good at, y'know, bein' big an' mean an' scary — ye remember, 'th'whole ogre trip?' But all of 'em managed t'get all us ogres t'work together. An' believe you me, that's no easy thing t— "

"Ahem!"

At the sound of the cough, Shrek and Donkey cut their discussion short, glancing over at the source of the noise. Satisfied he had everyone's attention, the guard stepped forward, taking hold of a frayed rope that held closed a similarly worn-looking crimson curtain draped across the far end of the hallway. Fumbling through his pockets with his free hand, the ogre finally produced a crumpled notecard. Holding the card up to the nearest torch, the guard took one last look at the words printed thereon, lips moving silently as he read. 

"May I per-press-present," he stumbled through his lines, eyes scanning the card still held firmly in hand, "his royal highness — King Odius!"

He tugged the rope loose and the curtain fell upon, revealing a sprawling throne room. Like the hallway that preceded it, the room was decked out in the second-hand trappings of royalty, topped off by a huge, wall-spanning tapestry depicting an imperial-looking ogre addressing a cheering crowd — although, upon closer inspection, it was obvious that the ogres had been painted on, and recently, over a more conventional, _human _scene.

And in front of the tapestry, seated on a rough-hewn stone throne marked by the same grimacing ogre face carved into the cavern "door," sat its subject — a regal but weary-looking ogre, the pea-green skin of his face not hidden by his gray-streaked beard or thick, bushy eyebrows crisscrossed by a latticework of wrinkles, dressed in a threadbare approximation of kingly garb. A dented brass crown rested about his graying temples, and a ratty-looking fur cape hung from his slumping shoulders. 

If this is the Odius everyone has been going on about Fiona thought to herself as she eyed her apparent host I'm NOT impressed.

She was, however, a little concerned — not so much by the seated ogre as the familiar-looking figure standing menacingly behind him, whose grim face and massive frame she recognized almost immediately as that of the late-night visitor who had spurred this unexpected quest.

A rough shove from behind brought a rude end to the ogress' observations. She whirled around angrily, ready to give the guard a piece of her mind — and was shocked to find a furious-looking Shrek glaring back. Before the flustered princess could manage a word, he forced his way past, seemingly oblivious to everything and everyone but— 

"ODIUS!" Shrek roared as he marched forward, his heavy footsteps ringing loudly off the walls of the huge but almost empty chamber. "I've got a couple o' questions t— "

The elder ogre raised a hand to silence Shrek as he leaned forward, squinting at his helmed visitor.

"And you would be…?" he asked blandly, his monotone betraying his lack of interest in the answer. 

Shrek was surely interested in providing one, though. With a grunt of frustration and disgust, he wrenched the helmet from his head and tossed it into the hands of his startled wife, his ears springing back into place as they slipped free.

"I'D be SHREK!"

"Shrek?" 

The king's entire countenance changed in an instant at the mention of the name. His head lifted, his shoulders straightened, and a broad grin spread across his lined face.

"YOU! Why didn't you tell me Shrek was here?" he demanded from the guard, who looked as perplexed by the king's sudden change of mood as Shrek and his friends.

"But…but I DID, milord…" the befuddled guard tried frantically to explain.

"Silence!" the king barked, cutting the guard's panicked search for an answer short and waving a hand dismissively in the direction of the hall. "You may go now."

Confused and a little embarrassed (although he wasn't sure why), the guard slunk out of the room, taking care to close the curtain and refasten the rope behind him.

The senior ogre watched until he was sure his underling had gone, then rose to his feet and strode forward in the direction of Shrek, arms outstretched in welcome.

"Shrek, m'boy!" he crowed as he approached the ogre, his smile growing even wider. "How long has it been?"

Shrek couldn't have been more disinclined to return the warm greeting.

"Not nearly long enough, Odius," he growled, staring up at the taller but much thinner monarch in obvious enmity.

Odius' smile faded, his feelings apparently hurt by the chilly reception from Shrek. The sting of Shrek's rejection didn't linger long, though, as Odius' pained expression quickly faded to its earlier world-weary countenance, the ogre recapturing his regal bearing

"Well, if you really feel that way, then perhaps I don't have time to speak with you after all," he responded coolly. "After all, I have a VERY full schedule as is, what with being KING and all…"

With that, Odius gestured for the looming Grunder to join them. As the huge ogre reached the foursome, the king pointed toward the curtain before turning away and trudging slowly back to his throne.

"Grunder — show our guests out," he sighed as he reclaimed his seat.

More than happy to follow Odius' lead and halfway hoping for an argument from Shrek, Grunder grinned wickedly and started toward the three visitors.

"It would be my _pleasure_, milord…" he rumbled, appreciative of the chance to flex his considerable muscle.

But Shrek was in no mood to put with Grunder's attitude. He intercepted the towering creature in mid-stride, planting one jabbing finger squarely in the ogre's armored chest.

"Not so fast," Shrek snarled in the face of the startled Grunder, then spun to face Odius.

"An' you! I came here for some answers — an' I'm not leavin' until I get 'em!"

"Questions?"

"Yeah, questions!" Shrek echoed as he approached the throne, coming to rest just inches from Odius. "Like why HE suddenly popped up at m'door the other night…"

"Why? Because I _sent _him, of course!"

Shrek has already opened his mouth to argue, steeled for a denial and a lengthy argument from Odius. The king's voluntary confession had caught him a bit off-guard, but to his credit, he recovered quickly. He looked over his shoulder with a self-satisfied grin at Fiona, who had stepped between Shrek and the smoldering Grunder.

"See — I told ye he had something' t'do with it!" Shrek shouted smugly in the direction of his wife before turning his attention once again to Odius. "An' _why _would ye want t'do somethin' like that, then?"

Odius seemed neither surprised nor alarmed by the question. In fact, he seemed to be not the least bit unsettled by Shrek's irate interrogation. "I needed to be sure we were dealing with the right ogre," he replied calmly, as if the answer should have been obvious.

"Right ogre?" Shrek repeated, his voice thick with confusion — and suspicion. "Right ogre f'r _what_?"

"Why, for— " Odius started to answer before catching himself in mid-sentence. "Never mind. It's clear you're not interested, so— "

Shrek had had more than enough of Odius' games. With a roar of anger, he seized the ratty fur lining of Odius' cape and slammed the startled monarch into his seat. 

"Now look here, Odius," he growled, his face no more than an inch from that of his host. "King or no, I want some straight answers— "

Grunder wasn't about to see the king accosted on HIS watch, and he started forward to put an end to Shrek's heavy-handed questioning. But he had only managed a step or two before he found his forward progress brought to a quick halt by the outstretched arm of a determined-looking Fiona.

"Hold it right there, pal," she ordered quietly, locking him in her sights with the same angry gaze that had snapped Shrek out of more than one temper tantrum. She was relieved to find that it worked equally well on Grunder, who took an unsteady step back. Clearly, this ogress meant business.  
"Milord?" he called out uncertainly over the head of the much shorter Fiona, finding himself in an unfamiliar situation and not entirely sure how he should respond.

"— an YE'RE the ogre who's goin' t'give 'em t'me," Shrek continued his demands, ignoring the confrontation behind him. He leaned closer, until he was nose-to-nose and eye-to-eye with the cringing Odius. 

"Aren't ye?"

Shrek had hoped his "bad cop" act would bully Odius into telling him what he wanted to know, as it had with the shopkeeper back in Slobberknob. But the king was not so easily intimidated. He shifted his own weight forward, forcing Shrek to retreat, until he was once again sitting up straight in the throne.

"Fine. You want answers, Shrek?" Odius asked, a sly smile playing across his lips. "Then you shall have them…tonight….at dinner…"


	11. 

**__**

Chapter 11

"Limited-Time Offer"

"'Whoo! Fan-cee!" Donkey whistled appreciatively as a clearly irritated Grunder showed the king's "guests" into the castle banquet hall a few hours later. The three hadn't been much keen on the idea of another wait, but at least it had given them a chance to catch their breath — to wash up, rinse a few of the more obvious stains out of their clothes and, in the case of Fiona at least, make sure their hair was halfway presentable.

"Yeah…_fancy_…somethin' like that…" a preoccupied Shrek mumbled in mock agreement, but he wasn't sold on Odius' new look — not just yet. It WAS fancy, all right, but something about the whole place just didn't sit right with the ogre — starting with the fact it existed at all. For one thing, he was sure the castle hadn't been here the last time he'd visited Slobberknob. For another thing, ogres weren't big on being told what to do — even when it was for their own good. So the idea of building a castle for an ogre _king_…well, it was ridiculous.

Especially when that king is Odius Shrek thought grimly to himself.

Shrek wasn't the only one feeling a little uneasy about his surroundings. Donkey was being his usual anxious, noisy self, which wasn't doing much to settle Shrek's jangled nerves, and Fiona — Fiona had been all but silent since their meeting with Odius, and that concerned the ogre. Fiona could be as obstinate and hot-tempered and demanding as Shrek at times (all right, _most _of the time), but her husband had always taken that as an encouraging sign — it meant she was firmly in control of the situation, or at the very least, knew what it would take to get there. But a quiet Fiona…that could mean trouble, and knowing that his wife was anything less that supremely confident left Shrek that much more rattled himself.

"How ye holdin' up?" he whispered as he nudged Fiona, who was eyeing the room with a strange, faraway look in her blue eyes, her hands absent-mindedly toying with her newly plaited braid.

"Huh? Oh…uh…OK, I guess," she answered distractedly, flashing a weak but (she hoped) reassuring smile at her worried husband. "This is…_nice_."

"Oh, yeah — _very _nice. Nice an' CREEPY!" he hissed back at her. "Sort o' like Dragon's place, hmm?"

Shrek was trying to be clever, but he was right, Fiona realized with a start. It _was _kind of like Dragon's place. In fact, it was a LOT like Dragon's decrepit keep — right down to the badly leaning columns and tattered banners covering crumbling, uneven stonework walls.

Throw in a little lava and a few ex-knights and it's 'home sweet home!' she joked to herself with a grin.

And then it hit her. As Shrek had pointed out more than once during the wait between their audience with Odius and Grunder's retrieval of them for dinner just a few minutes earlier, ogres didn't build castles like this.

But HUMANS did.

That, she realized, was why Slobberknob had seemed so non-threatening, so _familiar_, and why she had been fighting a unshakable sense of déjà vu since they'd left the waiting room. The town was all but identical to every other hamlet she'd ever seen (not that there were many), and she'd spent practically her entire life in a castle not much different than this one — a little more run-down, and a lot hotter, but similar in size and design.

HUMAN design she thought to herself as she tried to make sense of this epiphany. A HUMAN castle for an OGRE king. But why? And what does all of this have to do with— 

"SHREK!"

The sound of Odius' booming voice roused Fiona from her contemplation. The king sat alone at the far end of a lengthy banquet table draped in a once-fancy, once-white tablecloth, now grey with age and stained here and there by evidence of meals past. Atop the cloth sat a spread of food unlike anything Fiona had ever seen before. Seemingly every dish imaginable, human AND ogre, was represented, including a few "treats" the ogress couldn't identify — for which she was thankful. Some boiled and bubbled, others oozed, and one or two, she was convinced, had _moved_.

"Shrek!" Odius called out again, motioning for his guests to join him at the table. "Please, sit down! Can I offer you all some wine?"

"Uh…_OK_…" Shrek could only stammer as he and his friends took their seats at the other end of the table — close to the door, and more importantly, far away from Odius.

"Waiter! Some wine for our guests!"

An elderly, harried-looking ogre dressed in an ill-fitting red jacket and matching cummerbund straining to contain his ample gut skittered into the room with a dusty bottle of wine. Removing the cork with a dramatic *pop*, he poured drinks for each of the three in turn. 

Shrek, ever suspicious, was the first to sample the reddish liquid. He lifted his drink, swished it around a time or two, then emptied the goblet in one colossal gulp. After a few seconds' wait with no obvious ill effects, he shrugged. Apparently, poison wasn't Odius' style.

Following Shrek's lead, Fiona took a sip from her own crystal glass. It wasn't the best she'd ever had, but she figured she could keep down a few more mouthfuls of the stuff in the name of courteousness.

As for Donkey, he wasn't about to get left out — even if wine wasn't exactly his beverage of choice. But as he leaned down to take a drink, he realized he was in for more work than he'd anticipated. The wine glass was far too narrow for him to fit his broad muzzle into, and his hooves weren't particularly made for lifting. After eyeballing the glass from every angle possible from his seat, he finally had to settle for lapping it up, a tongueful at a time, like a dog at its water bowl — much to Fiona's mortification, and Shrek's amusement.

Smacking his lips, the animal looked up at the ogres. "Wow, that wasn't too bud— Hey! Mah tunk's num!"

"Yeah, that's…that's _great_, Donkey," Shrek muttered, shaking his head. He looked over at Fiona, who rolled her eyes in shared exasperation.

"How do you like the wine?" Odius shouted from his seat. It was obvious this long-distance conversation would get old in a hurry, but it was Odius' right as king to sit at the head of the table — and Shrek wasn't about to move for anyone.

"Oh, it's jus' peachy! Very _nice_!" Shrek bellowed back, mimicking Fiona's earlier appraisal with a grin, half-hoping his sarcasm was obvious from where Odius sat. "Now, not t'sound ungrateful or anythin', but how 'bout tellin' me why ye went through all this trouble t'get me here?"

"It's simple, really — and not nearly as secretive as it may at first appear. As you know, I am now king— "

"No? _Really_?" Shrek sneered. "I hadn't noticed…"

"— and as king," Odius continued, not even deigning to acknowledge Shrek's scorn, "I have to look out for the best interests of my people — OUR people, Shrek."

"An'…?"

"And, frankly, we ogres have outgrown our little home here. We need to EXPAND — and Duloc is just the place for us to do so."

That drew an immediate and involuntary reaction from all three guests. Shrek and Fiona both dropped with a clatter the tarnished silverware with which they'd been picking at their dinners — a subtle response next to that of Donkey, who sputtered and spit a mouthful of wine all over the tablecloth, the food, and his friends.

With the ogres shocked into silence by the combination of Odius' bombshell and Donkey's shower, the excitable animal was the first to recover — if his panicked screeching could be called a recovery. 

"Shrek, what's he talkin' about, _Duloc_!?!" he shrieked, his eyes wide with fear and confusion. "He can't just go 'round takin' over places — can he? I mean, there's gotta be rules or…or somethin'! There's GOTTA be!"

"Shush, Donkey," Shrek grumbled, wiping his face with his hand and flicking away the offending droplets. "He's not goin' t— "

"You're not serious!?!" Fiona broke in, looking up from her wine-splattered dress to shout at Odius before turning to her husband. "He's not serious — IS he?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa — everybody jus' settle down," Shrek hushed his friends, trying to reclaim control of the situation. "Nobody's takin' over anythin' — ARE they, Odius?"

"Of course not — at least, not as long as there are…other…alternatives," the monarch answered smoothly, doing his best to play along with Shrek while ignoring the ogre's clearly threatening tone. "And that, Shrek, my boy — my friend — is where YOU come in."

"I'm listenin'…"

"Duloc is a kingdom of followers," Odius began his spiel, happy to be getting down to business. "I know it. You all know it. You've seen them, I'm sure, still mindlessly trudging along under Farquaad's rules…"

"OK, so they're not exactly a wild an' crazy bunch. I still don't s— "

"That's the point. They're not a 'wild an' crazy bunch,' as you so…colorfully…put it," Odius continued, his voice growing louder, more urgent. "They're dependable, predictable — creatures of habit, if you will. They do as they're told. Farquaad knew that, and he used it to his advantage. And THAT, friends, is why he was a hungry dragon away from greatness, while we ogres are still…still…wallowing around in the MUD!"

"Hey! what's wrong with m— "

That was the last straw. If this debate was going to end any time soon, Fiona decided, _someone _would had to take the reins. And that someone might as well be her.

"That's OK, honey," she cooed, patting Shrek's hand lovingly and subtlety cutting his comment short in the process. "I'll take it from here."

She waited for an argument from her husband, but he simply crossed his arms and slouched back in his seat without a word. Happy to see he was willing to do things her way (for once), she turned her attention to Odius.

"I apologize for my husband's outburst, _your majesty_," she called out across the table, doing her best to maintain her long-rehearsed but of late unnecessary "princess voice" despite the volume, and trying hard to remain civil amid the rising tempers. "It was uncalled for, especially toward so _esteemed _apersonage as yourself."

"Apology accepted, _your highness_," Odius answered with equal civility. "And I must say, it is…refreshing…to have so _refined _a guest as yourself."

"Thank you, _sir_, and again, I wouldst ask your forgiveness for so uncouth an interruption. I believe you were saying something about Lord Farquaad?"

"Ah, yes! Farquaad!" Odius picked up where he had left off. "As I was saying, princess, Lord Farquaad was surprisingly successful in his enviable pursuit of the perfect kingdom, and that success was thanks almost entirely to his much-maligned rules. In fact, had he not foolishly chosen to bend one of those rules to advance his own ends, he might still be ruling over a perfect Duloc!"

"And what rule, pray tell, was that?" Fiona asked, a little perplexed.

"Why, his infamous fairy-tale edict, of course!" Odius carried on enthusiastically. "He banished every fairy-tale creature he could lay his tiny hands on — every fairy-tale creature but SHREK, that is! Had he simply had Shrek arrested, or — heavens forbid — executed for interrupting his tournament instead of inexplicably crowning him champion, then one of Farquaad's knights would have been dispatched to rescue you in Shrek's stead. Perhaps that knight would have succeeded, more likely he'd have failed — but either way, it seems unlikely Farquaad would ever have crossed paths with your fire-breathing friend!"

'Uhm, _OK_…" Fiona stalled, still a little unsure of just where the conversation was going and struggling to maintain her composure. "So just to make sure I have this right — Farquaad was _almost _great because he made people follow rules?"

"Correct."

"And then he lost out on that greatness because he _broke _one of those rules?'

"Correct again."

"So the key to greatness would _be_…?"

"RULES, princess! LAW and ORDER!" Odius roared, plainly delighted to finally unveil his plan. "I intend to bring a little…decorum…to our people. After all, look what it's done for Duloc! Better yet, look what it's done for Slobberknob!"

"So Slobberknob WAS yer handiwork!" the sulking Shrek crowed as he straightened in his seat, glad to finally reenter the conversation and feeling more than a little proud of himself as well for having "uncovered" Odius' scheme. "I _thought _it seemed a little more neat an' tidy than I remembered…"

"Oh, indeed. And soon, so will the rest of ogredom — just as soon as we can settle into a more _civilized _home."

"Like Duloc…"

"Like Duloc. And THAT brings us back to you, Shrek. The people of Duloc know you, they're grateful to you for bringing Farquaad's so-called 'tyranny' to an end, and they obviously consider your wife an acceptable queen — at least in _human _form. It's perfect! Besides, you are one of the few ogres…worldly…enough to truly appreciate what I'm trying to give our people. I mean, let's be honest here, Shrek — most ogres would just as soon wipe themselves with a book as read it!"

This time it was Fiona's turn to smirk as Shrek cringed at Odius' "compliment," his ears turning reddish-green in embarrassment. Obviously, Odius didn't know her husband as well as he thought!

"Yeah, well, _OK — _ so I'm smarter than th'average ogre," Shrek mumbled self-consciously. "But do ye really think I can talk everyone in Duloc inta just lettin' a bunch o' ogres move in an' take over th'place?"

"Well, I had hoped you'd _try_," Odius sniffed, his initial enthusiasm quickly souring to annoyance in the face of Shrek's hesitance. "It's not as if there's nothing in it for you. I'm sure we could arrive at some sort of agreement — something _mutually _beneficial. Think of it, Shrek. You'd be surrounded by your own kind. No more peasant mobs, no more bounties on your head, no more being a freak. You would be in charge!

"Y'mean, YOU'd be in charge!" Shrek shot back, unimpressed.

"Well, yes, I WOULD still be king, but I could offer you— "

"No sale!" Shrek roared, pushing away from the table and scrambling to his feet. "Look, Duloc might not be perfect — OK, it's not even close t'perfect — but it's MY HOME!"

"And it still would be…" Odius tried to put Shrek's mind at ease, but the ogre wasn't having it.

"Maybe — but how 'bout everybody else, then, hmm? Somehow, I don't think they'd be real happy about bein' tossed offa their own land by Grunder an' whatever bunch o' bullies ye've got lined up t'do yer dirty work for ye!" 

"Shrek — you're being unreasonable…"

"Oh, yeah? If ye ask me, I'm bein' VERY reasonable. I've been through this li'l song-an'-dance with ye before, and m'answer's still th'same — _No thanks_. Soooo…nice seein' ye, don't forget t'write an' GOODBYE!"

With that, Shrek kicked the chair out of his way, the raucous clatter of wood on stone echoing through the hall. As he made a beeline for the door, still mumbling crossly to himself, he gestured for Fiona and Donkey to follow him

"C'mon — let's get outta here…"

Fiona, a little thrown off by Shrek's sudden temper tantrum, glanced at the toppled chair, then Odius, and finally back at her fuming husband.

"Are you sure about this, Shrek?"

"Yeah — I mean, can we stay for dessert, or at least get a…a doggie bag or somethin'?" Donkey chimed in. "'Cause I'd hate t'see all this food just go t'waste like th— "

"NOW!"

Donkey sat there, staring back at the glaring Shrek, until the ogre finally gave up and turned away with a huff. As soon as he was sure Shrek wasn't watching, Donkey gulped down one last mouthful, then leapt from his chair to join his friends.

"Sure thing," he mumbled through a mouth full of food, catching up with his two ogre friends as they reached the door. "Right behind ya…"

"'_Take over Duloc_,'" Shrek muttered as he reached for the door handle. "Whatta load o'— huh?"

He tugged at the handle, but the door refused to budge. A few more, harder pulls did nothing to change the situation. Huffing from exertion and growing frustration, Shrek peered through the door's barred peephole — and found Grunder's cold, jaundiced eyes glaring back at him.

"Going somewhere, Shrek?" he rumbled, smiling maliciously at Shrek's obvious discomfort.

"Yeah — OUT!" Shrek roared back. "Now open this door before I…I…uhhh…"

Shrek's angry rant turned to a groan as his knees gave way under his weight. He slumped against the door, his now-unhelmeted head scraping against the rough wooden surface.

"Hey, you OK there, Shrek?" Donkey asked worriedly, creeping closer and eyeing his friend in concern. "Ya lookin' a little…uh…_green_. Y'know, greener than usual…"

"Ohhh," Shrek moaned, his head spinning, his vision getting blurry. "I think maybe…I was wrong…'bout the wi— " 

But the ogre's realization came too late. He fainted dead away, his eyes rolling back in his head as he pitched forward. 

"SHREK!" Fiona screamed out, rushing over to break his fall, straining under her husband's considerable bulk as she did her best to lower him gently to the ground. "Shrek, what's wr— "

Fiona never got a chance to finish the question. No sooner had Shrek hit the floor than Grunder threw open the door, shoving the unconscious ogre aside and clearing the way for a horde of armored soldiers to swarm the banquet hall.

"You there, grab the donkey!" Grunder barked to his men, gesturing wildly. "You and you, get the girl! The rest of you — grab Shrek!"

A trio of guards stepped forward, ready to advance on Fiona and Donkey as the two hovered worriedly over the fallen Shrek. The three ogres managed only a few steps, though, before Fiona rose defiantly to her feet and turned to face them, her hands balled tightly into fists.

"You with me, Donkey?" she whispered to her friend as the ogres drew nearer.

"Y…yeah," Donkey answered uncertainly, poking his head out from behind Fiona long enough to catch a quick glimpse of their adversaries. "I'm…uh…right _behind _ya, Princess…"

"Good. Stay there. I'll try t— "

Any more advice from Fiona would have to wait, though, as the lead ogre began making his way toward the princess with a malicious grin on his gruesome face. He laughed as he reached for the sword at his side, closing in on Fiona until he was but a arm length's away— 

*WHAM!*

— and crumpled to the ground as the fist at the end of that arm connected squarely with his nose, knocking him silly. Fiona winced in pain as she drew her hand back. Her earlier encounter at the river not withstanding, punching really wasn't her style, but at this point she was willing to make an exception.

The other two guards stopped dead in their tracks, temporarily shocked into inaction by Fiona's unexpected show of force. They looked hesitantly at each other, neither willing to be the next target of the ogress' wrath. Finally, just as Fiona was beginning to wonder if they would EVER make their move, the two suddenly lunged in unison, hoping to overcome the princess through sheer numbers.

Fiona shrieked in surprise and alarm, throwing herself aside at the last second as the two ogres sailed past and slammed against the hard stone floor of the banquet hall with a crash. She cursed quietly to herself as her hip struck hard against the edge of the table, a sharp sting running down her leg.

Well, THAT's going to leave a mark she thought dejectedly to herself as she rubbed the sore spot. 

She glanced down to see one of the two guards scramble to his feet, kicking his companion in frustration before turning his ire on the princess. Fiona looked around frantically for both Donkey and something to defend herself with, but to no avail on either count. As the ogre closed in, her hand found the curve of one of the earthenware serving bowls from their abandoned dinner— 

*CRASH!*

She brought the bowl down hard over the ogre's head, splattering them both with whatever ogre "delicacy" it had contained. The blow knocked the helmet from the soldier's knotty head, stunning him just long enough for another devastating right cross. Fiona couldn't help but smile at the memory of Shrek's similar "mishap" at dinner a few nights earlier as the guard slumped to the floor, the bowl's slimy, squirming contents oozing down his face, but her smile quickly faded as another ogre rose up behind his incapacitated comrade. He looked at Fiona, then down at his unconscious friend, then fearfully back at the ogress. He gulped, his Adam's apple bobbing in the series of chins that passed for his throat, and made an unsteady, half-hearted grab at the princess. Warming up to the fight, Fiona sidestepped his attack easily, grabbing her half-empty wine glass in the same move. The ogre whirled around to face her — and caught a faceful of wine for his trouble. He sputtered angrily as he tried desperately to wipe his eyes, clearing his vision just in time to see Fiona's fist hurtling toward his face. 

The punch connected with a crack, leaving the guard out cold and Fiona gingerly holding her hand in obvious distress. This punching thing was harder than it looked! She much preferred the kung-fu moves she had shown off a time or two as a human, but her high-flying days had been grounded by her full-time transformation to ogress — although the added muscle it brought with it could come in handy.

"Ow!" she muttered to herself nonetheless, flinching as she flexed her fingers. "I think I broke a nail…"

"I think ya broke an ogre!"

"Donkey?!" she cried out in surprise and relief as the animal peeked up from his hiding place under the table. 'Where have you been?"

"Behind ya! Just like ya told me t'be!" he shouted back. "What? Did ya think I was lo— LOOK OUT!"

Fiona spun around just in time to see the largest of a growing crowd of reinforcements make a dive at her, hoping to catch her off-guard. She ducked to avoid the ogre, who went flying over her head and into the table beyond. Already in less-than-pristine condition and overburdened by a largely uneaten feast, the table collapsed under the guard's weight, leaving Donkey to scramble for a new hiding place.

Fiona, meanwhile, was left to face Grunder's men alone. As the ogres advanced, she began to back away from what was left of the table, slipping and sliding in puddles of spilled food as she looked for some avenue of escape. What she found, though, was Shrek's toppled chair, still lying where he had kicked it moments earlier. Desperate for a weapon — ANY weapon — she grabbed the chair, holding it out in front of her like a lion tamer and taking a few quick jabs at the nearest soldier.

"Back off! I'm warning you!" she barked, doing her best to sound intimidating. "Back off, or I'll — Hey! Your boot's untied!"

The lead ogre, apparently chosen for guard duty more for his brawn than his brain, glanced down in confusion at his leather-clad foot. 

"No, it's n— " he started to say, but the momentary lapse in concentration was all Fiona needed to bring the chair crashing down over his armored head, showering the rest of the guards with splinters as the chair disintegrated in her hands.

While Fiona did her best to hold off Grunder's grunts, Donkey did HIS best to find a way out the banquet hall. Unfortunately, all he found was himself trapped by a huge and particularly vicious-looking soldier. He cowered in the far corner of the room, eyes squeezed shut, quaking with fear as the towering ogre closed in.

"I don't wanna die. I don't wanna die. I DON'T wanna die!" Donkey babbled to himself in terror, teeth chattering, as the ogre's footsteps drew closer. "OK, OK…can't panic…can't panic…gotta think…"

Donkey was still thinking as the guard's massive shadow fell across him, a low chuckle deep in the ogre's throat as he leaned over to grab the panicked animal.

"Ooooh, I just know I'm gonna regret this!" Donkey mumbled as the guard's hands closed in. "I can't do this! I can't DO this! I— AAH!"

Donkey screamed out in both fear and anger as he kicked blindly in the general direction of the guard — and heard the ogre let loose with a strangled scream of his own. Donkey looked up to find the soldier laying on the ground, doubled over in pain and whimpering pathetically as tears ran down his reddening face. Donkey's kick may not have had much power behind it, but coming from a very short donkey against a very tall ogre, it was right on target to catch the guard in a VERY sensitive spot — with obvious results.

"Ooooh…that's gonna sting in the mornin'!" Donkey groaned, shaking his head sympathetically at the sight of the stricken ogre. "Didn't mean t'hit ya below th'belt there, but just remember, you guys started it! That's right! If ya'll hadn't been chasin' after me an' the princess — Princess?"

Donkey suddenly remembered Fiona and her own fight against the guards. He looked around frantically for his friend — and found her already in the firm grip of a couple of Grunder's men, finally overwhelmed by the endless stream of soldiers.

"PRINCESS!" he yelled, the expression on his long face a mixture of panic and rage at the sight of the subdued Fiona. "Don't worry, Princess, I'm comin'!"

He took off at a gallop across the room, his stumpy legs pumping as he closed in on Fiona's captors.

"Drop that princess!" he bellowed as he charged forward. " Ya heard me, ya big green bullies! Drop that princess or I'll…I'll…Hey! What's goin' on?"

He looked down to find the floor several feet below him, his legs still kicking wildly in the air. He turned to look behind him — and found Grunder's ghastly face grinning back. The ogre had snatched Donkey up in mid-charge, bringing the animal's courageous if foolhardy rescue attempt to a quick end.

"Put it downstairs," Grunder growled as he tossed the stunned Donkey to one of his lieutenants. "The same for the girl. Anything else, milord?"

"No, no — that's all, Grunder. Thank you," Odius answered as he left his seat and strolled calmly toward the fray, taking care to avoid both the spilled remnants of dinner and the prone forms of his fallen followers. Fiona and Donkey had put up a valiant fight against Grunder's men, but it obvious the ogres had the situation under control. 

He reached the door just as Grunder and his minions lifted the unconscious Shrek from the floor, ready to carry him off to the dungeon…or worse.

"Everyone checks the wine, but no one ever thinks to check the goblet FIRST — and it's amazing what a little alcohol will dissolve," Odius crowed to all present before singling out Fiona, her eyes brimming with tears of worry and anger. "Please, don't fret _too _much over your beloved husband, princess — he'll awaken with a nasty headache, I suspect, but nothing more. And in case you're wondering, I give you my word as fellow royalty, _your highness_, that Shrek is the ONLY one of my guests I've drugged — and I'd prefer it remain that way.

"And as for YOU, Shrek," he whispered, leaning down for a better look at the slumbering ogre's ashen face, "I know how you feel about the subject, but you _really _should have considered my offer just a _bit _longer." 

He patted the bald head solemnly, then straightened, turning to Grunder with a wicked smile. "But sacrifices DO have to be made, I suppose. Take him away, Grunder." 

"Yessir," Grunder grunted. "You all heard the king! Get him out of here!"

Odius watched as Grunder's men dragged Shrek away, ignoring Fiona and Donkey's continued struggles to break free until the ogre and his handlers were out of sight. Finally, he motioned to the guards for the two prisoners to join Shrek.

"And I had _such _high hopes for you, Shrek," Donkey heard the king sigh gloomily as the door slammed shut behind him. "Ah well…sleep well, sweet prince."


	12. 

**__**

Chapter 12

"Family Feud"

"Oooooowwww…oooh, mah _head_..." 

Shrek struggled to sit up, rubbing his head gingerly as he tried to clear away the cobwebs stubbornly clinging there. His recollection of just what had gone on the night before was foggy at best — but judging by the after-effects, it had involved WAY too much swamp brew.

Finally forced to accept that his headache wasn't going away anytime soon, the ogre climbed wearily to his feet, bracing his hands against the mattress — only to jerk them back at the unexpected sensation of something dry and prickly between his thick fingers.

Straw? he puzzled as he examined the few brittle bits of grass he'd inadvertently pulled away. But our bed's stuffed with moss — not STRAW! So why's my bed suddenly full o'— 

"Hey!"

Shrek flinched as the familiar, LOUD voice of Donkey bounced around in his already aching noggin. He wasn't quite sure what would cure his mystery ailment, but he was pretty certain early-morning hysterics from one hypersensitive beast of burden weren't part of the recommended treatment.

"Hey, you're awake! That's GREAT!" Donkey shouted excitedly, seemingly oblivious to Shrek's suffering. "Now we can figure how t'get out o' h— HURMPH!"

Shrek had heard enough. One huge, surprisingly quick green hand darted out, wrapping itself around Donkey's motor mouth. Without releasing his grip, Shrek leaned down to look his undersized friend in the eye.

"Donkey!" the ogre hissed. "Zip it, OK?"

Donkey nodded his mute agreement.

Shrek sighed and let go, flicking away a few stray strands of Donkey slobber.

"Isn't it a little early in the mornin' for panickin'?"

"Mornin'?" Donkey asked, giving Shrek a perplexed look with which the ogre had become all too familiar in the months since the animal had made himself at home in his sleepy little swamp. "How can y'tell it's MORNIN' from in HERE?"

"_In here_? Donkey, what're ye babblin' abo— oh."

For the first time since awakening, Shrek took a moment to survey his surroundings. Even taking into account the paltry lighting and his still-bleary eyes, it was all too apparent to the ogre that he was a long way from his swamp and his bed.

The "mattress" he'd been resting on, Shrek quickly noticed, was in fact nothing more than a heap of musty straw, one of several scattered about the room. But contrary to his initial impression, the straw was FAR from dry. In fact, it was, once he got past the first half-inch or so, damp and moldy and decomposing seemingly before his very eyes — which made sense, considering the condition of the rest of the room.

It should have been obvious, Shrek realized with one quick look around, that he and Donkey (and a couple of rather mangy-looking rats smart enough to keep their distance) were in a cell of some sort. Even without the cold, clammy stone floor that reminded Shrek of the caves that had brought him and his companions to Slobberknob, or the strange, sparkling blocks of water-streaked black rock that made up the room's claustrophobic walls, the heavy, reinforced wooden door a few feet away was a dead giveaway.

"…Odius…" Shrek growled, the events of the previous night coming back to him. "NOW I remember! The dinner, an'…an' the wine, an' talkin' about takin' over Duloc — DULOC! Donkey, we've got t'get out o' here!"

"That's what I wuz TRYIN' t'tell ya!" Donkey huffed, exasperated and a bit offended, twisting his long face into a scowl. 

"OK, OK — sorry," Shrek apologized. "I'm a little out o'sorts, as if ye couldn't tell."

"Well…OK," Donkey grudgingly accepted the apology. "I'll let ya slide — THIS time!"

"Thank ye," Shrek responded with a smirk he hoped the shadows would hide from Donkey. "Now, I'M gonna try an' find a way out o' here. YOU help Fiona t— "

"Fiona?"

"Yeah, ye know — ogress, 'bout this tall, red hair, blue eyes?" Shrek groused in annoyance at such a pointless question. "My wife? THAT Fiona!"

"I KNOW who she is, Shrek!" Donkey snapped, the ogre's bad mood starting to rub off. "What I wuz askin' is, WHERE is she?"

"What d'ye mean, where is she? Isn't she with you?"

Donkey shook his head, his anxious expression mirroring Shrek's own growing alarm. For the first time, the ogre noticed his wife wasn't beside him, or with Donkey — or anywhere in sight, for that matter. He had been so preoccupied with shutting up his talkative cellmate and finding a way out that it had never even crossed his mind to look around for her. He'd just ASSUMED she was keeping quiet — after all, it wasn't uncommon for he and Donkey to bicker for sometimes hours at a time before the long-suffering ogress could manage to get a word in edgewise.

"Donkey, where's Fiona?"

"_I_ don't know."

"Ye don't KNOW?!" the now-frantic Shrek shouted at his bewildered friend. "What d'ye mean, y'don't KNOW?"

"I _mean _I— Don't— Know!" Donkey shouted back, head bobbing with each word. "YOU passed out, then them guards came in an' grabbed ya, an' THEN they came after me an' the princess. An' the princess, she's all like, 'No way, man!' She starts throwin' food an' bustin' chairs over top o' people — an' me, I kicked this one guy right in the…the…well, y'know! Ya shoulda seen it, Shrek — it was GREAT!"

"Get t'the _point_, Donkey…"

"Oh, yeah…OK. So then, just when I'm gettin' ready to REALLY get medieval on 'em, they grab the princess, an' THEN that Grunder guy grabs me, an'…well, I gotta be honest with ya, Shrek — that's the last time I saw her. 

"_Perfect_…"

"Y'know, you're lucky I found you — they had me in this one cell, but they said I was annoyin' the other prisoners, so they stuck me in here with you instead!"

"Lucky me," Shrek grumbled as he made his way to the door. He knew Fiona hated it when he fussed over her — she could take care of herself just fine, as she so often reminded him.

Yeah, but she's never been locked up in a castle full o' ogres, now has she? Shrek reminded himself as he tested the door, finding it as solid as it looked. 'Specially deranged ogre kings lookin' to take over the world! _I_'d say the situation MERITS a l'il worryin'…

"Can ya believe that?" Donkey rambled on as Shrek worked. "ME — annoyin'! Don't know what they wuz talkin' about! I'll have you know that I am a sparklin' cov…conserv…convas…"

"Conversationalist?" Shrek offered without looking up.

"Yeah, that's it! Conserv…cons…I'm a good talker, y'know?"

"Believe me, I _know_…" 

"Guess you WOULD, huh?" Donkey agreed, completely missing the meaning of Shrek's sarcasm. "Oh, hey! I almost forgot, Shrek — I got a question for ya!" 

"Yeah?" Shrek responded absent-mindedly as he ran his hands along the edges of the doorframe, not even bothering to turn around.

"Yeah! Right before me an' Fiona got dragged off, I heard that Odius guy talkin' about ya, an' he called ya 'sweet prince'…"

"So?"

"_Soooo_…ARE ya?"

"Are I what?"

"A prince!"

"_What?!_"

"A PRINCE! Y'know, royalty! I mean, ya DO know the king…"

Shrek sighed and turned around to face his inquisitive friend. He had a sneaking suspicion of where this conversation was headed — and he intended to nip it in the bud, before things got out of hand.

"Donkey, ye've known me f'r what, a year now?"

"Yeah, somethin' like that…"  
"An' have I ever, even ONCE, struck ye as the 'royalty' type?"

"Well, no…not _exactly_…"

"Well, there ye go then!"

Shrek nodded, seemingly content with the answer, but Donkey wasn't quite so satisfied. 

"That's not much of an answer," he pressed Shrek, fixing his skeptical stare squarely on the ogre, convinced he had stumbled onto something here.

"How 'bout this, then?" Shrek shot back, placing his left hand squarely over his heart (at least, Donkey — no expert on ogre anatomy — ASSUMED that's where his heart was) and raising his right, palm open, toward Donkey. "I, Shrek, am not, nor have I ever been, a prince. Satisfied?"

"I _guess _so…"

"Great, now— "

"Y'know, it's too bad, really…"

Shrek sighed again, his shoulders slumping in defeat. Obviously, Donkey wasn't going to let the subject drop without a fight.

"WHAT's too bad, Donkey?"

"You not bein' a prince, what with Fiona bein' a princess an' all…"

"What's that got t'do with anything?"

"Nothin', really," Donkey conceded. "I'm just sayin' it'd be…_nice — _ y'know, a 'fairy-tale ending!'"

"Let me tell YOU somethin' about fairy tales," Shrek growled, his voice taking on a grim, bitter tone Donkey hadn't heard in a long time — since Shrek and Fiona had gotten hitched, at the very least. "Everybody thinks they're all nice an' sweet an' ever'body lives _happily ever after, THE END_. But let me ask ye somethin' — ye ever read a fairy tale with a happy endin' for the monster? Oh sure, yer princes an' princesses an' what have ye get t'live happily ever after, sure enough, but how 'bout the ogre, hmmm? Or the DRAGON, f'r that matter? How 'bout them?"

"I…uh…I guess I never really looked at it like THAT before…" Donkey stammered, taken aback by the venom in Shrek's tone.

"Well, maybe ye should…"

"Yeah, maybe…" Donkey stalled, trying desperately to come up with some sort of response. "B-but you're different, man! I mean, ya DID save a princess! An' ya ARE livin' happily ever after — well, least y'were before the whole 'gettin' locked in a dungeon by a crazy ogre that wants t'take over Duloc' thing, anyway. So why CAN'T ya be a prince?"

"Donkey, f'r the last time — I am NOT a PRINCE!"

"OK, OK! Sorry! I didn't know it was a sore spot…"

"It is NOT a sore spot!" Shrek roared at the now cowering Donkey, his concern for Fiona's safety venting itself, and rather violently, at his friend's expense. Shrek was being too hard on Donkey, and he knew it, but it was too late to fix things now — and besides, Shrek reasoned with himself, a few hurt feelings were a small price to pay for keeping Donkey quiet. "Now get over here an' help me with this door, so maybe I can get us ouAAAAH!"

Shrek had turned back to the door to find a pair of watery, red-rimmed eyes glaring back at him.

"Step away from the door!" a muffled but clearly unfriendly voice grunted from the other side. Shocked speechless, Shrek took a few uncertain steps back as the previously overlooked spyhole slammed shut again with a dull thud.

"Well, I see ye've met Brutus…"

Shrek snapped out of his short daze, not so much because of the comment as the realization that it HADN'T come from Donkey! 

"Who?" Shrek called out, squinting into the darkness that enveloped the far side of the room for a better look at his mysterious and until now unnoticed cellmate. There was something about the voice, something in the inflection, something…_familiar_…

"I think he's talkin' 'bout the guard…" Donkey whispered, trying to be helpful.

"Not Brutus, Donkey!" the ogre hissed in annoyance, nodding in the direction from which the voice had come. "HIM!"

"Oh, HIM!" Donkey yelped in sudden comprehension of Shrek's question. He chuckled self-consciously. "Whoops — guess I kinda forgot t'introduce you two! Sorry 'bout that, Ce— ."

"It's OK, Donkey — I'm used t'bein' forgotten about," the voice interrupted, its tone friendly enough if a little annoyed. "Just ask Shrek."

Shrek's brown eyes grew wide at the voice's mention of his name.

"Cerul?" 

Donkey looked up at his friend in concern. "Ya know this guy, Shrek?" he asked, trying to read the storm of emotions raging across the ogre's suddenly ashen face. 

"Well, I should hope so!" Shrek finally answered, cracking an awkward grin and taking a couple steps toward the shadows. "After all, he IS m'baby brother!"

"BROTHER!" Donkey shrieked, loudly enough to draw a couple raps on the door from the guard. 

"Ya never told me y'had a brother!" Donkey continued in an angry whisper. "Man, first the king, now a brother — I gotta tell ya, Shrek, for a guy who said he didn't wanna say hi t'anybody, you sure got a lot o' friends here!"

"Look — f'r the last time, Odius is NOT m'friend! Shrek tried once again to defend himself in regards to the king. "An' as for Cerul here, I…I…it's hard t'explain."

"What's t'explain?" the voice spoke up again as the bulky form of another ogre, draped in a long, indigo cloak decorated here and there with tiny gold stars and moons and other shapes Donkey had never seen before, emerged from the shadows.

This guy is Shrek's BROTHER? Donkey thought to himself incredulously as he got his first good look at the stranger. Must be adopted or somethin'…

The ogre was shorter — maybe an inch or two taller than Fiona, Donkey figured — and thinner than Shrek, with shaggy pumpkin-orange hair that hung into his eyes from beneath a battered, peaked blue hat and faded into a scruffy would-be beard. But it wasn't the hair, or the clothes, or even the shock of finding out his best friend had a brother he'd conveniently forgotten to tell anybody about that left Donkey staring, slack-jawed, as cell's original occupant stomped past in the direction of the equally stunned Shrek. It was the fact that even in the meager light of the cell, it was impossible not to notice that this Cerul character was blue — not bluish-green, or greenish-blue, but BLUE, the bright blue of a Duloc summer sky .

"…Ye took off in the middle o' the night without a word an' never bothered t'so much as check in on me!" Cerul continued, too put out with Shrek to even notice Donkey's flabbergasted gawking. "Seems pretty cut an' dried t'me!"

"Look, th-that's not EXACTLY how it happened, OK, Cer?" Shrek argued weakly, obviously a little thrown off by his estranged sibling's sudden reappearance. "Besides, things were…different…then."

"Oh, I'll say!" Cerul sneered. "I wasn't wastin' away in a dungeon cell THEN, now was I?!!"

"No, but ye were headed that way!" Shrek shot back, reaching up to thump his brother's beat-up cap, nearly knocking it from the ogre's head. "Nice hat, by the way…"

"What, now ye're makin' fun o' my hat?"

"Oh, no," Shrek drawled sarcastically. "It's a very _nice _hat — goes very _nice_ly with yer DRESS!"

"I told ye before," Cerulgrowled as he readjusted his toppled headwear, "it's a ROBE!"

"Hey! Like the wolf!"

The brothers' argument screeched to a halt as both ogres looked down in bewilderment at the forgotten Donkey, who was grinning broadly at the chance to get back in the conversation with a bit of brilliant insight.

"Wha…?"

"The WOLF!" Donkey said again more slowly, as if that would help jog Shrek's memory. "Y'know — hairy guy, deep voice? Big eyes? Big ears? Big teeth? That guy?"

Shrek just stared blankly in incomprehension.

"Got a thing for ol' ladies an' pigs?"

Shrek nodded as he finally caught on. "Oh, yeah — HIM…"

"Was HE wearin' a robe?"

Shrek chuckled at the question despite the gravity of the situation.

"No, THAT was a dress," Shrek laughed, gesturing at his brother's gaudy, star-spangled outfit, "and so is THIS!"

"It's a ROBE!" Cerul vainly protested in indignation. "A wizard's ROBE!"

"Wizard?" 

Donkey's ears perked up at the word, his spirits brightening just a little. "Like, abracadabra, pull-a-rabbit-outta-your-hat, magical-type-wizard wizard?"

"Well, it's really _magicians _that do the whole rabbit thing…" Cerul started to explain, but he quickly realized he was wasting his time. "Yeah — that kind o' wizard."

"Ya hear that, Shrek! That's PERFECT!" Donkey crowed, all but jumping up and down with excitement. "He can just 'magic' us right on outta here! Then we can go rescue the princess, an' save Duloc, an— 

"NO WAY!" Shrek roared, the sheer force of his voice knocking Donkey to the ground and drawing another angry pounding at the door from Brutus.

"Huh? What d'ya mean, 'no way?'" Donkey asked as he struggled to regain his footing (or hoofing, as the case were) on the wet floor, more confused than ever.

"I mean, no way! I've seen his magic before! In fact," Shrek continued as he ran one hand over his bald head, "if it weren't for one o' his little 'magic tricks,' I'd still have m'hair!"

"I can't believe ye're still steamed about that!" Cerul groaned, shaking his head in incredulity, inadvertently upsetting his hat again. "That was YEARS ago…"

"Yeah, _once upon a time_, when I had HAIR!" Shrek groused angrily. "Probably lucky t'still have m'eyebrows! An' look at you! Whoever heard of a BLUE ogre?"

"I'll have ye know a lot o' people say blue's my color!" Cerul countered as he straightened his hat. "Besides, if YOU hadn't distracted me— "

"ME? Distracted YOU?!! I oughtta— 

Shrek started to advance, hands outstretched menacingly, as his brother settled into an clumsy-looking boxing stance. But the ogre hadn't managed more than a couple steps before he found his progress impeded by a certain four-legged peacemaker, the animal's head braced against Shrek's sizeable gut in a last-ditch effort to slow the ogre.

It worked, in as much as Shrek stopped to glower at his diminutive friend — only to find an equally stubborn-looking Donkey glaring back at him.

"Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa, Shrek!" Donkey hissed as he struggled to put some distance between the brothers. "Ya gotta focus here, man!"

"Oh, I'm focused, all right! Focused on— "

"Rescuin' Fiona? Savin' Duloc? Or did ya just forget 'bout that stuff?"

"I…I…I'm sorry. Got a little carried away there," Shrek mumbled, a little embarrassed by his temper tantrum and Donkey's stinging criticism — though not too embarrassed to shoot one last dirty look in Cerul's direction. "Ye were sayin', Donkey?"

"I was SAYIN', before I was so RUDELY interrupted, that your brother here can whip us up a magic spell t'get out o' here, or at least conjure a key or…or…something! Right, Cerul?"

Donkey looked up at Cerul hopefully, awaiting confirmation of his foolproof plan with a toothy grin — a grin that disappeared with a shake of the ogre's hairy head.

"Wrong."

"Wrong? What d'ya mean, wrong?" Donkey whined, growing more confused and frustrated by the second. First, Shrek tells him he doesn't know anybody in town, only to find out he knows the king AND a brother he never mentioned — and NOW, that same brother turns out to be magical, except that he won't actually DO any magic! "I thought you said you wuz a magician!"

"I'm a _wizard_," Cerul corrected Donkey again, for all the good it did. "But it doesn't matter. First thing they did when they threw me in here was take m'wand."

"An' that's bad, huh?"

"Only if ye want t'do magic!" Cerul answered tersely. "Ye ever notice how wizards an' witches an' all those other magic types always carry around a wand or a broomstick or crystal ball or the like?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, that's t'focus the magic! Ye have t'understand — magic's a funny sort o' thing. If ye have somethin' like a wand to direct it, sometimes — _sometimes_, mind ye — ye can make it do what ye want it to."

"An'…uh…an' if ya _don't_?" Donkey asked, the anxious expression on his face making it all too clear he didn't expect to like the answer much.

"If ye _don't_," the wizardcontinued, waving his arms about wildly, "it just sort o' goes willy-nilly all o'er the place, with no rhyme or reason — an' trust me, ye don't want THAT happenin'!"

Donkey nodded, awestruck. But Shrek was a little harder to impress.

"I can't believe we're even discussin' this…" the ogre muttered to himself in disgust, turning his back on his fellow prisoners and his attention once again to the door. 

"OK, so ya need a wand," Shrek could hear Donkey say over the clatter of hooves on the bare stone floor as the animal paced back and forth, trying to devise an escape plan of his own. "We can handle that, right? I mean, it's just a _stick_…"

"It's not 'just a stick'— it's a finely honed instrument!" Cerul scolded. "But even if we COULD get one, I still couldn't help ye out."

"Huh? Why's that?"

"Ye see those little shiny bits in the wall?" the wizard asked, pointing to the tiny pinpoints of lights shimmering from the otherwise dreary walls.

"Uh huh."

"That's mundanium."

"Mud…mand…maWHATium?"

"_Mun-da-nee-um_," Cerul said again, stressing each syllable. "It's like…anti-magic. The longer stuff's around it, the less magical it becomes. An' considerin' how long I've been rottin' away down here, I doubt I could do any magic even if I had m'wand!"

"Anti-magic?" Donkey sniffed. "All right, now yer just talkin' crazy, man!"

"Don't ye think I woulda 'magicked' m'way out o' here by now if I could?"

"Yeah, well…well, how come I never heard o' this mu…mu…WHATEVER the stuff before?" Donkey asked, still not quite sold on the idea. "Besides, if this stuff's so 'anti-magic,' then how come I'm still talkin', huh? Huh? HuueeHaw!"

The next sound Donkey uttered was hard to describe — part scream, part whimper, part whinny. But whatever it was, it startled everyone within earshot — especially Donkey, his mouth snapping shut before anything else unexpected could escape.

"See? What'd I tell ye?"

Donkey just stared back pitifully at Cerul. Before he could figure out a way to answer the wizard, the sound of laughter from across the room grabbed both their attention. They looked over to find Shrek leaning against the still-locked door, arms crossed, a smirk on his green face.

"Wow! Now THAT's magic!" Shrek chuckled with a nod in the direction of his silenced companion. "I've been tryin' t'shut him up for months!"

Donkey glared at Shrek, hoping his face would convey at least a couple of the choice words he was thinking at the moment.

"All right, all right — sorry, Donkey," Shrek finally apologized, still trying to hide his amusement as he raised his palms in surrender. "I'm sure m'brother here can have ye yakkin' yer head off again just as soon as we're all out o' here. Speakin' o' which," he continued, pointing to Cerul, "I think it's high time for YOU t'perform a little disappearin' act!"

"Oh, brilliant!" Cerul sneered with a roll of his azure eyes. "Weren't ye listenin' to a word o' my little show-an'-tell here? I— can't— do— MAGIC!"

Shrek smiled knowingly.

"We'll see about that…"


	13. 

**__**

Chapter 13

"Finding Fiona"

__

"I'm gettin' too old fer this…"

Brutus, royal jailer - actually, one of several royal jailers - to King Odius, was NOT a happy ogre as he trudged up and down the drafty, dark hallways beneath the palace, his disgruntled grumbling all but inaudible beneath the jingling of his overburdened keyring and the constant drip-drip of water trickling along the tunnel walls.

Face it, old-timer - you're just plain gettin' OLD he corrected himself. Which was true. He WAS getting old - too old to be watching over a dungeon's worth of prisoners (even well-behaved ones locked safely away), and FAR too old to be doing such a job at THIS time of night.

It was his own fault, Brutus tried to remind himself when he got in this sort of funk - which was depressingly often. In the days before the monarchy (It still struck him as funny each time he said or heard it, even as an employee of same monarchy), he'd been a soldier, one of Grunder's men-at-arms. Soldiering was good work for an ogre - spending your days in the mud and grime, flexing your muscles on a regular basis - and he'd enjoyed it.

But then came _Odius_.

Actually, first came that OTHER guy (For the couple days HE lasted Brutus thought to himself with a sneer), THEN came Odius. _He _changed all the old rules - and made up new ones as he went along. No more brawling, no more raiding, no more pillaging or senseless violence - _Odius _wanted chains of command and rules of engagement. _Odius _wanted his army (and they were _his _army, as he so often reminded them) to be civilized.

"CIVILIZED!" the old guard growled, long since resigned to talking to himself during his solitary nightly patrols. "Us ogres? Not a chance…"

That had been too much for Brutus. He'd intended to quit the army altogether - but he never got the chance. In his pursuit of a more…uniform…military, Odius had decided to give a break of sorts to the graybeards of Grunder's troops.

"_Troops_," Brutus spit out the word with a grimace, then laughed a hoarse, phlegmmy laugh. "In MY day we were called HORDES - or WORSE!"

He and his fellow old-timers had been reassigned, given cushier posts closer to home (and far from the action), where they would be free to perform their duties largely free of overseers or other official meddlers…or so Odius had promised.

And he had kept that promise - after a fashion. Brutus had been assigned a post just outside Slobberknob - as a jailer in the labyrinth of cells beneath the king's newly "delivered" castle. As for taking orders, he'd never received anything more official than a grunt to stick a prisoner in this cell or that from some equally disinterested palace guard.

It was easy work - escape attempts were few and far between - and the pay was adequate. Plus, he had to admit, it kept him safely away from home, from his wife and her endless "to do" lists - go to the market, feed the gator, bring in the trash. She could be a tough taskmaster, as tough as any "commanding officer" Brutus had ever served under, and he was thankful for the time to himself.

Eventually, though, all that time to himself got a little tiresome. And uneventful night after uneventful night could, and did, quickly grow monotonous.

Not exactly the dream job we was promised he thought bitterly to himself as he turned down a long, narrow corridor. And that's not even countin' "Wizard's Row"…

Brutus shuddered, his fist tightening around the rough wooden baton that was his only means of self-defense outside his rusty battlefield training.

Not that anything one might learn on a battlefield could help in _here_…

"Wizards' Row" was the unofficial but universally accepted name for the dungeon's deepest and most foreboding cell block. Its real designation had been scratched out not long after the dungeons had gone into use, the new name carved into the rock above its entrance. Down that dark hallway had marched the most terrible, the most dangerous, the most feared of the kingdom's prisoners - the _magic users_…

Brutus shuddered again at the thought of it. _Magic_. Almost without exception, ogres hated it, despised it, and…well, feared it. Ogres were big, and strong, and mean - and the bigger, stronger, meaner guy was _supposed _to win. Everybody knew THAT. But _magic_…magic had a way of turning things all upside-down, especially in a fight. It just wasn't natural - it wasn't _right_.

Ain't right at all Brutus nodded as he continued his inspection. Some little guy mutterin' a couple nonsense words and wavin' around some little stick or such and *POOF!* you're a toad, or a newt, or a _human_…

That's why Odius had Wizards' Row created. Most prisoners could just be bullied into following the rules, but magical types…magical types had to be put away for good. And you couldn't just kill them - what if you got it wrong, and they came _back_? The only thing worse than a wizard was AN angry wizard…or witch…or fairy-tale _whatever_.

Which is why they're ALL locked up down here - with ME Brutus sighed, wiping the sweat from his deeply lined forehead. I'm gettin' too old for- 

"Hey! HEY! Where'd he go?"

He was also getting too old for THIS.

The shouting was coming from cell 7 - from the big, bald new guy, Brutus guessed by the accent. He'd come down here the day before with a girl and some sort of crazy little talking horse. Brutus had already been forced to move the animal once - if he had to move these newcomers around again, he was NOT going to be happy!

"What's all the commotion?" Brutus bellowed as he banged on cell 7's door with his nightstick. He opened the peephole - and scowled as he found the new prisoner already staring back, panic in his eyes.

"Boy, am I glad YE're here!" Shrek shouted, pointing excitedly at the empty floor in the middle of the cell. "He's gone! That crazy magician's GONE!"

Brutus felt sick. Gone? How could he be gone?

"What d'ya mean, 'gone'?!" he barked. "Gone where?"

"How should _I_ know?" the prisoner shrieked, arms waving wildly. "He just sorta stood up, muttered a couple o' them fancy words o' his and *POOF* he was gone! Outta here! Bye bye, see ye later!"

"Awright, stand aside," Brutus grunted, fumbling with the key. Something fishy was going on. If this guy could have just up and left whenever he wanted, why had been sitting on Wizards' Row all these years? Besides, the guy on the next shift had told him that Odius had some kind of special rock carted in that was supposed to keep stuff like this from happening!

Unlocking the door, Brutus warily stepped inside.

"Up against the wall!" he shouted, motioning for Shrek and Donkey to back up as he relocked the door. He began to search the room. If the magician WAS there, he couldn't see him. Which meant he was either really gone - along with Brutus' job - or hiding behind something.

Or UNDER something…

Grinning, Brutus approached a heap of straw in the far corner. It was hard to see through the spy hole, but inside the cell it was obvious that every last bit of straw in the room had been piled in one corner, forming a haystack several feet tall - easily big enough to conceal a certain "disappearing" magician.

As Shrek and Donkey stared on in apprehension, the guard prodded the straw, with no effect. Scowling, he poked it again, harder. Again, nothing.

Tired of this game of hide-and-seek, Brutus gave the haystack a healthy kick. As expected, an angry-looking Cerul popped out, spitting straw and expletives and clutching his side. The element of surprise already wasted, the wizard nevertheless made a play for the guard's keys. Brutus easily sidestepped the lunge and grabbed his nightstick. Rearing back, he got ready to put the still-wincing Cerul down for the count - and nearly wrenched his shoulder out of socket as he swung, his _arm _moving, but not the _nightstick_.

The startled jailer glanced over to see Shrek's green hand wrapped around the other end of the baton. Before the guard could react, Shrek's other hand was clamped tightly over his mouth.

"Cer! Tie him up!" Shrek barked at his brother, who was still struggling to catch his breath.

"With _what_?" Cerul wheezed. "It's not exactly 'Cerul's Rope Emporium' in here, now is it?"

"How 'bout yer robes?"

"My ROBES! I don't THINK so! I'll have ye know these are- "

"I DON'T CARE!" Shrek shouted. "Ye got somethin' on under 'em, right?"

"Well, yeah," Cerul conceded. "But that doesn't- "

"Then make with the TYIN'!"

Muttering under his breath, Cerul pulled off the robes, revealing a ragged tunic and some patched, badly worn leggings sporting the same star pattern as his robes and hat.

"Nice pants," Shrek sneered as Cerul tore the robes into strips.

"Ha, ha," Cerul huffed as he wound the strips around Brutus' wrists and ankles. "Funny, I don't see YOU usin' YER clothes t'tie up the guard…"

"That's 'cause I'm not wearin' a DRESS!" Shrek laughed as he unclasped the keyring from the immobilized guard's belt. "Is he all tied up?"

"Yeah, he's tied up," Cerul grumbled, tightening the gag and rechecking his knots. "Now what?"

"Stuff him in there, I guess," Shrek shrugged, thumbing toward the straw. "Next guy'll find him - _maybe_…"

Cerul grunted as he hoisted the heavy prisoner onto his shoulder, unused to lifting much after his years of confinement. He dropped Brutus into the hole he had cleared for himself in the wet straw, then piled the leftover on top of the wriggling guard as Shrek went to work unlocking the cell.

"Done yet?" Shrek called out a second later as he swung the cell door open.

Cerul gave Shrek a thumbs up as he climbed to his feet. Grinning, he gave a self-satisfied nod to his handiwork, strolled past Shrek and out the door, snatching the baton from the ogre's hand as he passed. Donkey filed out behind the wizard, clearing his throat as he waited impatiently for his mouth to ctach up with the rest of him. Finally, Shrek locked the door behind them, pocketing the keys and taking one last look inside to make sure the guard was still tied up.

From beneath the hay, Brutus glared back at the brown eye staring at him through the spyhole. He cursed quietly (if only because of the gag) to himself as the peephole door slid shut, then sighed as he prepared himself for a long night.

I'm gettin' too old for this…

---------------

"Now, If _I_ were a power-crazy ogre king, where would _I_ lock up a princess?" Shrek mused half-jokingly to himself as he looked around, trying to get his bearings. "What d'ye think, Cerul?" he called out to his brother, who sat a few feet away, studying the guard's nightstick intently.

"Huh? What?" the wizard sputtered, looking up from his studies at the mention of his name.

Shrek groaned in annoyance. "F'r the love o' Pete, Cerul! Would ye put that thing down an' help me come up with a plan?"

"Ye never know - it MIGHT come in handy," Cerul answered defiantly, slipping the baton under his belt. "Especially in Wizards' Row! What d'ye want, anyway?"

"I WANT t'find m'WIFE, if that's OK with YOU!" Shrek snapped. He was tired, and exasperated, and more than a little worried about Fiona - and Cerul's usual scatterbrained ways weren't helping matters much.

Neither was Donkey. His voice was starting to come back (A whole 'nother problem altogether Shrek thought to himself with a forced chuckle), but he was too preoccupied with making sure it was ALL the way back to be of much help, either. Which meant that - as usual - it was up to Shrek to produce the daring rescue.

"Come on - we're not gonna find her sittin' 'round here," Shrek grumbled, pointing toward the single entrance to - and exit from - Wizards' Row. "Don't suppose this dungeon has a 'tallest tower,' eh?"

"Not exactly, no," Cerul smirked. "What with it bein' underground an' all…"

"Well, then - I guess we just search th'whole place!" Shrek shrugged. "First thing we gotta do is- "

"But, Shrek - what about checkin' in heEHAW!"

Shrek winced at the noise. "Shhhhhhhh!" he hissed at Donkey. "What if somebody's list- "

"B-but- "

"But _what_?"

"What it the princess is in h- " Donkey caught himself just in time "What if she's in Wizards' Row?" "Is she a wizard?" Shrek asked annoyedly.

"Uh…no?"

"No. So why would she be in _Wizards_'Row?"

"You ain't a wizard, an' YOU're in here…"

"They just put me down here with Cerul…"

"An' me?"

"Ye said it yerself - ye got stuck down here 'cause ye were annoyin' everyone else. Now let's go!"

Donkey shook his head in defiance and took a seat in front of cell 7.

"Arrrrrgh!" Shrek groaned. "Y'know what? Fine! Stay here! I don't care!"

"All I'm sayin' is _maybe _we oughtta check the other- " Donkey started to argue, but Shrek was already stomping down the hall toward the main corridor, Cerul on his heels. 

"Probably better off leavin' him here anyway," Donkey could hear Shrek grumble as the two ogres rounded the corner and disappeared from sight. "Knowin' him, he'd shoot off that big mouth o' his 'round some guard, an' the next thing ye know we'd be back in that cell…"

Stupid ogre - thinks he's so smart just 'cause he got two legs Donkey thought irately to himself as he set to work searching Wizard's Row. I'll show him! Donkey - search an' rescue! That's me…uh huh…got THAT right! Have no fear, Donkey is ON the case!

Donkey opened his mouth and took a deep breath, ready to call out for the missing princess, then snapped it shut just as quickly as he remembered Shrek's "warning."

He's probably right 'bout those guards, though Donkey had to admit. OK, then - we gotta do this _quietly_…I can do quiet…no problem…

---------------

Fiona's tapered ears perked up at the sound of muffled voices from out in the corridor. _Something _was going on - an escape attempt?

Maybe it's Shrek! she thought hopefully to herself. She waited for a knock at her door, for her husband's voice calling her name, for _anything_.

But nothing came, and a moment later the footsteps and voices in the hallway faded away.

She slumped to the floor of her cell, shivering. She'd lost track of how long she'd been locked up - there was no window to keep track of days (had it been days?), and no way to keep track of hours except by the rotation of the guards.

Worst of all, with no windows and the nearest torches several yards on the other side of her well-secured door, the cell was pitch black - except for its strange stonework walls, which sparkled with an eerie light all their own.

Fiona wiped away a tear as she did her best to get comfortable on the wet cell floor. She refused to panic, but it wasn't easy staying calm. She felt cold…and sick…and weak.

What I FEEL is helpless she thought dejectedly to herself as she struggled to maintain her composure, doing her best to come up with some sort of escape plan and hoping that somewhere, her husband was doing the same, and having better luck. I HATE this! I can't GO anywhere, I can't DO anything - it's like being back in the tower again! No, it's WORSE than the tower! At least THERE I had a window!

Unable to take it anymore, Fiona lashed out with a vicious kick at the door. It didn't budge, and the princess had to bite back a few choice words as pain shot through her foot. 

Well, THAT was mature, Fiona she chastised herself as she limped back to her resting spot on the floor. She sat down and began to rub her foot.

Something wasn't right…

Her fingers traced the contours of her foot, confirming what she already suspected. Trying to fight back her growing alarm, she stumbled to the nearest wall. She held up a trembling hand to the vaguely luminescent black rock.

And she started to cry…

---------------

"Princess?" Donkey hissed as nudged aside a cell's spyhole with his nose. He peered inside. Nothing.

Shaking his head, he dropped back down to all fours and ran to the next cell.

"Princess? Princess Fiona?" he whispered. Again, nothing.

He was making his way down Wizards' Row, checking each cell for his missing friend, determined to prove Shrek wrong. So far, though, he wasn't having much luck.

"Princess?" he called out as he galloped from cell to cell. "Princess?…No princess…Princess?…Not the princess…Princess?…Arrrrrgh! DEFINITELY not the princess!!"

It was no use. He leaned against the final door, a thoroughly discouraged Donkey. If Fiona wasn't in HERE, she wasn't ANYWHERE on Wizards' Row - and Shrek had been right all along.

Steeling himself for disappointment, Donkey reared up on his hind legs to slide open the spy hole. Taking a peek inside, he could just make out a figure in the middle of the room, a long, red braid falling down the back of her baggy but unmistakable burlap dress.

"Princess?" he whispered. The prisoner didn't answer, or turn around, or show any sign she'd even heard Donkey. 

"Princess Fiona?" he asked again, louder - again, to no response.

But that's GOTTA be the princess! Donkey thought to himself as he looked around vainly for some way to open the door. I mean, there's the hair, an'…an' the dress, an'…an', it's GOTTA be her!

Something was wrong. Donkey was sure of that much. And if he'd learned anything in the past few months, it was this: When in doubt, ask- 

---------------

"SHREK!"

Shrek, conducting his own search with Cerul a few tunnels down, cringed at the sound of his name echoing through the corridors. He turned to find a wild-eyed Donkey barreling down the hallway, setting himself just in time to catch the panicky animal in mid-gallop.

"Whoa! Donkey!" the ogre grunted as he swept Donkey off his feet. "I thought I told ye t'stay put!"

"I know, I know, Shrek, but- "

"But WHAT?!"

"I found the princess! I found heEEHAW!"

Shrek instinctively threw his hands over his ears at the screech, inadvertently dropping Donkey in the process.

"Sorry 'bout that," Donkey apologized as he climbed to his four feet. "Still working on my 'H's. Y'know, there really ain't a good tongue-twister for 'H.' I mean, with 'R' ya got 'rubber baby buggy bumper,' an' 'S's got 'She shells…see shells…she sells shee- "

"DONKEY!" Shrek roared. "WHERE IS FIONA?"

"Oh, right - the princess! She's back on Wizards' Row - just like SOMEBODY said she prob'ly was…"

"All right, all right - we'll figure out who was right an' who was wrong lat- "

"What's t'figger? I wuz right, and YOU wuz wrong. Maybe y'oughtta listen t'me once in a while, huh? What d'ya think o' THAT?"

Shrek wasn't about to get entangled in another pointless argument with Donkey - not one he really had no hope of winning, and especially not with Fiona just a few hundred yards away. His only answer was a roll of his eyes before spinning on his heels and charging back up the hall Donkey had just traversed, gesturing for his two companions to follow.

"Treat me like I'm some sorta four-legged idiot - everybody KNOWS donkeys're about the smartest animals there is!" Donkey continued to argue, too wrapped up in his own indignant defense to notice his friends' hurried exit. "Well, y'know, except for dogs…an' parrots…an' monkeys…an' pigs…an' maybe them really SMART horses - the ones that can do math an' stuff by stompin' their feet? THAT's pretty smart - 'cause math's tough, y'know? Ever seen one o' those guys, Shrek? Shrek? Yo, Shrek…Shrek!"

---------------

"Fiona!"

Shrek pounded against the thick wooden door of Fiona's cell with all his ogre might, rattling the walls and shouting her name again and again until his voice grew thin and hoarse- 

"FIONA!!!"

- but to no avail. He could just make out her silhouette through the door's tiny window, but for all his efforts, she showed no reaction - not a sound, not a twitch. 

Donkey, watching Shrek's struggles with concern, sensed a lull in the action. "Maybe she's mad at ya!" he offered helpfully.

"She's NOT mad at m- " Shrek started to answer, hesitated, then turned back to the door. "Ye're NOT mad at me, ARE ye, honey?" he called out into the darkness. "See, I told ye she wasn't mad," he answered smugly when no response was forthcoming.

"Oh, _sure_," Donkey nodded, "unless she's givin' ya the 'silent treatment'…"

"Silent treatment?" Shrek echoed incredulously. "An' what would ye know 'bout any 'silent treatment.' That fire-breathin' flame o' yours doesn't e'en talk!"

"SO?" Donkey sniffed. "I'll have ya know Dragon makes all sorts o' noise! She roars, an'…an' she _growls_, an'…Oh! An' she makes that cute li'l purring noise in the the back o' her throat when she sleeps - it's like…like…'prrrr' - nah, more like, like 'purrrrrrrURK!"

Donkey began to cough violently as his attempts at mimicking Dragon caught in his throat.

"Well, I*koff*_I_ can't really do it, but y-*koff*y'get the idea," Donkey wheezed. "It's really kinda…uh…Hey, Shrek? You OK, man?"

For the first time during his little impersonation, Donkey noticed the ogre wasn't listening. His friend stood in front of Fiona's door, chin in hand, deep in thought as he mumbled tiredly to himself.

"…door won't open…keys don't work…an' she's not answerin'…"

"Shrek?"

Finally acknowledging Donkey, the ogre looked down at his anxious sidekick. "Somethin's not right," he muttered with a nod toward the cell door.

"Nah - _really_?" Donkey teased. "Ya KNOW, maybe if SOMEBODY'd thought t'look in there a little SOONER…"

Donkey expected to get a reaction out of Shrek - a sneered insult, a muttered ogre curse word if he was REALLY put out - but even so, he was caught completely off guard as Shrek whirled around, face red-green with rage. "I GET IT, OK?!!" he roared, causing Donkey to stumble back in shock.

"Yeah, I…I…OK," Donkey whimpered, cowering. "I wuz just JOKIN', man - I didn't mean t-to…I'm sorry…"

As Donkey struggled to stammer out a decent apology, Shrek sighed deeply and slumped against the still firmly shut door. "Don't worry 'bout it, Donkey," the ogre mumbled. "S'not yer fault - I jus'…jus- "

It was all too much, even for an ogre. He sighed, his broad shoulders stooped. Donkey risked a couple of uncertain baby steps forward - just in time to see a single tear trace its way down Shrek's rough cheek.

"Awright, awright - don't go getting' all weepy on me," Donkey gently teased his friend with a smirk as he took a seat next to the ogre. "We'll get Fiona out o' there - you'll see! I mean, how hard can it be with THREE of us?"

"Oh, _yeeeeaaah - _ 'specially with that No. 3 bein' such a BIG help an' all," Shrek groused, jabbing an accusatory finger in his brother's direction. "Isn't that right, Cer?"

"Huh?" the would-be enchanter sputtered, looking up from his seat on the floor and the baton he'd been worrying over since their escape. "Did ye say somethin'?" 

"THE WIZARD SPEAKS! Oh, please, great an' mighty wizard - don't go inconveniencin' yerself on account o' us mere mortals!" Shrek sneered sarcastically, dipping low in a mock bow and grinning as Cerul fumed. "After all, I'M only tryin' t'break m'wife out o' prison here - I wouldn't DREAM o' tearin' ye away from that…that…"

For the first time, Shrek noticed the rusty pocketknife Cerul was using to whittle away at the weapon.

"Where'd ye get that?"

"From the guard. Remember, he was gonna hit me, an' then ye grabbed t- "

"Not the stick! The KNIFE!"

"Oh, THAT - it came off the keyring…" Cerul answered nonchalantly as he returned to his task, whistling cheerily as he chipped away at the rapidly diminishing baton.

"Oh. I guess that's all right, then," Shrek nodded, satisfied for the moment with the explanation. "I'll jus- Wait a second! I'VE got th' keys!"

"Do ye now?" Cerul asked with a sly smile, his work interrupted yet again.

"YEAH! As a matter o' fact, I DO!" Shrek bellowed, growing increasingly irritated by the second. "They're right…right…now where'd I put those- "

Shrek began to search his pockets, more confused than ever, until a flash of movement from Cerul's direction caught his eye. He looked up to find his brother spinning the missing keyring on his finger, the wizard's earlier smirk now a full-blown grin.

"Lookin' for these, Shrek?"

"Gimme those!" Shrek growled as he marched over and snatched the keys from Cerul's hand, stuffing them back in his pocket. "How'd ye do that, anyway?"

"Sleight o' hand," Cerul explained, tapping his star-spangled headwear. "I AM a magician, after all!"

This time, it was Shrek's turn to grin.

"Humph! An' here all this time I thought ye were a wizard…"

Cerul's eyes narrowed at the crack.

"S'not like anybody knows the difference…" he muttered, arms crossed in obvious displeasure.

"Yeah, well…wizard, magician - what I NEED is a good locksmith right 'bout now…" Shrek shot back as he turned back to the task of freeing Fiona.

Cerul's eyes brightened at the comment, sensing a chance to play a meaningful role in their little jailbreak.

"Locksmith? Why didn't ye say so earlier?"

Pushing Shrek to one side, the younger ogre kneeled in front of Fiona's door and again flipped out the pilfered knife. Slipping the rusty blade into the door's keyhole, he began the painstaking task of picking the similarly rusted lock.

"Where'd ye learn t'do that?" Shrek asked as he eyed his brother with a mix of wonder and suspicion.

"Well, y'know…ye have t'know these things when ye're a wizard, in case ye- " Cerul started to explain. Catching Shrek's dubious expression, though, he made the wise decision to cut his explanation short. "Well, ye know…"

Shrek looked as Donkey and winked.

"An' he wonders why he's locked up in h- "

"GOT IT!"

Without so much as finishing his sentence or offering a word of thanks to Cerul, Shrek shoved his startled brother aside and threw the door open. Cerul and Donkey watched worriedly from the doorway as Shrek bounded across the room and crouched down next to the still-motionless Fiona.

"Fiona?" the ogre whispered as he rested a hand gently on his wife's slender shoulder. "Fiona, are ye…are ye all right?"

Shrek waited for an answer, head cocked to one side, ears perked up to catch the slightest sound. But he had no better luck soliciting an answer from the princess at her side than he had from the other side of the cell door.

"OK, fine - don't talk t'me," Shrek sighed. "Probably serves me right f'r…f'r WHATEVER I did. But would ye at least LOOK at me?"

Fiona didn't move a muscle. Taking matters into his own hands, Shrek reached out and cradled his wife's chin in his thick fingers. He gently turned her face toward his own- 

- and gasped as she looked up at him, her blue eyes brimming with tears, her face betraying her own suffering locked away beneath the castle.

"Shrek, I…I don't…"

"Shhhhh," Shrek hushed his badly rattled wife, even as his own mind raced. He had feared the worst when he had awakened with Fiona nowhere to be found. He knew he should be overjoyed to have found her, alive and apparently unharmed.

O'course, that depends on yer definition o' 'unharmed' Shrek thought to himself as he held the trembling princess. He cursed himself for his reaction a moment earlier, but...but he couldn't help it. He had tried to brace himself for the worst, but there was no way he could have been prepared to find Fiona - his beautiful, brave Fiona - in such a state.

Very scared.

Very helpless.

And very HUMAN. 


	14. Deep Trouble

**__**

Chapter 14

"Deep Trouble"

_"THAT's_ Fiona?"

Cerul's lip spasmed into a snarl, revealing twin rows of uneven yellow teeth. Eyes that had flown open with surprise on first sight narrowed into a decidedly unfriendly glare as he squinted through the murky shadows of the dungeon's deepest, darkest cell at his new-found sister-in-law.

To say the least, she wasn't _exactly _what he'd expected.

First of all, the color was ALL wrong. She wasn't quite _pink_, wasn't quite _brown _-- and CERTAINLY wasn't green, or even BLUE. Worse yet, she was short, and SKINNY -- so skinny that her ragged burlap dress, by now stained with the souvenirs of captivity, combat and cross-country trek alike, sagged on her rail-thin frame. And even the mane of frazzled red (at least Cerul ASSUMED it was red, though in truth it looked closer to maroon in the gloom of the unilluminated cell) hair that framed her much too pretty face could do little to hide the pathetic flaps of flesh that passed for her ears.

No, she wasn't what he'd expected at all. She was too skinny, too pretty -- and ENTIRELY too h-

"Hey! You say somethin'?"

Cerul glanced down, still scowling, at the question -- and found himself face to long face with Donkey, eyebrow arched and head tilted in obvious anticipation of an answer.

"Huh? Oh, I…uh…it was nothin'," the wizard stammered. "Just askin' if that was Fiona, was all."

Donkey shook his head at what was obviously -- at least to him -- a silly question. "Naw, it's th' OTHER princess Shrek's always fussin' an' worryin' over an' makin' kissy faces at," he answered with a smirk and a chuckle. "Of COURSE it's Fiona! Just outta curiosity, though, why d'ya ask?"

"Oh…no reason, really," Cerul shrugged, peering past Donkey at the topic of their conversation. Fiona was sitting next to the kneeling Shrek, disheveled head to his chest, her much-reduced form all but disappearing beneath his massive arms. "She's jus' not what I was expectin'"

Donkey nodded. "Yeah, she gets that a lot."

"I bet," Cerul muttered. "Funny -- guess it slipped Shrek's mind t'tell me she was- "

"A princess?" Donkey offered.

"No -- THAT much I figured out."

"A redhead?"

"Well, that one's pretty obvious, isn't it?"

"A black belt in kung fu?"

Cerul paused a second at that one, mouth agape, but quickly recovered. "NO! That she was HU- "

"HEY!!!"

Ogre and donkey alike cringed as Shrek's bellowing baritone voice boomed, bouncing off the stone walls of the tunnel, multiplying as it rumbled through the dungeon's labyrinthine passageways. Inside the cell, Fiona's reaction was much the same, the princess throwing her hands over her no longer protruding ears as she winced at her husband's deafening rebuke.

"_WHAT???_" Cerul hissed, hat pulled tight over his still-ringing ears, Donkey cowering at his feet.

"You two mind keepin' down out there?" Shrek barked, gesturing to the obviously uncomfortable and somewhat embarrassed Fiona. "She's havin' a hard enough time without the two o' ye chatterin' away like a couple o'…o'…flyin' MONKEYS!!!"

"Flyin' monkeys? What in blue blazes are ye TALKIN' about?"

"Yukon -- flyin' monkeys!" Donkey chipped in before Shrek could sputter a response to Cerul's question. "Little hairy guys wit' wings? Back when all them fairytale-type people wuz stayin' in Shrek's swamp, there was this scary green-faced ol' lady who had a bunch of 'em -- kept callin' 'em '_my pretties_.' But if ya ask ME, they're ugly li'l suckers, with them beady eyes and the vests with no shirt an' those li'l hats with the tas-no, wait -- those are DANCIN' monkeys! But they look jus' like the flyin' ones -- except for the wings, o' cou-"

"DONKEY!" Shrek yelled, not as deafening as his first outburst but still loud enough that Cerul couldn't help but half-expect a battalion of guards to come racing around the corner. "Would ye PLEASE-"

"Give ya a hand? All ya had t'do was ask, man!" Donkey chirped, overjoyed at the perceived chance to do something useful for a change. "T'be honest, I was gettin' a little bored out here with 'Magic Boy.' Never fear -- your faithful steed is on his w-OOF!!"

Donkey had managed no more than a step or two in his gallop to the couple's side before he found himself brought to a quick -- and painful -- stop. Unable to get a decent grip on the wet stone floor, his hooves skidded out from under him, sending the animal crashing to the floor with a thud. Blinking to chase away the stars circling his head, Donkey turned to find Cerul staring down at him, tail still in hand. 

"What's the big idea, huh?" Donkey huffed as he pulled himself free of the ogre's grip, slipping and stumbling to his feet. "Didn't ya hear the man? They need help in there -- an' I'm just the donkey t'give it!"

Donkey spun on his heels (or the four-legged equivalent, in any case) and turned back toward the cell -- only to find an equally perturbed-looking Shrek frowning at him from Fiona's side.

"What?" Donkey asked, thoroughly confused. "Y'said t-"

"Take a look around, Donkey," Shrek sighed, swinging one arm wide in the direction of the cell's far wall. "See anythin' familiar?"

"Well," Donkey pondered the scene before him. "There's YOU, an'…an' the princess, o' course…"

Shrek groaned, burying his head in his hand in exasperation.

"In the cell!" the ogre growled, eyeing his infuriating friend through splayed fingers. "The CELL!"

"Ooooohhh -- the CELL! Why didn't ya say so?"

Donkey gave the room a thorough once-over, pacing back and forth in front of the open cell door, occasionally pausing to cock his head to this side or that for a better view. "Lessee…" he mumbled to himself as he paced, "kinda _dark_…kinda _dirty_…sorta _slimy_-lookin'…HEY! Kinda like YOUR place!"

"WOULD YE JUST LOOK AT THE WALLS, YE JACKA-"

"Sheesh! Somebody woke up on the wrong side o' the…well, WHATEVER it was we wuz sleepin' on!" Donkey snapped. "OK, the walls…walls…hey! They're all sparkly! Kinda like-"

"MY cell?" Cerul offered, foot tapping impatiently as he waited for Donkey to make the connection.

"Yeah! Like YOUR cell!"

"An' remember what happened in THERE?" Shrek asked, trying his best to hurry their little guessing game along. "Ye come prancin' in here, an' the next thing ye know I won't be able t'get a word out o-'-- on second thought, come on in! 'The more the merrier,' I always sa-OOF!"

Shrek's comment was cut short as Fiona landed a quick -- and surprisingly solid, considering her condition -- elbow in the ogre's ribs.

"Stay right there, Donkey," she called out, using Shrek's broad shoulder as leverage to pull herself to her feet. "We're coming out."

"We are?"

"Yes, _dear_," Fiona answered her husband's question with a tone of voice that said the point was NOT open to debate, "we are."

---------------

"So…do I LOOK as bad as I FEEL?"

Fiona managed a weak smile at her own query as she slumped against the cold rock wall of the passageway and began the task of getting her tangled tresses back in some semblance of order. She half-suspected the answer -- especially now that she was out in the relatively well-lighted hallway beyond her cell. Shrek and his new blue friend -- at least she assumed he was a friend, though Shrek didn't look very happy with him -- were a few yards away, engaged in a whispered dispute that was growing louder by the second. Donkey, meanwhile, had taken it upon himself to stick by the royal's side, an eager if unimposing sentry.

"Aw, ya look FINE, Princess," he answered her question with a toothy grin. "Just like always."

She chuckled at the well-meaning if not entirely sincere compliment. "Thanks, Donkey…"

"Hey, not a problem!" he replied, happy to see a smile finally cross Fiona's tired face. "Seriously, ya look good. Ya look…um…uh…THIN…?"

Fiona's smile widened.

"Well, I DID drop about 150 pounds," she laughed, dropping the makeshift braid she had begun to hold up the voluminous folds of her now comically oversized dress. "I can see it now -- The Slobberknob Diet: '_Nothing for breakfast, nothing for lunch and an overnight stay in a dark, drafty, magic-draining dungeon cell for dinner_.' Think it'll catch on?"

"Hey, people'll do all SORTS o'crazy things t'lose weight!" Donkey answered enthusiastically. "Like, I remember this one time, the lady I used t'live with got the hots for ol' man MacDonald next farm over -- man, was THAT place loud! Somebody always moo-mooin' or cluck-cluckin' or quack-quackin.' Enough t'drive a guy crazy! But anyway, so the ol' lady got this idea in her head that maybe if she dropped a coupla pounds, maybe Mac Daddy next door would…"

As Donkey rambled on, Fiona's attention drifted to her husband and their new companion across the hall. The two ogres were in the middle of what appeared to be a heated exchange, both gesturing wildly and fighting a losing battle to keep their voices lowered.

Well, SOMEBODY's not happy! she thought to herself with a frown as the ogres griped and growled and glared at one another in obvious enmity. I wonder what's got THEM so fired up?

---------------

"…lessee…no point in goin' UP -- nothin' up THERE but a bunch o' guards and one power-mad sham of a king! 'Course, we're 'bout as much DOWN as it gets. Maybe if we-"

"Why didn't ye tell me 'bout Fiona?"

Shrek groaned, more than a little peeved at his line of thought being so rudely interrupted. He turned -- and found an even angrier-looking Cerul standing next to him, arms crossed in obvious irritation.

"What?" Shrek asked, confused by the sudden and unexpected interrogation.

"Fiona -- why didn't ye tell me 'bout her?"

"I DID!" Shrek hissed, doing his best to keep his voice down and avoid upsetting his wife any further than her ordeal already had. "Well, maybe I didn't spell it out for ye -- but ye overheard me an' Donkey talkin' 'bout her, an' I KNOW I mentioned m'wife, so I know YE knew I was marri-"

"That's NOT what I meant!"

"Then what WERE ye meanin'?"

"I was meanin'," Cerul huffed, face reddening (or more correctly, considering its bluish tone, purpling) with rage, "why didn't ye tell me she was HUMAN?"

"Well, she WASN'T when we came in here!" Shrek argued. "B'sides, what's it matter?"

"What's it MATTER?!!" Cerul bellowed, any attempt to keep the argument quiet now beyond salvage. "Shrek, ye KNOW what humans are like! They're…they're greedy, an' bloodthirsty, an' small-minded, an' they're…they're-"

"Standin' right behind ye listening t'every word ye're sayin.'"

Cerul spun around -- and found himself face-to-face with a livid Princess Fiona. She had overheard her name and decided to see for herself just what was going on between the ogres.

Obviousy -- hands on her hips, blue eyes flashing beneath scarlet bangs -- she wasn't happy with what she'd seen, or HEARD.

"Sorry," Cerul gulped, instinctively taking a step back from the fuming royal. "I…I thought ye were-"

"Thought I was WHAT, _exactly_?" Fiona snarled. "Besides greedy, and bloodthirsty, and SMALL-MINDED, of course."

"I…I didn't know ye were-" Cerul tried to apologize, but he'd already dug himself far too deep a hole to get out of it THAT easily.

"Listening?" Fiona spit out the word. "I'm not deaf, _pal --_ just HUMAN. So before you go around talking behind people's back, Mister-"

She paused, taking a second to give the newcomer a quick sizing-up.

"Who ARE you, anyway?"

"Oh! Whoops -- guess I should be makin' introductions here!" Shrek interjected, stepping between the two in an attempt to defuse the increasingly ugly situation. "Fiona, _dear_, this is-"

"Ye can call me Cer."

"'_SIR_?" Fiona laughed, more flabbergasted than amused by the ogre's presumptuousness. "SOMEBODY thinks an awful lot of himself -- especially for a guy in a DUNCE cap!"

"It's a WIZARD'S hat! WIZARD!" Cerul shrieked, his patience with the world's disheartening lack of magical knowledge worn nearly as thin as Fiona's lack of patience with him. "Haven't any of ye seen a wizard bef-"

"Wizard?" Fiona sputtered, expression betraying her disbelief. "If you're a wizard -- and don't think for one INSTANT that I believe you are -- then why don't you just…just…magically WHISK us away from all of this, hmm?"

"Well, I…that is…I…" Cerul tried to explain, stumbling over the words under Fiona's withering glare. 

"You what?" Fiona demanded.

"Y'know what? Maybe I will!"

"Maybe you SHOULD!"

"Oh, yeah!"

"YEAH!"

"OK, lady -- ye asked for it!"

Cerul angrily shoved his hat into place and reached for his wand. Lifting the makeshift baton over his head, he began to mutter a few sufficiently mystical-sounding words-

"Oh no, ye don't!"

Without warning, Cerul found himself suddenly enveloped in Shrek's thick arms, one hand clamped over his mouth while the other wrenched the wand from his hand. Satisifed the job was done, Shrek released the would-be sorcerer -- and found himself being stared down by both Cerul and an equally angry-looking Fiona.

"Why not?" Cerul sputtered, indignantly snatching the wand back from Shrek.

"Yeah, why not?" Fiona echoed the question. "If this Merlin wannabe thinks he can get us out of h-"

"FERGET IT!" Shrek roared at neither in particular. "Like I've said, oh, 'bout a MILLION times already, YOU" -- he poked Cerul in the chest with a single accusatory finger -- "an' yer little 'magic tricks' are NOT goin' t'help! _I'll_ find us a way out o' here -- MY way!"

With that, Shrek stormed off toward the other end of Wizards' Row and the passageways beyond, leaving sibling and spouse alike in his wake. Cerul was content to sit and sulk, but Fiona, not about to let Shrek out of her sights, sprinted after the ogre.

"Not without ME, you won't!"

"But, honey-" Shrek started to argue, without bothering to turn around or even slow his gait.

"Don't 'but honey' me, Shrek -- this is NOT negotiable!" Fiona cut him off mid-protest. "I'm coming with youEEEIIII!!!!!"

Shrek froze at the sound of Fiona's scream. He whirled to find his wife ankle-deep in one of the puddles that pitted the uneven stone floor of the hallway, outsized dress trailing through the water.

"ARRRGGGH!!!" Fiona screamed, the stress of the past nights finally getting to her.

"Stupid puddle! Stupid dress!"

In a fit of anger, she seized the hem of the offending garment-

*RIIIIIIIIIP!*

-and tore off a strip of material, leaving the dress a fraction of an inch shorter.

*RIIIIIIIIIP!*

She tore off another strip-

*RIIIIIIIIIP!*

-and another-

*RIIIIIIIIIP!*

-and another-

*RIIIIIIIIIP!*

-and yet another, until the princess all but disappeared within a flurry of flying fabric. Eventually, the ripping came to a stop, revealing an exhausted but much more comfortable-looking Fiona, both the sleeves and the skirt of her ensemble reduced considerably by her unorthodox alterations.

"Give me your belt," she gasped, still struggling to compose herself following her little temper tantrum, with a nod toward Shrek.

"What?" the ogre asked, thoroughly confused.

"Your belt!"

"But…" he protested, "but what about m'PANTS?"

"Shrek…_dear_," Fiona reasoned with her flustered husband in the most patient-sounding tone of voice possible under the circumstances, "you wear the belt OVER your SHIRT. How much good is it REALLY doing your pants?"

Shrek had to admit -- she had him there!

"Huh…now that ye mention it, I guess it IS a little silly," he conceded. "Y'know, I never really thought about it like that…"

"You can think about it like that later. Right now, I need the belt."

"Uh…OK," Shrek shrugged as he unfastened the leather strap. "But what're ye-"

Before he could finish his sentence, Fiona had swiped the belt from his hand. She wrapped it around her narrow waist -- then did it again, and again, until the belt's considerable length was wound tight. Satisfied that it wouldn't make it around again, she cinched it, pulling tight belt and dress alike.

"There! The latest in peasant fashion!" she boasted, obviously proud of her handiwork. "Perfect for trudging through puddles" -- to prove her point, she pounded the offending pool of water with a couple of lead-footed stomps, burning off the last of her anger and sending her companions diving for cover -- "OR just hanging around the castle. What do you think?"

"I think I'm glad I'm not a dress…" Shrek chuckled.

"Or a puddle!" Donkey added. Everyone laughed -- everyone but Cerul, whose eyes widened as the wheels in his red-tressed head began to turn.

"Wait a sec…" he mumbled to himself, hands fidgeting with the wand in nervous energy. "A puddle…puddle…That's IT!"

"Yes, we GET it -- Donkey's glad he's not a puddle," Shrek grunted. "Now can we please move o-"

"NO, ye DON'T get it! I've got an idea!" Cerul crowed. "See, runnin' around the outside o' the castle, there's this moat-"

"With a rickety wooden bridge an' a couple o' lazy rent-a-sentries an' all sorts o' creepy-crawlies swimmin' in it," Shrek interrupted irritably. "Been there, done that. So?"

"Soooo…," Cerul continued excitedly, his enthusiasm over what was obviously (at least to him) a brilliant plan easily overpowering any annoyance at Shrek's skepticism, "the MOAT leaks through the ceiling. The LEAKS drip into PUDDLES. And the PUDDLES go down THESE GRATES" ¾ he gestured triumphantly to one of the rusty metal storm drains set into the stone floor ¾ "into-"

---------------

"The SEWER?"

King Odius looked up from his vantage point at the edge of a gaping hole in the floor of Wizards' Row where a drainage grate had been just hours earlier. Judging by the twisted and badly bent remains of the metal bars and the jagged edges of the hole, the grate had been ripped away by hand, the hand of someone with considerable strength -- and the monarch had a pretty good idea just WHO that someone had been.

"It would appear that way, milord," Grunder grunted in affirmation, standing at attention a few feet away from the king. The soldier -- eyes narrowed to little more than yellow slits, teeth grinding beneath his unshaven jaw line -- looked none too happy to be at that particular spot at that particular moment, especially under those particular circumstances -- and the aged jailkeep Brutus cowering behind him, a few stubborn splinters of straw clinging to his thinning grey hair, looked positively miserable as he eyed the king in trepidation. "But we WILL find them. All right, men -- what I want out of each and everyone of you is a hard target search of every sewer, gutter, culvert, cesspool, manhole, swimmin' hole and-"  
"I blame myself, you know," Odius sighed, cutting Grunder off in mid-order, as he stepped away from the void. "I underestimated him -- ALL of them, really -- and their ingenuity. An unfortunate side effect, I'm afraid, of surrounding myself with ogres who can't think for themselves."

"Maybe unfortunate, milord, but unavoidable in a dictatorship," Grunder pointed out, already well aware of the reaction questioning the legitimacy of Odius reign would draw from the aging monarch.

Odius smiled, but his eyes held no humor. "I'm no dictator, my dear general," he corrected Grunder in carefully measured tones. "My fellow ogres fairly and willingly _elected _me to my current position -- and anything I've been forced to do in order to hold on to that position was merely good politics."

"I suppose," Grunder shrugged, quickly growing bored of the debate -- especially when action was so close at hand. "Getting back to the matter of the prisoners, your highness," he steered the conversation back to the disappearance of Shrek and friends, "should I send my men down after them?"

Odius shook his head.

"No."

"But, milord-" Odius started to protest, but Odius raised a ringed hand to silence the soldier.

"They've a considerable head start under less than favorable conditions, and I doubt very much that a battalion of your warriors could, in full armor and weighed down by their myriad swords and spears and what have you, make up much time against four unburdened fugitives with every reason to hurry."

"Then…" Odius growled, "then you intend to just…LET THEM GO?"

Odius grinned wickedly. "Not at all, Grunder. We can't outrun them -- but we may yet be able to outSMART them…"

"Sir?"

"We've spent too long standing where they've BEEN," the king explained, the grin widening as his plan began to unfold. "If we've any hope of catching them, we need to get to where they're GOING to be, and quickly…"

---------------


	15. Looking Up

**__**

Chapter 15

"Looking Up"

Dark.

Cold.

Cramped.

"An' CREEPY! Did I mention creepy already?"

Shrek groaned wearily. Donkey's litany of protests had begun within minutes of the foursome's foray into the depths of the castle's bowels (and considering they were sloshing their way through the fortress' sewer system, 'bowels' DID seem the appropriate word) and had yet to cease, despite warnings from Shrek too numerous to count.

"'Cause, with the dark an' all, I'd say creepy's a pretty fair…"

"ASSessment?"

No one laughed at Shrek's little play on words. To be honest, he wasn't much in the laughing mood himself. Donkey was getting on his nerves -- but worse yet was the realization that, annoying or not, he couldn't argue with the sentiment.

The sewers WERE dark, the sputtering torch Cerul had swiped from Wizards' Row the quartet's only illumination as they navigated the otherwise pitch-black tunnels; the sewers WERE cold, and VERY cramped, the rough-hewn brick ceiling hanging so low that Cerul had at last been forced to doff his beloved wizard's hat, and even the human Fiona had to duck her head, leaving Donkey for once at near-eye level with his usually towering friends. And between the fleeting, flickering shadows cast by the torch's flame, the way every word was likewise warped and distorted as it echoed through the long-unvisited and increasingly claustrophobic tunnels, and unnerving but increasingly common brushes with whatever…_things_…lived in the murky water lapping at the heroes' ankles, even the usually stalwart Shrek had to admit that the sewers WERE more than a little creepy.

"_Oh, for…_" Shrek muttered, already cursing himself for what he was about to do. "All right -- TIME OUT!"

One by one, Shrek's companions -- first Fiona, then Donkey, and finally Cerul from his post at the head of the unlikely procession -- turned to face the ogre, their expressions ranging from confusion to fear to outright anger at the outburst.

"_What?_" the shivering Fiona sputtered, cold and tired and quickly losing hope of ever getting home to that comfy little cottage back in Duloc.

"An' make it snappy!" an equally irritable Cerul barked. "We're sorta in a hurry here!"

Shrek glared at Cerul, taking a moment to collect his thoughts, summon his courage -- and set aside what was left of his dignity.

"All right, here goes. I…I…_I can't believe I'm sayin' this_…"

"Spit it out already!"

"All right! OK! I…I think Donkey's got a point."

"_WHAT?!!_"

All three gawked at the ogre, flabbergasted -- not least of all Donkey himself 

"I do?" he asked incredulously, unaccustomed to being agreed with. "I mean…I mean, of COURSE I do! After all, I AM the brains o' this little outfit -- and might I say it's about TIME somebody recog-"

Shrek turned his glare from Cerul to Donkey, the animal withering under the ogre's menacing gaze.

"…'course, there's somethin' to be said for bein' _humble_…"

"Take a look around, people," Shrek continued."It IS dark, an' it IS cold, an' even ye two gotta admit," the ogre shot a knowing look at Fiona and Cerul, "it IS kinda creepy!"

Princess and wizard alike looked away, both a little embarrassed by Shrek's lecture.

"An' we're not gettin' any closer to bein' out o' here, either," the ogre sighed, anger fading to dull resignation. "I mean, do ye even know where we ARE anymore, Cerul?"

"O' COURSE I do!" the wizard huffed indignantly.

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah, _really_. Besides," Cerul argued, ego bruised by his brother's accusations, "even if we WERE lost down here -- not that I'm sayin' we ARE -- but even if we _were_…well, we're a lot better off down HERE than we were locked away up THERE."

Shrek scowled, clearly unimpressed, but didn't answer.

"In fact, way _I_ see it," Cerul continued, stride and speech alike picking up steam as he began once again to stomp down the narrow corridor, his passage leaving a trail of miniature whitecaps in its wake, "considerin' that just a few hours ago we were all under lock an' key waitin' for Odius t'do who KNOWS what to us, _I'd_ say things are startin' to look u-ULP!!!"

Without warning, an ear-splitting *CRACK* thundered from underfoot. As his companions looked on in horror, Cerul plunged beneath the chilly waters, putting a quick end to his comments -- and the torch, leaving a flustered Shrek, Fiona and Donkey stranded in the impenetrable darkness of the deep underground.

"CERUL!!"

"_Yeah?!_" the magician answered, his voice strangely distant, and muffled by the suddenly deafening sound of rushing water.

"Hey! What happened t'the light?" Shrek yelled as he sloshed forward, trying to pinpoint the direction from which his brother's voice was coming.

"I'm fine -- thanks for askin'…"

"Yeah, yeah," Shrek grumbled, slipping quickly into his familiar, grumpy tone as he tried to stay calm in the face of this latest crisis. "We can make nice later. Right now, I just wanna be able t'SEE!"

The ogre braced himself for his brother's inevitable smart response, but none came. Instead, Shrek's trumpet ears perked up as they caught, just audible above the roar of the water, mumbled words he didn't understand.

He understood all too well, though, what they meant.

Magic.

"Hey! No funny stuff!" Shrek yelled out, making sure Cerul couldn't help but hear him, even above the din.

"Shrek!" Fiona snapped. "For the last time, will you--"

"An' how else am I supposed t' light the torch?" the wizard yelled back, voice still oddly faint in the gloom.

"Strike a match, rub two sticks together -- I don't care! But no m-"

"Man, don't listen to him, Cerul!" Donkey cut in, voice cracking as panic set in. "As long as it gets that torch lit, more magic the better, I say!"

"Finally, a voice of REASON!"

"Yeah, well," Donkey stammered, eyes darting back and forth in search of the danger he just _knew _was lurking in the shadows, "reason IS I ain't a real big fan of the dark, if ya know what I mean, so I wish ya'd just go ahead an' make with the light!"

"It's not as easy as it looks, y'know," Cerul groused. "It's a very delicate pro-"

*WHOOOOSH!!!*

"Son of a--!!!" Shrek cursed as a brilliant beam of blue-white light burst from the water at his feet, leaving him to stumble blindly back.

"Shrek!" Fiona screamed, her anger over his earlier transgressions forgotten -- at least for the moment -- in the excitement.

"I'm OK," the ogre grunted, rubbing away the spots dancing before his already overtaxed eyes. "How 'bout you?"

"I…I'm fine. Just a little-"

"Hey! I can see! I can see! I-"

"I can SEE that, Donkey," Shrek growled at the obviously relieved beast of burden splashing around excitedly at his feet. "What I DON'T see is Cerul. Cerul!"

"Down here!" the wizard's voice called out again.

Shrek crept forward, wary of the sudden light show, until it became obvious that the beam was coming from BELOW -- specifically, from a roughly ogre-sized hole in the floor of the passage, its formation no doubt the source of the earlier noise. He leaned over the lip of the opening, eyes narrowing as he squinted into the light -- and narrowing further as they settled on the grinning face of Cerul several feet below. 

"Cerul?"

"Hey, I got the light workin'!" the magician called out, waving his makeshift wand in Shrek's face. True to Cerul's word, the stick was now glowing with a brilliant blue light, far brighter as any torch. 

"So I noticed."

"Then what are ye waitin' for?" Cerul sneered as he slapped his floppy blue wizard hat back atop his shaggy head. "Get yer big green butt down here!"

Shrek looked down at the tunnel below, sizing up the situation. It was obviously even from his limited vantage point and through the curtain of water pouring over the edge of the hole that this new passageway was a lot bigger than the cramped sewers in which the foursome had spent the past hours -- a welcome relief for his aching back.

Still…

"What's so important down th-

"Just get down here, would ya?" Cerul snapped. "_Gotta argue 'bout every little_…" he muttered to himself as he backed out of sight.

"I can hear ye, y'know," Shrek shot back as he eased his sizable bulk over the edge of the hole until he dangled by his fingertips. Taking a deep breath, he let go, almost immediately hitting the water below-

*SPLASH!!*

-and showering Cerul with a cascade of ice-cold water, further drenching the wizard but doing little to dampen the dazzling light of the wand. Ignoring a nasty look from his brother, Shrek turned to face the opening in what was now from his perspective the ceiling.

"All right, Donkey -- yer turn!"

The animal peeked apprehensively over the edge. "I don't know about this, Shrek…"

Shrek grinned up at his fearful friend. "Don't worry, Donkey," hollered reassuringly. "I got ya!"

"You sure?"

Shrek nodded. "Have I ever steered ye wrong?"

"Well, OK…"

Donkey tiptoed his way closer to the hole, step by baby step. With a mumbled prayer, he leaned out over the gap until gravity took over, beckoned by Shrek's outstretched arms-

"Whoops!"

-arms that disappeared behind the ogre's back as Donkey dropped like a furry stone into the waiting water.

*SPLASH!* 

A sputtering, scowling Donkey broke the surface a second later to the sound of an ogre belly laugh. "Ha, ha -- very funny…" he huffed as he paddled past Shrek toward Cerul and the reassuring light of the wand. 

Shrek, though, didn't notice Donkey's reaction. His attentions were already again overhead, where Fiona was getting ready to join her companions.

"All right, Fi," he called out to the princess. "Just give me yer hand an' I'll--"

But no sooner did he reach for her hand then she pulled it away, folding her arms in protest. 

"I can manage just fine on my own, thank you!" she sniffed in her most royally dismissive tone.

Shrek groaned in irritation. "Oh, ye CAN'T still be mad at me for not tellin' ye about-"

"About what? This brother of yours? Slobberknob? Guess what, pal -- I can be and I AM," she snapped as she lowered herself over the edge. "Now get out of my way…"

"Fiona…_dear_…it's a little deeper than it looks," Shrek tried to dissuade his wife,"an' considerin yer present condition, y-"

"Are you going to get out of my way or not?"

Shrek looked at his fuming wife, then at the water and back to Fiona. Knowing this was fight he was destined to lose anyway, he simply smirked and took one ogre-sized step back.

"Fine -- have it YOUR way."

"THANK you!"

Like Donkey before her, she dropped from the sewers above--

*SPLASH!!!*

-and, like Donkey, surfaced to the sight of Shrek struggling, with little success, to contain his laughter.

"Hey, ye can't say I didn't warn-"

"I know, I know -- you told me so," the princess cut her husband off as she struggled to her feet, runoff dripping from her disheveled hair and now thoroughly soaked dress.

As Fiona rubbed the water from her eyes and swiped at the strands of red hair plastered to her forehead, Shrek couldn't help but be reminded of their last dinner back home in Duloc, and the ill-fated bowl of slug stew that had left him in a similar predicament. Despite the trouble he now found himself in -- trouble that, despite his best efforts, he had inadvertently dragged both Fiona and Donkey into as well -- he couldn't help but smile, a little misty-eyed, at the memory of that evening and the many like it they had enjoyed over the past year.

"What are YOU grinning at?" the waterlogged Fiona grumbled, noticing Shrek's sudden change in mood.

Shrek shrugged. "Nothin' -- just thinkin' about dinner the other night, an' the stew…"

The princess managed a tired smile. "I look THAT bad, huh?"

"Worse," Shrek chuckled as he reached up with pudgy fingers to brush away a stray hair from his wife's pale, water-streaked face. "Look, Fiona…I'm sorry. About everything."

Fiona stiffened, pulling herself up to her full human height in indignation -- but she couldn't stay mad. She sighed, shoulders slumping. "Don't worry about it."

"But I WANT t'worry about it!" Shrek protested, unwilling to be let off so lightly. "I shoulda told ye about Cerul. AND Slobberknob. AND-"

"Yes -- you should have," Fiona huffed, expression softening even as she said it. "But we'll worry about that later. Right now, though, I'd just like to worry about getting home. OK?"

Shrek nodded.

"OK."

"Great. Now let's see if this in-law of mine is half as resourceful as his brother…"

---------------

The four friends waded (or in Donkey's case, paddled) along down the meandering subterranean stream -- which proved considerably less deep as they moved away from the scene of the cave-in -- in near-silence, broken occasionally by the hushed giggle of some whispered joke between the by now thoroughly reconciled Shrek and Fiona or the mutterings of Cerul as he tried to plot a course out of the labyrinth of tunnels.

Near-silence, though, proved near impossible for Donkey. With Shrek and Fiona's attentions obviously elsewhere, the animal decided it best to buddy up with Cerul and the relative safety of the wand's light.

"So…uh…how're you doin'?" Donkey asked hesitantly, doing his best to break the ice (and the silence) with a little small talk as he splashed alongside the wizard.

Cerul glanced down at his four-legged traveling companion and shrugged. "Fine," he grunted.

"That's good," Donkey nodded. "Me, I can't complain…well, except maybe for the cold, an' the dark, an' the bein' wet, an'…"

Cerul rolled his eyes at the familiar list of complaints -- an expression of exasperation not lost on Donkey.

"_Yeah_…" the animal trailed off. "Soooo," he tried again, deciding to attack this latest challenge from another angle, "where ARE we?"

Cerul stroked his roughly whiskered chin with his free hand. "If I had t'guess," he offered, "I'd say the caverns under the castle."

Donkey looked up at the ogre, clearly puzzled.

"Caverns?" he asked. "Like a CAVE, caverns? But I thought we wuz in the SEWERS!"

"We WERE," Cerul answered. "But my li'l…_shortcut_…dropped us right in the middle o' the underground river that runs through…."

The answer only confused Donkey more.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" the animal sputtered. "So we were in the SEWER, but now we're in a RIVER, in a CAVE."

"Right."

"So we're in a river?"

"Yep."

"In a cave?"

"Uh-huh."

"And we're NOT in a sewer?"

"Nope, not anymore."

"Oh…OK, I get it now!" Donkey nodded, grinning. But the grin had no sooner crossed his long face then it faded to confusion again. "No, I don't," he sighed. "Well, maybe I…no, wait, I…I'm confused…"

Cerul groaned, head in azure hand. How could Shrek LIVE with this 24-7?

"Look, it's not THAT hard t'understand," the magician sighed. "Ye got a castle, right? And there's…y'know… _stuff _that eventually ye're gonna want to…_flush out_. Ye still followin' me?"

Donkey offered a less than convincing nod in confirmation that he did, in fact, still follow.

"Good," the ogre grunted. "Now, what d'ye need to flush it away?"

"Ummm…one o' li'l handles, right? The silver one up in the corner, next to th-"

"No! Sewers! SEWERS!" Cerul roared. "An' guess what? Ye take these caves an' all the water already runnin' through em, ye stick a couple pipes in between, slap on some bricks here an' there t'hold it all together an'…presto! Ye got sewers! Got it?"

Donkey stood a second, head cocked contemplatively to one side as the wheels turned slowly in his head. "Yeah…yeah, I guess so," he nodded at last, "but-"

"But WHAT?"

"Well, why couldn't ya just DIG a buncha tunnels? Then ya could have your castle anywhere ya wanted!"

Cerul opened his mouth, ready to scold Donkey for such a silly question…except that it wasn't so silly. In fact, the magician was forced to admit to himself, it was a pretty thoughtful question -- and deserved a suitably thoughtful answer.

"Well," Cerul explained, "runnin' water is a tricky proposition, especially if ye ain't a big fan o' water t'begin with. An' besides," he laughed, "ogres aren't exactly known for their engineerin' skills."

Now it was Donkey's turn to laugh.

"Oh, really?" he asked, a sly grin on his furry face. "Obviously, ya don't know my man Shrek as well as ya think y'do. You should see his place back in Duloc -- it's got a shower, an' a outhouse an' everything!"

"Well, ain't he just Mr. Fixit!" Cerul scoffed, trying to picture his brother laboring away at some home-improvement project. "Any more questions?"

"Actually, I've got a couple."

Cerul and Donkey turned to find that, while they were distracted with talk of sewers and caverns and other plumbing concerns, Shrek and Fiona had picked up their pace so that they were now just a few steps behind and listening intently to their friends' conversation.

"Like what?" Cerul asked, wondering just what was so important that Shrek would bother asking HIM for answers.

"Like where'd the castle come from?" Shrek answered, thumbing toward the ceiling and the fortress beyond. "M'memory might not be what it used t'be, but I like t'think I'd remember something like THAT! For that matter, since when does Slobberknob have a king -- an' ODIUS of all people?!!"

"Oh, so NOW yer interested in what happened while ye were gone, huh?" Cerul smirked. "Well, let's start from the beginnin', shall we?"

---------------

__

"Ye were still here when this whole big rigmarole started, back when Odius first showed up -- him an' his whole big, stupid idea about havin' a KING.

Where'd he come from? Ye got me. He just sorta wandered inta Slobberknob like a lot o' ogres do, an' already he's talkin' his crazy 'monarchy' nonsense! But he manages to get enough people riled up that they start callin' for an ELECTION. So not only are we ogres gonna have a KING, but we're gonna ELECT him! An' who's the first guy nominated by Odius? That's right -- me very own big green cueball of a brother here!

An' what'd'ye do, Shrek?

Ye run away. Slip off in the middle o' the night, an' no one -- least of all ME -- ever hears from ye again.

'Course, that wasn't about t'stop Od-

"Now hold on just a minute!" Shrek bellowed, stopping Cerul in mid-story. "I did NOT jus' 'run away' -- I had a very good reason f'r what I did!"

__

"An' that WAS?" Cerul asked, leaning forward in mocking anticipation of his brother's explanation.

__

"I…I'm not a liberty t'talk about it," Shrek sniffed, tips of his pea-green ears turning red with embarassment.

"'Course yer not," Cerul grunted. "May I continue, then?"

__

The sulking Shrek shrugged his indifference. Cerul smirked and took a deep breath, ready to dive back into his tale… 

__

'Like I was sayin', Shrek's li'l disappearin' act wasn't about t'stop Odius. No, he just picks some other poor schlub to run in yer place, an' sure enough THAT guy ends up bein' king.

Now pay attention, 'cause this is where things get REALLY interestin'.

A couple months later, the king just *POOF* disappears, just like that. Nobody really cares at first -- after all, it's one thing to get ogres t'CROWN a king, an' another thing entirely to get 'em to actually OBEY him. But Odius, he's not lettin' this whole 'monarchy' thing go so easy, so he declares that as 'royal advisor' (which far as I know was just some title he made up on account o' it was his idea to have a king in the first place), HE is now king. And as king, HE's makin' some CHANGES.

First thing he does is proclaim that, to make sure nothin' happens to the NEW king (bein' HIM, o' course), there's gonna be a royal guard, an' Grunder's gonna be captain.

Now, Grunder…everyone in Slobberknob knows HIM. He an' his hordes would come trompin' down outta the mountains every once in a while an' tear the place up, grabbin' whatever they wanted -- jus' generally pushin' people around, y'know? But now, they had TITLES. Now, they had PERMISSION. An' now Odius had someone to enforce his rules.

An' let me tell YOU, does he have RULES!

Apparently, Odius had done hisself a little world travelin' before he stumbled across Slobberknob. He'd seen a lot o' different kings runnin' a lot o' different kingdoms, an' know what they all had in common?

Laws.

That's right, laws -- makin' 'em…changin' them…punishin' people what didn't follow them. So Odius, he starts makin' all these 'royal proclamations' -- basically a bunch o' laws he says are gonna make ogres 'civilized,' whatever THAT's supposed t'mean! An' with his royal guard around t'bully people into followin' them -- well, it didn't take long for Slobberknob to 'clean up their act,' as he likes t'say.

So Odius has got his crown. He's got his kingdom. Now what he needs t'be a proper king is a CASTLE. But like I said before, we ogres aren't exactly famous as architects. So he tells Grunder an' his men to go FIND him a castle.

An' they do.

But there's a couple problems. What kinda problems, ye ask? Well…it's way on the other side o' the mountains, for one thing.

AND it's a HUMAN castle.

AND it's fallin' apart.

But does Odius care? 'Course not. He just orders Grunder and Co. to lug it back t'Slobberknob, stone by stone, beam by beam. So they do -- king's orders, after all.

When all the pieces finally make it back to Slobberknob, Odius picks out what HE thinks is the perfect spot for it. Only, the spot's not so perfect -- as Grunder tries t'tell him, or so I hear. He tells Odius that the ground's full o' sinkholes and caves and old tunnels, an' that there's no way it's gonna hold up a castle. Again, does Odius care? Nope. So they put the castle back together -- beam by beam, stone by stone. An' sure enough, it starts leanin' and bucklin' an' fallin' apart again inside a week. But Odius is happy. The king's got his castle -- and under it are all sorts o' caves and caverns to be turned into cellars an' sewers.

An' dungeons.

Turns out, not everybody's quite so willin' t'do what King Odius commands, even with Grunder an' his thugs around t'bust heads.

No, ye still have yer troublemakers.

Yer rabble-rousers.

Yer MAGIC-users.

So Odius has all us "subversive" types rounded up and tossed into his spankin' new dungeon…

"…an' that's where I sat an' rotted until ye all showed up. That answer yer questions, Shrek?"

Shrek was silent for a moment, earlier contrariness forgotten as he let Cerul's story sink in. "I…uh…I _guess_…" he mumbled at last, still lost in thought.

"Good, 'cause now I got one!" Cerul crowed. "How's a big, stupid, ugly ogre like YOU end up hitched to a PRINCESS -- a HUMAN princess, at that?"

Putting his concerns aside for the moment, Shrek smiled, face lighting up with a warm, contented grin Cerul had never seen on his brother's face before. He turned to Fiona. "You wanna tell the story, or me?"

"You go ahead," she chuckled to her husband, wrapping an arm around his ample waist to pull him closer. "I'd _love _to hear it again."

"All rightee then," Shrek laughed. He coughed once, loudly, for effect. Assured that he had his traveling companions' undivided attention, he began.

__

"Once upon a time…"


	16. A Little Help

**__**

Chapter 16

"A Little Help"

"…And we all lived happily -- if maybe _ugly _-- ever after. The end."

Shrek folded his arms with proud finality, his wide grin showing off yellowing, uneven teeth. "So, what d'ye think?" he asked Cerul expectantly. "Quite a story, eh?"

The wizard was silent for a moment. He stroked the coarse red whiskers that peppered his blue chin, pondering his brother's fractured fairy tale. "Hmmm…" he muttered to himself. "Nope. Not buyin' it."

Shrek's jaw dropped, one eye twitching with barely contained rage. "No…not BUYIN' it?" he croaked at last, voice little more than a whisper.

"What do you mean, not buying it?" Fiona huffed, face turning nearly as red as her hair. "That's what happened!"

"Yeah, you tell him, girlfriend!" Donkey jumped to his friends' defense. "Listen, man, I was THERE! I saw the whole thing! Well, OK…maybe not the WHOLE thing. I gotta admit, I slept through a couple parts. An' maybe -- just MAYBE -- I closed my eyes a time or two or three when things got REALLY hairy. But I DEFINITELY saw all the important stuff!"

Cerul threw up his hands in surrender, backing away from the angry trio. "All right, all right -- I'm sorry!" he groused. "I didn't know it was such a sore spot with you people. But ye have t'admit -- it IS a little…_implausible_. I mean, battlin' a huge, fire-breathin' dragon? Rescuin' a damsel in distress -- and a PRINCESS at that? An' then MARRYIN' her?" He snorted. "Sure doesn't sound like the Shrek _I_ know!"

Fiona frowned and wrapped a possessive arm around Shrek's waist "Well, then maybe Donkey was right earlier. You DON'T know my knight in shining armor here as well as you like to THINK you do…" 

"Yeah, maybe," Cerul conceded with a shrug as he started to head once again upstream. "After all," he grumbled loudly to himself, making sure his brother couldn't help but overhear every word, "a lot can change while an ogre's … oh, I don't know … locked away in some crazy king's dungeon for a coupla years…"

Shrek winced at the oft-repeated accusation. "Look," he sighed, "I SAID I was sorry, OK? How many times do I hafta apologize?"

Cerul stopped and turned to face Shrek. "Ye call that an APOLOGY?" 

Donkey rolled his eyes. "Tell me about it!" he grumbled with a sympathetic nod to Cerul. "Listen to somebody that's been there, man -- ya might as well take what you can get. Apologies ain't exactly one of Shrek's strong points…"

Cerul snickered, but Shrek wasn't amused. "Stay out o' this, Donkey!" he snarled at the chuckling animal.

Now it was Cerul's turn to jump to Donkey's defense. "An' why SHOULD he?" he asked Shrek pointedly. "A guy's got a right t'speak his mind!"

"Such as it is…" Shrek guffawed.

"'_Such as it is'?_" the animal fumed. "I am insulted!" 

"Ye should be!" Cerul urged his newfound ally on.

"Don't YOU go puttin' ideas in HIS head!" Shrek countered, voice rising.

"See? He's callin' ye stupid again!"  
"I was NOT! I was just--"

"Yeah, ye're always 'just'--"

"That's IT!" Shrek roared, face purple with rage, the last of his tolerance with Cerul and his incessant needling exhausted. "I told Donkey," he growled, "an' now I'm tellin' you -- SHUT IT!"

Cerul was unfazed by the threat. "Or what?" he sneered. "Ye'll MAKE me?"

"As a matter o' fact," Shrek rumbled, rolling up his sleeves to reveal thick green arms, "yeah. I WILL."

Cerul's blue eyes narrowed, jaw clenched in defiance. "I'd like to see ye try it, Baldy," he scoffed as he reached up to pull his hat tight around his ears.

"Baldy?" Shrek echoed mockingly. "Is that the best ye've got?"

"What, don't like 'Baldy'?" Cerul retorted. "Well, then, how 'bout 'Cueball?' No? 'Chromedome,' maybe? Oh, I got it! Try THIS one: Big, stupid, ugly back-stabbing pain in the--"

"All right -- that's IT!" Shrek bellowed. "Let's go!"

Cerul sneered. "Bring it on, ye big oOOF!!!"

The wizard's final taunt was cut to a surprised grunt as the wind was knocked out of him by the considerable force of a very angry Shrek crashing into him at full charge. The brothers hit with a colossal splash, sending Donkey ducking for cover behind Fiona as a miniature deluge of river water fell around them.

"Hey!" she shrieked, trying in vain to shield herself from the downpour. "Oh, for…do we have to do this RIGHT NOW?"

The answer, apparently, was YES. Neither ogre acknowledged her protests, their attentions focused squarely on winning the sibling-versus-sibling scrap. The element of surprise had given Shrek the early edge -- an advantage that grew when he managed to yank Cerul's beloved hat over his eyes. The wizard was left to flail blindly with fists and torch alike, the swirling blue light giving the already absurd scene an almost surreal quality as Shrek danced just outside his brother's reach.

At last, the sorcerer managed to pull the hat free. He paused a moment, got his bearings, grinned -- and clamped one meaty blue hand over the torch.

"Hey!" Shrek yelped with surprise as the tunnel was plunged into darkness yet again. "That's not fai -- oh, fudge …"

The torch reignited with a burst of light and color -- just in time for Shrek to see Cerul no more than a couple feet away, and closing fast. Again, the ogres collided…

"Livestock overboard!" yelped Donkey as he bobbed and sputtered in the wake of the scuffle. "Sorta makes ya appreciate bein' an only child, huh, Princess?"

Fiona didn't answer as she watched the brawl with disdain but little real concern. She had seen Shrek in all his ogreish rage -- had watched in awe and horror during her rescue from Duloc as her husband-to-be dispatched at least a dozen of Farquaad's armored lackeys before their superior numbers at last overwhelmed him -- and this wasn't it. This…THIS was just sibling rivalry taken entirely too far, and as such, would no doubt be over in seconds.

But as the ogres scuffled, showing no sign of slowing as they exchanged enthusiastic if ineffective blows, the seconds turned to minutes. As they did, Fiona's patient waiting turned to eye-rolling, foot-tapping, decidedly IMPATIENT waiting.

Finally, she'd had enough.

"Oh, for the love of Pete…" she sighed, borrowing a favorite line from her husband's frequent grumblings. "Would you two PLEASE stop it? You're acting like a couple of…of CHILDREN!"

Her scoldings fell on deaf ears as the ogres continued to wrestle.

"Did you hear me, Shrek?"

If he did, he didn't answer. Instead, he wrapped his arms around Cerul's shaggy-haired head in an ogre-sized sleeper hold… 

"Shrek!"

…so Cerul responded by stomping on Shrek's foot, then cutting his yelp of pain short with a elbow to the gut…

"SHREK!"

…and Shrek retaliated with some decidedly unsportsmanlike hair-pulling…

"All right -- I have had ENOUGH!" Fiona roared, her patience, like the rest of her, exhausted. "Both of you stop this NOW!!!"

The fight was over before the echo of Fiona's command had even faded away, ogres frozen in mid-bout -- Shrek still with a handful of Cerul's red hair between his thick fingers, the wizard's hands wrapped around his brother's ears. Both were doing their best to escape the other's grasp while still maintaining their own grip, kept upright by spite and sheer willpower alone.

That didn't last.

Maybe (as Shrek would later claim) it was Cerul's unsteady feet that did it. And maybe (as Cerul would argue) it was Shrek's cumbersome bulk that kept the wizard from steadying himself. Either way, the ogres' impromptu balancing act soon collapsed in a shower of river water and curses.

Sputtering, the now thoroughly soaked siblings sat up -- and found themselves pinned under the withering glare of the royally peeved princess.

"Are you FINISHED?" Fiona asked, the tone of her voice making it clear what their answer should be. The two ogres looked at one another uncertainly…and nodded. The fight, merely the latest in a lengthy history of sibling skirmishes, was over -- for now. 

It was a fragile peace, to be sure. But Fiona would take it.

"Now," she continued as Shrek and Cerul climbed to their feet and set about the task of wringing out their waterlogged clothes as best they could, "assuming you two can act like ADULTS for a change, may we continue on our way?"

"Best idea I heard in hours…" Cerul huffed as he plopped his soggy and now all but shapeless cap back on his head and sloshed back to the front of the procession. "C'mon, everybody," he grunted, waving his makeshift magic torch in the direction of the darkness ahead, "this way!"

"Since you're so intent on playing tour guide, Cerul," the former ogress cooed as she and the others fell into step behind the wizard, "maybe you wouldn't mind answering a question or two while we walk?"

Cerul glanced over his shoulder at the princess, bushy red eyebrows arched in suspicion. "What KIND o' questions?" he asked warily.

"Well…" Fiona proceeded cautiously, having learned several times over during this latest adventure just how touchy a subject the past could be, "questions about your…story…before."

Behind her, Shrek groaned. "Oh, f'r…let it go, Fi…" he muttered under his breath, clearly less than overjoyed to hear the topic again revisited.

Fiona chose to ignore her husband's discomfort for the moment. "Don't get me wrong," she continued as Shrek fumed, "the story was very…INFORMATIVE. But you left out a few things here and there, a few gaps in--"

"GAPS?" Donkey snorted. "Man, there was holes big enough to drive a onion carriage an' a coupla blind horses through! An' let me tell you, I got a little experience in the horse an' carriage business. There we were--"

Fiona pressed a finger to Donkey's flapping lips, bringing his little anecdote to a quick conclusion. "We were HOPING you might be able to fill in some of those gaps," she finished the sentence for her excitable friend.

Cerul studied the princess (and she WAS a princess, despite her bedraggled appearance and gloomy surroundings, he reminded himself) with suspicion. He had dealt before with royalty and humanity alike -- and neither, in the wizard's experience, was particularly trustworthy. 

"All right," he grunted finally., "what 'gap' in particular's givin' ye trouble?"

"All of them, really," Fiona confessed. "But I guess the big one is -- why Shrek?"

"Why Shrek WHAT?"

"Why would Odius pick Shrek of all people for king?"

"Well…" the magician began hesitantly, torn between spiteful glee in airing his brother's dirty laundry and reflexive caution at being grilled by this…this HUMAN, "like I said before, Odius wasn't exactly the most popular guy in Slobberknob t'begin with. Sellin' everybody on the idea of a monarch was a minor miracle in itself -- if he'd thrown his OWN name out there f'r king, he'd have seen his big ideas disappear quicker than ye can say 'Rumplestiltskin.' What he needed, y'see, was a genuine, authentic ogre's ogre, somebody big an' strong an' scary -- somebody the mob'd be PROUD to have callin' the shots--"

Fiona smirked. "Sounds like Shrek to me…" she purred. Shrek's ears blushed red.

"--but who'd ALSO be willin' to go along with his plans for a kinder, gentler Slobberknob. A real law an' order type, if ye will. And Shrek here -- well, Odius figured he fit both bills to a big, green 'T'!"

Donkey sputtered and shook his head incredulously. "Shrek? Law an' order?" he chuckled. "I think ya got the wrong ogre, man. Weren't you listening to the story? This guy LAUGHS at law an' order! He's a rebel -- a wild man!"

"Oh, I'm sure he is -- when he's gettin' bossed around by HUMANS," Cerul sneered. "I'm sure with a bunch of torch-totin', pitchfork-happy HUMANS -- no offense, princess -- callin' the shots, he's turned into a regular outlaw. But back in his Slobberknob days … well, that's a whole 'nother story."

Donkey looked at Shrek, who was doing an earnest but ultimately unconvincing impression of an ogre who couldn't care less about the topic at hand, then back at Cerul -- and guffawed. "Sorry, man," he snickered, "but now _I_ ain't buyin' it! Shrek, law an' order? That's a good one…"

Fiona, though, wasn't quite so willing to dismiss the idea -- however unlikely it might be -- out of hand. "Is all of this true, Shrek?" she asked quietly.

Shrek looked down at her, his big brown eyes dark. "Well…yeah," he conceded, broad shoulders slumping in surrender. "Don't get me wrong -- I think Odius went WAAAAAAAY too far," he added quickly, swinging his arms wide to show just HOW too far Odius had gone. "But a couple o' rules here an' there wouldn't o' hurt the place. I mean, who doesn't want a little peace, a little quiet, a little PRIVACY now an' then?"

"Oh, here he goes with PRIVACY again…" Cerul groaned.

Fiona ignored the wizard. "But if you really wanted to make some changes," she asked Shrek, "why run away?"

"Yeah -- how 'bout that?" Cerul piped up with a wicked grin.

"You! Shut it!" Shrek bellowed with enough force to ripple the river's surface. "Look, Fiona," he turned from Cerul to look his wife in the eye, "I'd REALLY rather not talk about it -- at least not right this second. Can we PLEASE change the subject?"

"Hey, _I_ got a subject!" Donkey chimed in, shoving his way between ogre and wife as Cerul continued to walk along the river bed. "How 'bout, 'When the HECK are we gettin' outta these tunnels?' I'm goin' stir-crazy down here, man! I'm gonna crack up like Humpty Dumpty on the business end of a tall wall if I don't see the…the…what d'ya call that thing?"

Shrek and Fiona just stared at him in confusion.

"Oh, you know," he urged them on. "Big shiny thing, up in the sky? Comes up in the mornin'?"

"The SUN?" Fiona ventured a guess.

"Yeah, that's it! The sun! When's the next we're gonna see THAT bad boy, huh?"

Shrek stared down at Donkey, a pang of guilt growing in his gut. He hadn't meant to drag Donkey into all of this -- Fiona either, for that matter. He started to open his mouth to stammer an apology -- a REAL apology this time…

"Maybe sooner that ye think!"

Shrek's head swung around, his mouth still hanging open. Up ahead, Cerul grinned back at his comrades, torch casting eerie indigo shadows across his blue face.

"In fact, if that's what I THINK it is" -- the magician gestured further upstream, where something glinted in the torchlight -- "we could all be soakin' up rays before ye know it…"

---------------

"'_CAUTION: HOB AT WORK'…"_

Shrek squinted at the battered, hand-lettered sign stuck in the mud that had thankfully at last replaced the water beneath the foursome's feet (and hooves), as if staring at it hard enough would make the words magically make sense. 

So far, it wasn't working.

"'Hob'?" the ogre asked out loud, stumped. "Ye any idea what a…a 'hob' is, Fi?"

Fiona shrugged her shoulders sheepishly. "Sorry, honey -- I'm as stumped as you are on this o-Oh!"

Fiona yelped as Donkey bulled his way past her for a closer inspection. "'Hob'?" he asked impatiently, looking from Fiona to Shrek and back. 'What's a 'hob'?" 

Fiona sighed. "That's what we're TRYING to figure out, Donkey," she explained patiently, then added, "Maybe it's short for something, or misspelled…"

Donkey shook his head. "Well, ya got me," he confessed. "But hey! If it's 'spellin'' you're worried about," he tossed his head in the direction of Cerul, who was giving…_something_…a thorough once-over a couple dozen yards upstream, "why don't ya just ask Mr. Wizard over there? Get it? Wizard? Spellin'?"

He stared up expectantly at Shrek and Fiona, waiting for a laugh. Somewhere, a cave cricket chirped, its shrill call all too clear in the silence.

"Man -- tough crowd…" 

"Not a bad idea, though," Fiona reassured him. "Shrek?"

Shrek groaned and rolled his eyes. "But, Fi…" he started to argue, but it was clear the battle was already lost. "Yeah, like HE's gonna be any help," the ogre grumbled to himself as he stomped off toward his brother, the sound of Fiona's chuckling fading away behind him.

"Hey, Cer!" he called out as he drew closer. "Any idea what…wha…"

Shrek's jaw dropped as he stared up at the contraption that had captured Cerul's attentions. It was a PIPE -- or to be more precise, hundreds of pipes of every size, shape and material imaginable, pounded together into a single, massive column that stretched from stony ceiling to muddy river bed. It LOOKED solid enough, but the whistle of steam escaping from between ill-fitting joints, the cacophony of plops and pings from countless tiny and not-so-tiny leaks escaping their cracked and rusting channels were enough to give the ogre pause -- as was the spectacle of his brother, shaggy brows knitted and tongue hanging out in concentration, with his arm buried up to the shoulder in the labyrinth of pipes as he searched blindly for something within.

"What the heck is THAT?!!"

"This?" Cerul grunted as he continued to feel around within the metal maze. "THIS is plumbing. What, don't ye have plumbin' in Duloc?"

"Yeah," Shrek huffed, "Um…well, I do anyway. Outhouse, hot an' cold runnin' mud for the shower -- ye name it, I got it."

"So I've heard…"

Shrek just scowled. "But isn't that an awful lot o' pipes?"

"Hey," Cerul snorted, "ye can't water a whole city with just one pipe, now can ye?"

"The whole city?" Shrek gasped. "Ye mean EVERYBODY in Slobberknob's got runnin' water?"

Cerul nodded. "Yep, an' most of the outlyin' area, too, by decree o' King Odius hisself. Now," the magician grunted as he forced his arm deeper, "ye were…oof!…gonna ask me somethin'?"

"Oh…uh…yeah," Shrek sputtered as he took another nervous look around the tunnel. "Ye got any idea what a 'hob' is? Sign back there" -- he thumbed back over his shoulder to where Fiona and Donkey waited -- "said there's supposed t'be one workin' around here somewhere…"

"Hob?" Cerul snorted. "Sure, I know Hob. Who d'ye think I'm standin' here tryin' to get o-OOOOOOOW!!"

Shrek stared in shocked silence as Cerul howled with pain and surprise, trying desperately to free his arm. The magician began to panic, his attempts to extricate himself growing more frantic until, at last, the limb slipped free with an audible *POP*.

Cerul's troubles, though, were far from over.

Now that the ogre's arm was out of the pipes, everyone could see the source of his obvious discomfort. Hanging from his arm by its teeth was some sort of growling, gnawing…THING. Just what sort of "thing" was impossible to say -- especially once Cerul began to dash around the tunnel in panicked circles as he shook the besieged arm furiously, reducing his assailant to a wildly flailing blur.

"Get it off!" Cerul shrieked as he fought to dislodge the beast, with no success. "Get if off! Get it OFF!!!"

"I'm TRYING!" Shrek snapped back as he struggled to keep up with his spinning, sprinting brother. "But ye…would ye please…yer gonna have to…look, I can't help ye if ye don't -- STOP!"

Shrek lunged, and by sheer luck alone his fingers closed around the legs of Cerul's attacker. Whether it was the combined force of his grip and Cerul's speed, or whether the creature had just gotten bored with worrying the wizard, Shrek couldn't say -- but either way, the result was the same. Cerul's assailant -- and most of his sleeve -- were torn free, momentum sending both ogres sprawling and the pipe-beast sailing across the passageway until the far wall brought its flight to a halt with the sickening *SMACK* of flesh and blood against unforgiving stone.

The four escapees winced at the impact, but the creature seemed unfazed. It landed on its feet and in the blink of an eye was sprinting back toward the safety of the pipes. It was FAST -- far faster than seemed possible on its stumpy legs.

But Fiona was faster.

The princess darted forward to catch the thing in mid-sprint, holding the creature safely at arm's length as it kicked and cursed and struggled in vain to free itself.

"THIS," Fiona asked, nose crinkling in disgust, "is what all the fuss was about?"

The thing that hung at the end of Fiona's arm was tiny -- barely a foot tall and light enough that the ex-ogress had no trouble holding it up with one hand. Judging by its pale, mottled skin, she doubted the creature very often saw the light of day; taking into account the huge, pinkish eyes that glared back at her, it seemed entirely possible it had never seen daylight at all. With its huge, dish-like ears and upturned nose, the creature resembled nothing so much as a huge, overalls-clad BAT, and a TALKING one at that -- though, for now at least, its vocabulary appeared limited to words of the four-letter variety.

"Huh," Donkey sighed, leaning in to better size up Fiona's diminutive captive. "Ya know," he offered, glancing over his shoulder at Cerul, "it looked a lot bigger an' scarier when it was hanging on your arm an' you was all screaming and running around an' everything." Donkey gave the thing another look, squinting at their undersized foe. "Blurrier, too," he added. "So what is it?"

"THAT," Cerul groaned as he rubbed his still-stinging arm, "would be Hob."

At the sound of Cerul's voice, Fiona's prisoner stopped its struggles, craning its neck for a better look at the wizard. "Oh! Hey, Blue!" the creature croaked in a surprisingly deep, gravelly voice. It looked back at Fiona. "Ya mind, toots?"

The princess let go with a shriek of surprise, wiping her hand on the tattered fabric of her dress as Hob dropped to the ground, mud squishing beneath his heavy leather workboots.

"Thanks," he grunted, tipping his faded denim cap to Fiona. "I ain't much for heights."

Shrek stomped forward. "An' just WHO are you, now?" the ogre demanded, glaring down at the tiny creature.

"Name's Hobnail T. Lugnut -- but you can call me Hob. In fact," he leered up at Fiona, giving the flabbergasted princess a conspiratorial wink, "YOU can call me anytime you want!"

Before Fiona could respond to Hob's advances, Donkey broke in, chuckling to himself. "I get it!" he laughed, grinning down at the creature. "You're a GOBLIN, an' your name's HOB! Hob Goblin! That's pretty fuUMPH!!"

A stubby finger in the snout shocked Donkey into silence. "Hey, watch your mouth, fourlegs!" Hob growled. "Call me 'goblin' one more time, an' I swear I'm gonna--"

Fiona shook her head in confusion. "Wait a second -- I'm lost," she sighed, raising a hand to halt Hob's threats. "So you're NOT a goblin?"

Hob snorted. "Not a chance, babe." He drew himself up to his full height (such as it was), stubble-rough chin out, chest swelling with pride. "I'm Grade A, 100 percent GREMLIN!" he boasted. "I wouldn't touch a goblin with a ten-foot plumber's snake -- buncha lazy, primitive good-for-nuthins, hardly bother to poke their heads outta their little caves and hidey-holes. I ask you -- ya ever hear of a goblin putting in a decent day's work in your life?"

Fiona looked pleadingly over Hob's head to Shrek, but the ogre just shrugged helplessly. "Well, no," she stammered. "I-I guess not…"

"Well, there ya go!" Hob crowed triumphantly. "Goblins! Ptooie!"

Fiona jumped back just in time to avoid the slimy wad of gremlin spit, which hit just inches from the princess' still ogre-sized shoes, now several sizes too large.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it -- gremlins good, goblins bad," Shrek groused. He'd endured the gremlin's little speech with quiet impatience, but now he was ready to get back on the road to Duloc. "Now, can ye give us a hand gettin' OUT o' here?"

"Y'know, a hand?" Cerul sneered. "Like that thing ye were tryin' to gnaw off a minute ago?"

Hob crossed his arms, scowling. "And how's a goblin supposed to know that was YOUR hand poking around in there -- huh, Blue?"

"Enough with the 'Blue' already!" Cerul huffed. "I've got a name, too, ye know."

Hob snorted. "I got a name for ye, all right. It's--"

"Soooo…" Fiona interrupted before Hob could spit out whatever epithet he was preparing, "I take it you two know each other?"

Cerul nodded. "Oh, sure," he answered. "Hob here does pretty much all the pipework in Slobberknob -- like I said before, we ogres ain't much for plumbin'. He used t'stop in three, four times a year on Wizards' Row. Ogres can be pretty rough on a sewer, as ye can probably imagine -- not that ye'd want to."

Donkey's long face scrunched up in disgust. "Ya got that right!" the animal agreed. "One outhouse is bad enough -- but a whole SEWER?" He shuddered, shaking his head as if trying to rattle the thought loose.

"Speaking of the Row," Hob changed the subject, much to the relief of all involved, "what are you doing down HERE instead of up THERE? They let you out early or something?"

Cerul blushed, scratching the back of his head self-consciously. "Somethin' like that. I sorta…let myself out early."

Hob groaned, cradling his head in gloved hands. "Great," he sighed. "I gotta buncha jailbirds on my hands. Well," he sighed, "I'm willing to give a guy a break -- but if anybody, and I mean ANYBODY asks, I didn't have Jack Sprat to do with this. Last thing I need is to lose this sweet government gig."

Shrek looked Hob over, sizing up the gremlin handyman. "So let me get this straight," the ogre said at last. "Odius hired a GREMLIN t'do his plumbin'?"

Hob nodded. "Among other things. Really, I pretty much do whatever needs doing -- construction, maintenance, repairs--"

"REPAIRS?" Shrek sputtered. "But aren't gremlins supposed to -- ye know -- BREAK things?"

"Sure. And I do -- especially when people get on my bad side by sticking their big, blue mitts where they don't belong," Hob answered, shooting an accusatory glare in the direction of Cerul. "But only a complete IDIOT would break something he couldn't fix. You're not callin' me an idiot -- ARE ya?"

"No, he's not," Cerul answered for Shrek. "Now, ye said you'd be willin' to give a guy a break. Any chance ye could get us all topside?"

Hob scratched his stubbly chin. "Yeah, I think I could manage that," the gremlin said after a moment's thought. "Just give me a second, OK?"

With that, Hob disappeared once more into the pipeline. For a second, Shrek feared that Cerul's shady acquaintance had made good his escape, but the sound of clanging pipes and half-muttered, half-shouted gremlin curses announced Hob's continued presence.

Still…

"I don't know how this guy thinks he's gonna help," Shrek whispered to Cerul as they waited for Hob to reappear. "It's not like we can just go shootin' up these pipes like Jack on one o' those economy-size beanstalks ye're always hearin' about. What we need is something' a little more roomy -- roomy and FAST. Somethin' like a--"

*DING!*

A tiny bell sounded from somewhere within the rock wall to the ogres' left. Both brothers turned just in time to see perfectly camouflaged twin doors slide open with a hiss to reveal a small, wood-paneled room, the faint sound of piped-in (maybe literally, it occurred to Shrek) music wafting through the air. It'd be a tight squeeze, but it was a lot better than a sewer pipe.

"Ye were sayin'?" Cerul asked with a sly grin as he stepped inside and slapped the "UP" button, holding the doors as first Shrek, then Fiona and finally Donkey crowded inside.

As the elevator's doors began to slide shut, Hob stuck his head out from with his pipework haven. "Try to keep outta trouble this time around, eh, Blue?" he called out as the doors closed and the lift lurched to life. "And careful with that first step -- it's a DOOZY…"


	17. Ogres About Town

Ogres About Town

_"I thought love was only true in fairy tales … meant for someone else but not for me…"_

Shrek cringed as an unseen speaker crackled to life, filling the elevator with the bouncy tune. It wasn't that he didn't like the song. He did -- or at least, he HAD the first million times or so he'd heard it. But since those seven dwarves had hit the big time, it seemed he couldn't go anywhere -- even somewhere as far out of the way as Slobberknob -- without hearing it. He'd never been much on singing himself, and he had even less tolerance for others' attempts. And when it was the same tune over … and over … and over …

__

"…love was out to get me … that's the way it seemed …"

He shifted his weight uncomfortably from one foot to the other in vain search of a few more precious inches of "personal space" in the crowded compartment. With two ogres, one willowy princess and a donkey, it was a tight fit; had Fiona still boasted her more … substantial … ogress figure, Shrek doubted the foursome could have fit at all. As things were, it was shaping up to be an uncomfortable and impossibly long journey from the depths of Hob's tunnels--

(To WHERE exactly? Shrek wondered. The pint-sized plumber had assured them that the lift would carry them all "topside" to Slobberknob. Just where in the ogre city they'd emerge, though, the gremlin had conveniently forgotten to mention.

An' the LAST thing this bunch needs is any more surprises Shrek thought to himself dourly. Like we haven't had enough of THOSE already…

__

"…disappointment haunted all my dreams …"

He glanced down at Fiona, who was shoehorned between her husband and brother-in-law, arms pinned to her sides by the ogres' bulk. She looked tired -- who wasn't? -- and impatient, again understandable considering the circumstances. Beyond the obvious, though, Shrek was having his usual difficulties, and then some, getting any sort of read on her mood. He often struggled to figure his royal spouse out, even in the best of times; between his own exhaustion and his wife's transformation, which made interpreting her body language a dicey enterprise at best, the odds were hopelessly against the ogre.

__

"…then I saw her face … now I'm a believer …"

Suddenly, Fiona's eyes were on him, and a wry grin played across her lips. "They're playing our song…" she whispered teasingly. Shrek nodded but didn't answer. "Hey," she said quietly, noticing Shrek's pensive mood, "shilling for your thoughts?"

Shrek rolled his eyes roof ward. "Assumin' we ever get back t'Duloc to spend it?"

Fiona's princess smile soured into the pursed lips of a seriously worried wife. The recent turn of events had been tough on everybody, but it wasn't the first time they'd found themselves in hot water. Still, this particular misadventure seemed to be wearing on her usually steadfast husband more than most, and that bothered her. This band of friends -- no this FAMILY -- depended on Shrek, and if they were going to find a way out of this mess, they'd need the courageous if curmudgeonly ogre they all knew and loved leading the way.

"Don't worry -- everything will be FINE. You'll see," she reassured her dispirited spouse. Shrek's frown faded as he felt Fiona's again petite hand slip into his. Their fingers -- his thick and green, hers slender and pale -- entwined, her head coming to rest against his broad shoulder.

_"…not a trace … a doubt in my mind …"_

Shrek exhaled, allowing himself to relax just a little. Maybe things weren't SO bad at that. After all, everyone had made it through the insanity they'd faced so far un_harmed_, if not un_changed_, and that was the important thing, right? And they'd weather whatever challenges were to come when they came. For now, though, he was content to just enjoy this brief respite with the woman he loved.

_"…I'm in love …ooooh, I'm a believer … I couldn't leave her if I tried…"_

---------------

DING!

Too soon, the couple's little moment was gone, the pealing of an unseen bell and the squeak of opening doors announcing an end to this leg of their journey. Sunlight poured into the cramped elevator, bathing its passengers in the golden glow of the long-absent sun.

"Ground floor!" Donkey crowed as he forced his way toward the doors. Sunlight, fresh air and --"

Before he could manage more than a couple steps (OR words), Donkey found his forward motion brought to a quick stop as Shrek's hand fell heavily on the animal's hairy hindquarters.

"Better let me go first, Donkey," Shrek warned him. "Considerin' our other options are … lessee … a talkin' donkey, a human princess an' the Technicolor wizard here, I think I'm jus' a LITTLE less likely t' draw attention, hmmmm?

Donkey nodded, easing aside to let Shrek through. "Yeah, OK -- go ahead. But remember what that little guy said about the first--"

Donkey's next words were literally drowned out as Shrek disappeared from view and a geyser of water erupted from just beyond the elevator doors, forcing the three remaining travelers to retreat as best they could toward the back of the tiny compartment or risk another drenching. Once the coast was clear (and dry), Donkey, then Fiona and finally Cerul poked their heads over the edge of the doorframe. A few feet below, Shrek lay sprawled in the basin of what appeared to be a fountain, soaked to the green skin yet again. The water surged under the ogre's impact, waves lapping the brick-lined edges of the shallow pool.

Shrek looked furious, but Donkey couldn't help but enjoy seeing the ogre's self-inflicted payback for his faithful steed's unexpected swim a few hours earlier.

"Ha!" Donkey brayed as Shrek struggled to his feet. "Ain't so funny NOW, is it? Think about THAT the next time ya tell somebody you gonna catch 'em, then ya go an'--"

"Let it go, Donkey," Fiona quietly chastised her miffed friend, mussing his bristling mane affectionately.

"All right, all right," the sulking Donkey conceded, giving Shrek one last dirty look for good measure. "Y'know," he hissed at the ogre, "you're just lucky Fiona's around t'cover your big green butt. If SHE wasn't here, I'd--"

"Donkey…"

"Right. Sorry," Donkey mumbled sheepishly as he stepped aside. Fiona leaned over the edge and smiled at Shrek. "So…" she asked coyly, reaching out to her waterlogged husband, "care to rescue a damsel in distress?"

Shrek grinned despite his soggy situation. "Well, it's no tallest tower, but what the hey…" he laughed, then gave a exaggerated bow so deep that his bald head brushed the water's still rippling surface. "As ye command, yer highness…"

Fiona stepped from the elevator, Shrek's strong hands firmly around her newly narrow waist, and was swept effortlessly from the cramped confines of the elevator to the cobblestones of the seemingly deserted town square beyond the fountain.

Fiona safely on solid ground, Shrek turned back to the elevator and Donkey, stretching out his thick arms to beckon his furry friend down.

Donkey, though, had other ideas.

"Nuh-uh! No way, man!" Donkey scoffed at the offer of aid. "Fool me one … uh … well, about par for the course. Fool me TWICE, though--"

"Look -- I promise, no funny stuff, OK?" Shrek hissed, getting antsy as he glanced around the empty courtyard. They were alone, for now -- but who knew how long THAT would last?

Donkey studied the ogre's face warily, fearing another prank. "You promise?" he asked, suspicion thick in his voice.

Shrek nodded. "I promise."

"Really?"

"Really, really."

Donkey looked unconvinced. "Princess?" he asked, looking past Shrek to the waiting Fiona. She shook her head in agreement. "He promises," she reassured the high-strung steed with a meaningful glance at Shrek.

"Well … OK, if YOU say so," Donkey gave in. He snuck one last peek at the drop to the water below, took a deep breath -- and jumped. Sure enough, Shrek's fingers closed tight around his airborne friend, snatching him up in mid-flight.

"Whew! Nice catch, Shrek!" Donkey sighed with relief -- relief that quickly turned to panic as a sly grin spread across Shrek's face. He felt the ogre's grip loosen ever so slightly. "Uh, Shrek…?"

"Shrek…"

Shrek winced. Although his back was to her, he could imagine Fiona standing behind him, hands on her belt-draped hips, blue eyes narrowing as her best royal glare burned a hole in the back of his skull. With what Donkey later swore was a whimper, Shrek turned and placed the animal safely on the ground next to the princess. "See?" he asked, giving Donkey a pat on the head for good measure, "safe an' sound --as promised. Cerul?"

The wizard poked his head out from the elevator's interior. "Comin'!" he called out as he mashed the "DOWN" button. A split-second before the doors slammed shut, he leapt from his perch above the trio, clearing the water completely and landing with a thud and a grunt on the street below.

Behind him, the elevator sank from view into the "depths" of the basin and beyond. As it did, the rough stone statue that crowned the lift settled again into place atop its pedestal in the center of the fountain. Within a few seconds, a steady stream of water was pouring out from between the figure's puckered lips, splashing noisily back into the pool below.

"Hey! It's that Throwback guy again!" Donkey exclaimed, recognizing the expectorating statue from his earlier visit -- seemingly years ago, though in reality it couldn't have been more than a couple of days. "Guess that greasy little gremlin knew what he was talkin' about after all…"

"Yeah -- score one for Hob," Shrek grumbled as he surveyed their surroundings. Slobberknob had been pretty quiet -- all right, REALLY quiet -- the last time around, but it'd been positively bustling compared to now. NO one was around -- which, Shrek had to admit, wasn't exactly a bad thing considering the group's status as fugitives from ogre justice.

Shrek felt the gentle weight of Fiona's hand on his arm. "Now what?" she asked expectantly.

"Now?" Shrek answered, pausing a heartbeat for effect. "Now, we head straight to those caves and on t'Dul--"

"Ahem!"

Donkey cleared his throat, drawing the attention of ogre and princess alike. Shrek sighed. "Do ye have somethin' ye'd like t'share with the class, Donkey?" he asked half-mockingly.

"As a matter o' fact, I DO," Donkey sniffed indignantly. "Maybe you forgot, but there's a big ol' ROCK between those caves an' us. Did ya think about THAT, huh?"

Shrek scowled. "Honestly? I DID forget about the rock," he admitted. "But with three ogres, I think we--"

A tug on his still-wet sleeve cut Shrek short. Fiona looked up at him, her face a mix of bemusement and embarrassment. With a little half-smile, she held up two fingers to remind her husband of her current … _condition_.

"Oh. Right," he apologized. "Well … even with just TWO ogres, we should still be able to--"

"Uh, Shrek?"

"The ogre groaned. "Yes, Donkey?"

"I don't mean to annoy ya…"

Shrek recoiled in mock surprise. "You? Annoy ME?" he asked sarcastically.

"OK, OK -- no need t'get all snippy," Donkey scolded. "I was just gonna say, I don't mean to annoy ya, BUT … ya might wanna check that math again, 'cause I'm only countin' ONE ogre."

Donkey nodded past Shrek. While the ogre had been arguing arithmetic, his brother the would-be wizard had slipped away. Cerul now stood at the far end of the town square, studying street signs that hadn't been there the last time he'd walked the streets of Slobberknob.

Not wanting to yell and risk drawing attention to their outlaw band, Shrek sprinted across the court, Fiona and Donkey close at his heels. He stopped a few feet short of Cerul, who still stood deep in thought at the foot of the signpost.

"Cerul?" Shrek panted, a little out of breath from the run, "where in Grimm's name do ye think ye're goin'?"

Cerul sneered. "For yer information, I've got a few things t'pick up while I'm in town."

"A few…" Shrek started to ask before trailing off in disbelief. "Look, ye can window-shop later! Right now, I'd like t'get home -- an' the LAST thing we need is t'be splittin' up."

"Fine -- tag along if ye want to," Cerul shrugged as started down one of the many side streets winding away from the central square. "Consider it a stroll down memory lane…"

---------------

"I want this road cordoned off NOW! Do I make myself clear?"

The soldier nodded, horned helmet slipping back and forth on his close-shorn head. "Y-yes, sir! General Grunder, sir!" he stuttered, then turned to glare back at his equally cowed comrades. "You heard the ogre -- put up those road blocks on the double!" he barked. Hurriedly, the other grunts went to work dragging several heavy wooden frames -- freshly painted black and yellow stripes still glistening, torches burning beneath crude yellow bulbs -- across the dirt path stretching from Slobberknob to the caves above.

Grunder nodded his approval and continued uphill. The ogre warlord was NOT in a good mood. He didn't like prisoners -- especially THESE particular prisoners -- escaping on his watch.

And it doesn't help he thought sourly to himself that I can't so much as take a stroll around my base camp without tripping over-- 

"ODIUS!"

Grunder stumbled to a halt as the monarch suddenly appeared in front of him. The older ogre didn't look much happier than Grunder, and if HE wasn't happy … well, he usually saw to it that no one else unfortunate to cross his path was, either.

"That's KING Odius to you, general," Odius corrected his lieutenant. "Everything proceeding according to plan, I trust?"

Grunder pulled himself up to his impressive full height, back ramrod straight, chin out. "Of course, Your Highness," he answered stiffly. "The town in under lockdown, roadblocks are being erected as we speak, and as for the cave itself, sentries have been posted--"

"How many?"

Grunder looked at the king in confusion. "Milord?"

"Don't 'milord' me, Grunder," Odius growled. "Just answer the question: How many sentries?"

"Just the two, mi-I mean, Your Highness."

"And you're CERTAIN that will be sufficient?"

Grunder hesitated, teeth grinding, his scarred brow knitting in silent rage at Odius' interrogation. King or not, who was Odius to question HIS command decisions? "I am, Your Highness," he answered at last. "New sentries will be rotated in throughout the night to provide fresh eyes for lookout. And if those … _traitors _… are foolish enough to show their faces, my troops have been instructed to raise the alarm immediately. There may only be two of my men there when the escapees ARRIVE, sire -- but I assure you, there will be considerably more long before our quarry manage to move that last roadblock" -- he gestured toward the cave mouth and the massive boulder wedged within -- "and DEPART."

Odius scowled but nodded. "I hope you're right, general," the kind said softly as he slipped past Grunder and headed back toward Slobberknob and, assumedly, his distant castle. "For YOUR sake…"

---------------

Shrek and company quickly learned that despite first appearances, they were NOT alone on the empty streets of Slobberknob. In fact, more than once they found themselves diving for cover just seconds ahead of one of Grunder's foot patrols, confirming what each had silently feared for some time: Odius knew they'd escaped and was actively searching for them. Still, Shrek and Cerul seemed to have at least a rough idea of where they were headed -- although Fiona couldn't help but wonder if, considering the time and the changes since the ogre siblings had last spent any appreciable time in the city, whether they would even recognize what they were looking for when and if they found it.

As it turned out, recognizing their destination was the easiest part of the whole quest.

"THAT's what we been lookin' for?" Donkey sputtered as he took in the spectacle before them. "An' it took us THIS long to find it? Man, I bet you can see that thing from SPACE!"

'That thing' was a treehouse -- not some ogre child's scrap-lumber lair, but a huge, ancient hardwood tree (or what was left of it, anyway) reshaped into something at least roughly resembling a house. Holes carved into the trunk served as windows, complete with scraggly weeds struggling to survive in long-untended window boxes. Rough stone steps led up to a patchwork front door, a badly sagging overhang pounded together from old logs protecting the tiny porch from sun and rain alike. Thick, leafy vines snaked their emerald way across the face of the massive trunk, from its gnarled roots all the way to where one would have expected branches, or at least a roof.

But there were no branches, nor a roof. Instead, the trunk ended abruptly in a crown of jagged timbers charred a deep, smoky charcoal.

And THAT was about the most natural color to be found on the deciduous-turned-domicile. Most of the trunk was an unnaturally vibrant PINK, peppered here and there with spots of sunny YELLOW -- both far too deeply ingrained in the wood to be mere paint.

Fiona blinked, the tree's spots dancing before her eyes. "Uh, wow…" she said at last. "That's an … _interesting _… choice of colors. Is it SUPPOSED to look like that?"

Shrek shook his head. "That would be a 'no,'" he answered with a chuckle.

"Whew! THAT's good to know!" Fiona laughed. "So what happened?"

Shrek thumbed in Cerul's direction. "What d'ye THINK happened?" he sneered as he started toward the house next door to the towering eyesore. By comparison, this neighboring home looked incredibly normal -- by ogre standards, anyway. It was a squat, one-story shack not unlike Shrek and Fiona's own home, thrown together from boulders, logs, mud and seemingly whatever else was laying around. Still, with its once-white, though now mildewed, picket fence and tidy though thorny hedge, it exuded its own kind of charm -- not exactly inviting, Fiona thought to herself, but certainly not foreboding.

At least, not until one noticed the huge crocodile asleep in the front yard.

Fiona started to call out to Shrek, to warn him of the danger, but decided against it for fear of waking the slumbering beast.

For his part, Shrek was doing his best to be stealthy, sneaking up the walk on ogre tip-toes. After what seemed to Fiona like hours, he reached the door and raised a fist to tap, ever so lightly--

zzzzzzzzzzzzzSNORT!

The crocodile opened one yellow eye, sliver of a pupil scanning the yard. Shrek saw the creature awake, but it was too late -- it saw HIM, too. A growl rumbling low in its throat, the croc uncurled and launched itself at the trespasser. Fiona screamed and Donkey hid his eyes as Shrek disappeared beneath the scaly green blur--

"All right, all right -- I GIVE!"

Donkey cracked one eye, bracing himself for some grisly scene of croc-inflicted carnage -- although, he had to admit, Shrek didn't SOUND like he was being eaten alive. In fact, it almost sounded like he was … laughing?

Opening the other eye, Donkey snuck a peek in the direction of Shrek's voice. The ogre was struggling to extricate himself from the crocodile, which was perched on top of him like some overeager house pet -- broad tail wagging happily, slobbery tongue hanging limply from between powerful, tooth-lined jaws.

"Shrek?" Donkey heard Fiona ask. The princess looked as scared and confused as he was; Cerul, in contrast, was absolutely beaming.

"Sorry if we scared ye, Fi," Shrek apologized as he finally managed to shove the crocodile aside and stood up, wiping a few stray strands of croc saliva from his face. "Never could sneak past ol' Tock here…"

"Tock?"

Shrek nodded. "Yeah, that's his name -- Tock."

Donkey pondered this for a second, then he grinned. "Ooooooh -- I get it now! 'Cause he's like a watchdog, right? A … a watchGATOR! That it?"

"Well…" Shrek answered after a pause. "More like … a CLOCKodile."

"Clockodile?"

Shrek patted the clearly overjoyed pet's head. "Go ahead," he offered in place on an explanation. "Have a listen."

Donkey took a few cautious steps toward the beast. At Shrek's urging, he pressed one floppy gray ear against its yellow-striped belly. Sure enough, just audible above the sound of the crocodile's panting and heartbeat was the steady tick-tock of an old alarm clock.

Donkey jumped back in surprise, then leaned back in -- just to make sure he wasn't hearing things. It was definitely a clock! He shook his shaggy head in disbelief. "This thing eats CLOCKS?" he asked incredulously.

"Among other things," Shrek answered ominously, pointing across the lawn to a huge red food dish, "TOCK" scrawled across it in white block letters. A tangle of unidentifiable, well-gnawed bones jutted out from within, with several more scattered around the yard. "Just t'be on the safe side," the ogre warned, "I'd advise keepin' yer hands hooves to yerself."

Donkey blanched and backed away. "I'd just LOVE t'stay an' get t'know your … uh … man-eatin' buddy here," he stammered as he made a hasty retreat to the relative safety of Fiona's side, "but I think I better head back over this way an'… an' protect the princess. Faithful steed stuff -- you know how it is…"

Shrek just shrugged and headed back up the steps to the front door. Again, he raised one heavy green fist --

-- and again, he never got the chance to knock. Before he could bring the fist down, the door swung open to reveal a stooped but scary-looking ogress in housecoat and curlers. "For the last time," she screeched in a raspy hiss of a voice as she waved a rolled-up newspaper menacingly, "get offa my lawn, you little -- SHREK!?!"

Shrek opened his mouth to answer but managed only a yelp of pain and surprise as the ogress grabbed him by one tapered ear and half-dragged, half-threw him into the house. Eyes darting about wildly, she scanned the yard, then gestured sharply to the rest of the group.

"Get inside!" she ordered, pointing to the still-open door behind her. "NOW!"

---------------


	18. This Old House

**__**

Chapter 18

"This Old House"

SLAM!

CLICK!

SNAP!

The ogress' gnarled hands were a blur as she slammed the door shut behind them, dropping her paper and setting to work securing a dizzying series of locks and deadbolts, making certain nobody else would be coming through the front door unless SHE wanted them to. When every lock was locked and every latch latched, she spun to face a terrified-looking Shrek and Cerul.

"So," she growled, hazel eyes flashing behind the half-moon lenses of her almost comically tiny reading glasses, "what did you boys do NOW?"

Shrek gulped nervously and looked at Cerul, who shrugged helplessly, too scared to take his eyes off their interrogator. "Well…" the older ogre stammered, "Y'see, we--"

The ogress threw up her hands in surrender, waving off Shrek's explanation. "Never mind," she muttered as as she shuffled toward the nearest window. "I'm probably better off not knowing…"

She stuck her head between the leathery drapes, taking another look around the seemingly abandoned neighborhood. Satisfied they weren't being watched, she pulled the curtains back together so tight that not even so much as a single drop of sunshine managed to find its way through.

With Shrek and Cerul's help, the ogress continued to seal off the house from the outside world, giving the as yet unnoticed Fiona a chance to better study the humble hovel and its oddly intimidating inhabitant.  
Much like its exterior, the home's interior was tidy enough, at least by ogre standards. They were standing in what Fiona assumed was a sort of sitting room, complete with ratty leather-clad couch, overstuffed recliner and a low wooden coffee table covered in old magazines like those in Odius' waiting room. One wall was draped with a tapestry of dubious quality showing a group of crocodiles engaged in some sort of ogre card game; another wall was dominated by a huge fireplace, a procession of framed snapshots and dusty knickknacks lining the mantle.

The home's owner, likewise, looked unremarkable, but Fiona couldn't help but be a little unnerved by the power she seemed to have over her husband and his otherwise obstinate brother. The ogress looked old enough to be their mother, though Shrek certainly would have mentioned a little detail like that -- wouldn't he have? She wasn't particularly tall -- in fact, Fiona guessed she had the older woman beat by a couple inches at least -- or powerful-looking. In a badly worn housecoat and faded slippers, her bottle-bronzed hair a tangle of knots and split ends held together by curlers the same gaudy pink as the house next door, she wasn't another ogre royal, either, Fiona decided. So why were Shrek and Cerul so quick to obey?

Fiona was still pondering that question a moment later when the ogres finished their work, every last window shut tight, every curtain drawn, plunging the room into near-darkness.

But not near-silence.

"Man, you ogres an' your PRIVACY!" Donkey whistled. "It's not like people are exactly linin' up at your door or anything -- well, except for that one time at Shrek's place …"

For the first time since their arrival, the group's mysterious rescuer (if that was, in fact, what she was) seemed to notice her non-ogre guests. Her jaw dropped, eyes wide as she adjusted her spectacles for a better look at her visitors.

"What" the ogress finally managed to spit out, "is that?"

Shrek smiled. "Don't mind him," the ogre reassured her. "That's just Donkey. He's harmless -- ANNOYIN' as all get-out, but harmless."

The ogress snorted. "Don't you think I know what a donkey is?" she scolded. "But…" the confused Shrek protested, "ye just ASKED what--"

"Not HIM," she cut Shrek off with a nod to Donkey. "THAT thing!"

She thrust a single accusatory finger in Fiona's direction. The princess just stared back at the ogress in stunned silence for a second, taking in the whole surreal scene, then …

"THING?" she gasped indignantly, returning her accuser's disgusted glare. "I am NOT a 'thing,' you … you …"

Sensing a bad situation about to get much worse, Shrek chose to throw himself into the line of fire. "Fiona, _dear_, this is Miasma -- she used t'rent us the place next door."

Fiona forced herself to smile and extended a hand. "Pleased to meet you, Miasma," she managed through gritted teeth. Miasma took the hand and gave it a limp shake. "Call me Mimi," she responded pleasantly enough, though her expression betrayed her TRUE feelings.

"An' THIS," Shrek announced grandly to Miasma, throwing an arm around the still fuming Fiona and pulling her close to his side, "is my WIFE, Fiona."

Miasma shook her head, appalled. "Wife? Oh, _Shrek_…" she clucked disapprovingly. "I knew you weren't much in the romance department--"

Shrek cringed. "Why does everybody keep SAYIN' that?" he lamented.

"--but, honey…" Mimi continued without bothering to answer, "well, LOOK at her! All skin and bones! And these -- you call these ears? And don't even get me STARTED on the color! As if your brother wasn't bad enough…"

"Now wait just one minute!" Cerul yelped at the affront, jumping up from his seat on the couch, but Miasma didn't seem to notice his protest anymore than she'd noticed Shrek's a moment earlier. "Still," she continued, "I guess you boys are old enough to make your own mistakes. So … married, hmmmm? Is THAT where you ran off to?"

All faces turned to Shrek. "Um…not _exactly_," the ogre stammered, wilting under the weight of the four pairs of eyes staring at him. "Actually, it's kind of a long story--"

Mimi snorted. "I've got time, hon," she chuckled. "After all, I've been waiting for your last rent check for how many years now? And it's not like anybody ELSE is gonna move into that monstrosity next door. Nobody wants to so much as step foot in the place -- to be honest, I probably haven't been in there a half-dozen times myself since you two up and vanished on me."

Cerul had been silently pouting since the landlady's earlier insult, but his ears perked up at this latest bit of information. "So nobody's been in there?" the wizard asked excitedly, suddenly interested in the conversation. "All our stuff's still inside?"

"I guess," Miasma shrugged. "That horrible excuse for a police force -- nothing but a bunch of thugs, if you ask ME -- took a look around after you were--" she looked at Cerul sorrowfully and shook her head -- "after you left. But no, nobody's been inside since besides me, and _I_ sure wasn't about to go poking around in there without a good reason. I mean, who KNOWS what kind of crazy mumbo-jumbo you left laying around?"

Cerul grinned. "Mimi," he laughed, planting a big, wet kiss on the shocked ogress' wrinkled forehead, "ye're BEAUTIFUL!"

With that, the sorcerer was on his way, wrestling with the labyrinth of locks before throwing the front door wide open and disappearing around the corner. As Shrek and Donkey took off in pursuit, Mimi turned to the stunned Fiona, lifted a finger to tap the spot where Cerul had kissed her and grinned conspiratorially, a twinkle in her eye.

"It's the EARS…"

---------------

"What do you see?"

Cerul frowned at Shrek's question. "Not much," he barked back as he squinted into the dark interior of their former home. A thick layer of grime and mildew cloaked the windows as effectively as any blind or curtain, and as for the magic wand that had saved them in the tunnels…

"Stupid thing's gone belly-up again," the magician grumbled to himself, beating the carved stick against his palm but succeeding in producing nothing more than a sore hand.

Behind him, Shrek rolled his eyes. "Well, then…" the older ogre grunted as he forced his way past Cerul and into the house. From inside, Cerul could hear the thumps and crashes of a very big ogre making an even bigger mess, then--

"--let me introduce to a little bit o' magic I like t'call--"

The groan on wood under considerable stress caught Cerul's attention. A few feet away, one of the house's windows creaked open, and Shrek's grinning face popped through the opening.

"--THE SUN!" Shrek finished. "Maybe ye've heard of it?"

Cerul didn't respond to Shrek's teasing, but he joined his brother inside while Donkey waited on the front steps, both waiting for Fiona and serving as an enthusiastic if likely ineffective lookout. As Cerul set to work looking for … well, _whatever_ it was he was looking for, Shrek took a moment to give the old place a quick once-over. It certainly LOOKED as if no one had been inside in some time. Everything was coated in dust and cobwebs, painting the room a pale, ghostly gray. The table -- like the one in Shrek and Fiona's house, pieced together from old logs and worn, uneven boards -- and matching chairs had been overturned, and most of what had once sat in cabinets and bookcases was now scattered across the floor. A stack of dirty dishes sat in the washbasin, years overdue a good scrubbing. Still…

"Could be worse -- eh, Cerul?" Shrek called out. But Cerul wasn't listening. He was frantically scanning a shelf on the far wall, mumbling to himself as he pulled volume after dusty volume from its resting place, glanced at its title, cursed to himself and tossed it away until a small library of literature lay at his feet.

"C'mon, c'mon…" the wizard muttered anxiously as he discarded another worn tome, "somethin' has got t'still be here. They couldn't o' taken EVERYTHING!"

But apparently, "they" had. With a roar of frustration, Cerul slammed his fist against the shelf -- and immediately disappeared within a rolling cloudbank of thick, choking dust.

"Smooth move, Hex-Lax!" Shrek laughed as the sputtering Cerul struggled to clear the air. "Ye mind tellin' me what--"

"Hey! I distinctly asked for the No Smokin' section!" Donkey joked as he and Fiona finally strolled in. As Shrek turned to face them, Cerul managed to escape the dust cloud -- only to scamper up a ladder in one corner, push open a trapdoor above and vanish from sight again.

"Sorry about the mess," Shrek apologized, more to Fiona than to the oblivious Donkey. The princess laughed. "I live in a SWAMP, Shrek," she reminded the ogre with a giggle. "I think I'll survive a little dust." She glanced around. "Where'd your brother go?"

Shrek looked back at the ladder and the trapdoor above it. "I'm not sure," he growled. "But I'm about t'find out…"

Slowly, unsure the rickety ladder would hold together despite Cerul's ascension a moment earlier, Shrek climbed toward the trapdoor and pushed his way through the opening. It was a lot narrower than he remembered -- or more likely, he was a lot WIDER.

The second floor had been the brothers' bedroom. Bunk beds, draped in dust-thick blankets, leaned against one wall. A desk, dresser and more bookshelves filled the rest of the cramped room. Cerul was once again hard at work pillaging the shelves, leaving Shrek to dodge a barrage of hardbacks.

"They're not here, either!" Cerul whined. "I can't believe those … those TROGLODYTES … took ALL of them!"

Shrek ducked as another book whizzed past his bald head. "Took all o' WHAT?" he asked annoyed.

"My BOOKS!" Cerul bellowed, face red from anger and exertion.

"Books?"

Both ogres turned at the question. Donkey was laboring to push open the trap door while keeping his balance on the ladder -- no easy task with hooves. Finally, he lurched over the edge of the portal and into the room, coming to rest on threadbare rug that covered much of the wooded floor. "Shrek's got a whole HOUSE full of books!" he continued as if his awkward entrance and resulting spill had never happened. "Storybooks, cookbooks…"

Cerul shook his head. "Not THOSE kind o' books, Donkey," he sighed. "I need SPELL books -- ye know, MAGIC stuff?" He stomped past Shrek to the dresser and threw open the top drawer. "There's got t'be SOMETHIN' around here," the wizard grumbled as he dug through the drawer's long-forgotten contents. A couple pairs of old boxer shorts landed in Shrek's arms…

…then a stained undershirt…

…some mismatched socks…

…more underwear…

…and so on, until the pile of clothes towered over Shrek's head, the pair of green ears poking out from behind the mountain of laundry the only evidence an ogre lurked below.

"Look, Cer…" Shrek's muffled voice came through the clothes. "If it's magic yer wantin', let's just go home. Duloc's CRAWLIN' with magic! Maybe ye can bum a book offa--"

"NO!" Cerul yelled, slamming the drawer in anger, the force of his tantrum toppling Shrek's armload of laundry. "It doesn't quite work like that, OK? I can't just stroll inta the nearest Wandenbooks an' say, 'Excuse me, I'd like t'reserve the a copy o' _Merlin's E-Z Guide to Do-It-Yourself Wizardry and Other Spellcraft, Vol. 6_,' now can I?"

Donkey gawked at the wizard. "That a real book?" he asked, impressed Cerul could even remember the name.

Cerul paused and scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Actually," he said at last, "by now they're probably up to Volume 12 or--"

SNAP!

Cerul and Donkey flinched as Shrek snapped his fingers noisily in the space between sorcerer and steed. "Hello!" he chided his companions. "You two! Focus!"

The easily distracted duo turned to Shrek, pinning the ogre beneath twin glares. "There -- we're FOCUSED," Cerul growled. "Yeah! Happy now?" Donkey echoed the sentiment.

"Ecstatic," Shrek sighed. "Now … let's think, shall we? Are ye SURE ye checked everywhere, Cerul?"

"Yes."

"Ye checked ALL the bookshelves?"

"Yes."

"An' the desk? An' the dresser?"

"Yes!"

"How 'bout the--"

"YES!!!" Cerul roared. "I checked every last inch o' this place!"

Shrek shrugged helplessly. "Then I guess yer out o' luck, Cer."

Cerul started to respond, but a thought popped into his cap-covered head before he could form the words. "Out…" he mouthed to himself. "Out…that's IT!"

Without warning or explanation, Cerul leapt toward the trapdoor. "Look out below -- wizard coming through!" he bellowed as he plunged through the open trapdoor, not bothering with the ladder. Shrek cringed as a piercing and definitely feminine scream echoed through the house, followed by a hurried "Sorry, princess!" A second later, a shaken Fiona poked her head up through the opening. "So THIS is the second floor," she remarked as she took a seat on the edge of the opening, "You know, I've been looking around downstairs, and this place isn't so bad -- well, except for the roof." She gestured overhead to another trapdoor, this one nailed firmly shut. Its edges were ringed by more of the burn marks she'd seen from the outside, and sunlight filtered down from between the ominously warped planks that formed the ceiling around it. "What's up there, anyway?"

"It USED t'be Cerul's study," Shrek answered. "Ye know, where he'd whip up all his magical potions an' what have ye?"

"And now?"

"Now?" he chuckled. "NOW, it's the skylight."

The color drained from Fiona's face. "Oh," she managed in response, then quickly changed the subject. "Where was Cerul headed in such a hurry?"

Shrek took a seat on the lower bunk, kicking up another cloud of dust. "Ye got me, Fi," he sighed. "But I know where we're goin' -- HOME. So let's just head downstairs an' see if we can get out o' here before anything ELSE happens!"

Motioning for Fiona to lead the way, Shrek followed the princess down the ladder to the ground floor, Donkey not far behind. The pint-sized steed's back hooves had no sooner touched the floor then Cerul came barreling through the front door, grinning from ear to trumpet ear.

"GOT IT!" he crowed, waving a small black and yellow book. "Or t'be more precise, Grunder's goons DIDN'T get it!"

"Great…" Shrek grunted, looking anything but enthused. Fiona was at least curious. "Didn't get what?" she asked.

Cerul held up the book for inspection. On the cover, a stereotypical wizard, complete with long, flowing beard and peaked cap, pointed with glowing wand to the tome's title.

"_Magic for Dummies_?"

"Well, THAT's appropriate!" Shrek guffawed, but Cerul was too thrilled with his discovery to even acknowledge the insult. "It was sittin' out there in the outhouse the whole time," the wizard explained.

Donkey shuddered. "I believe it -- I know _I_ wouldn't wanna look in there!"

"Oh, they looked in the outhouse -- USED it, too, by the looks o' this book," Cerul laughed, holding up the book to show the ragged edges where pages had been torn out for other, less … _literary _… purposes. "Lucky for us, Grunder's bunch aren't exactly the brightest torches in the swamp."

Shrek started toward the door and put a hand on Cerul's shoulder. "Great, ye got yer book," he said tiredly. "Can we PLEASE go now?"

Cerul shook his head. "Not without a plan."

"A PLAN?!"

Cerul looked offended. "An' why not?" he asked. "Ye think ye're the only one who can come up with a plan around here? Listen, I've been doin' some thinking…"

"Oh, wonderful…"

"Those caves are the quickest way back t'Duloc, right?" Cerul continued. "I know it, so ye can bet Odius knows it, too -- an' I'm not in a real big hurry to go back t'Wizards' Row."

"Get to the point, Cer…" Shrek growled.

"The point IS," the wizard explained, "if we want inta those caves, we're gonn have t'be SUBTLE."

Shrek frowned, taking it all in. "I don't know…" he hesitated. "Fiona?"

The ex-ogress shrugged her shoulders. "He has a point, honey."

Shrek's frown deepened. "OK. Fine. So, Mister Wizard, do you HAVE a plan?"

"As a matter o' fact," Cerul replied proudly, "I DO. I just need t'borrow a couple things from next door."

Shrek eyed his sorcerous sibling suspiciously. "Borrow a few things?" he asked, already sure he wouldn't like the answer. "Like what?"

---------------

"A DRESS!?!"

Cerul nodded as Miasma gawked at him horror. "An' maybe a shawl, an old housecoat," he continued nonchalantly. "Whatever ye got layin' around…"

The ogress landlady shook her head ruefully. "I always heard you magic types were a little _different_, but…" She shrugged and started toward the closet. "Oh, well -- who am I to judge?"

Reaching the closet, Miasma threw open the door and, after a few seconds' inspection, began rummaging through the closet's cluttered contents. She plucked a few articles of clothing from their hangers and tossed them to Cerul. "Anything else, hon?" she asked as she closed the door.'

"Actually," Cerul answered as he examined Miasma's donations to the cause, "I kinda need a few things from yer kitchen, too -- if ye don't mind, that is."

"Help yourself," the ogress responded. Cerul excused himself, slipping through one of the doors leading off from the living room. "Me," she confided to the rest of her guests, "I'll be eating OUT tonight. If that lazy, no-good 'worse half' of mine thinks I'm going to feed another perfectly good home-cooked meal to the croc--"

"Worse half?" Donkey asked, a little confused as usual. "Doncha mean your BETTER half?"

Miasma smirked. "Obviously, you've never met my husband…"

"HUSBAND!?!"

Cerul, elbowing open the door as he returned from the kitchen, nearly dropped the groceries he'd just finished liberating from the landlady's larder. He set the overflowing armful of bags and bottles down on the coffee table. "Did EVERYBODY go an' get hitched while I was on the row?" he asked, shocked.

"Honey," Miasma purred as best her gravelly voice would allow, "I was 'hitched' LONG before you boys came along!"

But Cerul wasn't the only one caught off-guard by the revelation. "Really?" Shrek asked. "Ye never mentioned a husband…"

"Yeah," Cerul added, "an' it was always just you 'round here. I just assumed--"

"That'll teach you not to assume," Miasma corrected Cerul. "It makes an -- well, just take a look at your long-eared friend there."

Cerul glanced down at the equally perplexed Donkey, who just shrugged. He looked back at his ex-landlady. "I don't get it…"

Miasma just chuckled. "Never mind, kid," she laughed as she reached for one of the frames on the mantle. "But, yeah -- hate to break it to you, but I'm a married ogress. He was in … well, I guess you'd call it the army," she explained. "Nowadays, though, he's in the security business -- pulling guard duty up at that crooked king's castle."

She handed the photo to Shrek. Leering back at him in sepia tones was an ogre in bow tie and tails -- a wedding picture, no doubt. The picture was an old one, and its subject had aged quite a bit since it had been taken, but the face was unmistakable. Shrek felt a twinge of guilt as he passed the snapshot on to Cerul. Like Shrek, he recognized the ogre groom -- and, like Shrek, he felt his stomach sink at the realization. "THIS is yer husband, Mimi?" he croaked.

Miasma took the picture from Cerul and placed it back on the mantle. "That's my Brutus," she confirmed. "To be honest, I thought he'd be home by now -- guess he got tied up at work…"

Shrek and Cerul cringed at Miasma's unfortunate (though not inaccurate) choice of words, but the ogress didn't seem to notice. "But you boys don't want to hear about that," she continued. "Got everything you need, Cerul?"

Cerul tried to smile. "Think so, thanks," he answered weakly, looking at the smorgasbord sprawled across the table. "Lessee -- I've got eye of newt, toad's toes, a couple o' weed rats for that gamey flavor … Oh! An' the most ingredient of all! One big bag o'--"

---------------

"Onions?"

The two sentries looked at each other, then back at the unexpected late-night visitor cowering just within the glow of their torches. The old woman -- her quaking frame draped in layer after layer of clothes despite the warm, muggy evening -- was indeed holding out a huge onion in one trembling hand.

The lead sentry -- the younger of the two, judging by his relatively unlined face and almost respectable armor -- frowned. "Look … uh … ma'am," he said hesitantly, "you really shouldn't be up here. There's been a dungeon break -- a couple of out-of-town rabble-rousers and a wizard."

The old woman gasped. "A WIZARD?" she asked, lifting a hand to her shawl-draped face in horror. "How perfectly DREADFUL!"

The other sentry nodded. "You better be moving along, lady," he grunted. "It ain't safe out. Or didn't you see the roadblocks?"

"I saw them," the crone confessed, "but I didn't think anyone would worry about one lonely old woman."

"Can't be too careful, ma'am."

The woman nodded. "Well, you boys keep up the good work," she said. "And please, do have some onions." She drew another bulb from the bag slung over her stooped shoulder and forcing the two onions into the soldiers' hands. "In fact," she continued, "unexpectedly snatching the onions away and stuffing them back into the sack, "why don't you just take the whole bag?"

"I don't know…" the younger guard argued weakly.

"Oh, nonsense!" the ogress scolded. "We can't have you fine young ogres keeping the kingdom safe on an empty stomach, now can we?"

The first sentry grinned. "No, ma'am," he conceded, accepting the bag. "We sure can't."

He took an onion and tossed the rest to his older colleague. The second sentry dug into the sack, pulling out the biggest, plumpest bulb he could find. Both ogres devoured the tangy treats in a couple bites, reached for a second helping, then a third as the old woman looked on with a sly smile.

"These BURP! are pretty good, lady," the second guard piped up after his fourth onion in no more than a minute or two. "They pickled?"

The crone's smile grew wider beneath the shawl. "Something like that…" she answered cryptically.

"Well," the first sentry added, "they're pretty tasty, whatev … wha … whOOOF!"

Without warning, the soldier fainted away, eyes rolling back in his head, legs buckling uselessly beneath him. The other ogre stared at his partner in horror, then struggled to stand. "Y-you there!" he slurred. "Hal … ha … hoooooo, boy…" He, too, collapsed, joining his fellow sentry in a heap at the cave's mouth.

"Boys?" the old woman asked. "Boys? Are you all right?"

The older guard snored loudly, dead to the world.

The crone grinned. "That's what I like t'hear!" 'she' laughed, voice dropping into a deep brogue. "OK, coast is clear!"

On cue, Shrek poked up his head from behind one of the rocks dislodged by the landslide he'd caused upon arrival in Slobberknob, Fiona and Donkey quickly following suit. The husband and wife looked more relieved than anything, but their four-legged friend was furious -- in no small part because of the rope knotted tightly around his otherwise unstoppable mouth.

"Well, it's about time!" Shrek huffed as she set to work untying Donkey. "What took so long?"

Donkey gasped for air as the ropes fell loose. "Yeah, what took so long?" he wheezed, stretching his jaws as if making sure everything was still in working order. "An' you, green boy!" he barked at Shrek, "you gonna PAY for that one! Ya can't go around tyin' people up like that! That's…that's animal cruelty, is what THAT is! I oughtta turn you in to the--"

Shrek scowled at his talkative companion. "An' ye wonder why I gagged you?" he hissed, shaking the rope threateningly.

"An' _I_'m still wonderin'," Cerul griped as he sloughed the disguise and fussily balanced his wizard's hat back atop his shaggy head, "why _I_ had t'wear the dress?"

It was the easiest set-up Shrek had been given all day -- maybe since this little quest had begun. "Hey, it WAS your plan. Besides," he snickered, "ye've got PRACTICE!"

While Shrek enjoyed a good belly-laugh at his brother's expense, Fiona stepped out from behind the rubble and tiptoed her way past the slumbering sentries. "Well, Cerul," she said as she made her way to the cave, "I have to admit -- that sleeping potion of yours really worked! You don't a know a girl by the name of Snow White by any chance, do you?"

Cerul was absolutely lost. "Snow WHO?"

Fiona sighed. "She's another princess," she explained. "She used to be under a sleeping spell, too, because this wicked witch gave her a poison apple--"

Cerul turned up his nose. "Apple?" he asked, disgust thick in his voice. "Humans actually EAT those horrible things? One more reason t'be glad I'm an ogre…"

Fiona started to argue, but decided against it. "We can compare menus later," she answered simply as she braced herself against the huge boulder between her and home. "Right now, we've got other worries -- like moving this big OOF! heavy GRUNT! rock!"

The rock didn't move an inch, but Fiona couldn't help BUT be moved as Shrek wrapped a thick arm around her waist and pulled her aside. "Best stand back, Fi," he grunted as he took her place in front of the boulder, "an' leave the heavy liftin' to the--"

"The WHAT?" Fiona huffed, glowering up at her flabbergasted husband. "The MEN? I've got news for you, _pal_. I've already got a donkey" -- she gestured to their furry friend -- "I don't need a PIG, too!"

Shrek gazed down at his clearly incensed wife, confused and a little irritated himself by the accusation. "Actually, _dear_," he said quietly, crouching down to look Fiona in the eye, "I was goin' to say OGRES."

Fiona and Shrek glared at each other for a second, neither willing to back down. For once, it was Fiona who looked away first.

"Sorry," she apologized with a guilty grin. Shrek smiled tiredly. "S'okay -- we're all a little antsy t'get home," he reassured her. "So … ready, Cer?"

Cerul took his spot next to Shrek. "Ready," he grunted. Together, the brothers put all their ogre might into budging the boulder from its resting place. At first, nothing happened, and Shrek feared that they had come this far only to be thwarted by his own earlier carelessness. But little by little, the massive stone was forced aside until a sliver of darkness was visible between it and the cave wall.

Shrek stepped back to better gauge whether the tiny opening would be enough to let them through.

"It'll be a tight squeeze," he announced at last, "but I think we'll make it."

Cerul removed his hat and stuck his head through the gap, but there wasn't much to see but black. "Ye sure about this?" he asked as he pulled his head out again. "Do ye know how t'get back? Do ye even know where ye're goin'?"

Shrek grabbed the torches still burning from the sentries' ill-fated stakeout, handing one to Cerul and another to Fiona, keeping a third for himself. "T'be honest, Cer?" he asked as he prepared to plunge once again into the darkness. "At this point, ANYWHERE is better than here…"

---------------


	19. Lost and Found

Chapter 19

"Lost and Found"

"Ye call THIS better?"

Shrek did his best to ignore Cerul's barbs as he surveyed what little of his subterranean surroundings could be seen by the light of the torches, their flames flickering uncertainly in the drafty cave mouth. The tunnel looked about like he'd imagined -- choked with debris and still-settling dust, the splintered stone beneath his feet the result of collapsing ceiling and shifting floor alike.

Shrek was no spelunker (though he'd racked up his fair share of experience underground in the past few days), but he had a sinking feeling that a catastrophic cave-in wasn't far off -- and his little band had best be far away when that time came. He headed off down the tunnel, the others close behind.

"Whew!" Donkey gasped as he gawked at the damage. "I'll say this for ya, Shrek -- when you make a mess, you don't mess around!"

Shrek sighed, too exhausted even to offer a decent argument. "Well, ye know, Donkey," he growled, not bothering to turn around as he trudged along, "I had a little help…"

Donkey snorted, shaking his head disapprovingly. "Hey, now, don't go blamin' Fiona for this -- she's had a hard enough time the last couple days!" he scolded.

Shrek's jaw dropped at the accusation, but the bemused grin on his wife's face told him the misunderstanding was the animal's alone. "Besides," Donkey continued, "only reason she's even here is 'cause she was out chasin' YOUR big green butt! Y'know, if it wasn't for you, we'd all be back--"

"Home," Shrek sighed. "I know."

Donkey nodded, a little taken aback by Shrek's admission. "Yeah, well ... I hope you've learned your lesson, is all I'm sayin'"

"Oh, aye -- I've learned m'lesson," Shrek grumbled, mouthing the words with exaggerated enunciation. "I promise I'll never sneak out o' the house in the middle o' the night to track down shady-looking ogre acquaintances who mysteriously show up on my doorstep ever again? Happy?"

Donkey paused, turning over the wordy and overly specific oath in his head. "Uh ... yeah, sure. Sounds good."

Shrek smirked. "Great," he answered. "Now that we've got THAT settled, how 'bout doin' me a favor?"

"Hey, sure thing, pal -- name it."

"Be-

Shrek stifled a yelp of pain as he stubbed his toe on something half-buried in the rubble, leather boot offering little in the way of protection for his already aching foot. Reaching down, the ogre pulled a dusty wooden plank from the jumble of rocks strewn across the cave floor.

"Be?" Donkey asked in confusion, oblivious to both Shrek's mishap and his discovery. "That's deep, man. That's like 'If Humpty Dumpty takes a great fall an' nobody's around to hear it, does he make a sound?' deep. Or, 'What's the sound o' one hoof clappin'?' deep. Besides, I AM bein'! Ya know what they say, 'I think, therefore I am.' So that means I am. At least, I THINK I am ... Man, that's a tough one! Makin' my head hurt just thinking about it. An' if I'm thinking, that means ... uh ..."

"Donkey!"

Shrek's furry companion ceased his philosophical ponderings and looked up at the ogre. "Yeah?"

"Be quiet."

"But you said--"

"I was TRYIN' to say--"

"But you SAID--"

"BE QUI-" Shrek started to yell, but caught himself as he remembered his previous temper tantrum, the consequences of which lay all around them. "_Be quiet!_" he hissed, holding up the relic he'd found amongst the rubble. Written across the familiar-looking wooden sign were the words 'Quiet -- Falling Rocks.'

"Quiet," Shrek repeated, holding the torch dangerously close to the combustible sign, illuminating the words for good measure. "Think ye can manage that?"

"If you ask me -- not that anybody has, mind you --I think EVERYBODY could stand to turn it down a notch."

Ogre and steed screeched to a halt at the previously silent Fiona's suggestion, but the princess didn't miss a beat as she continued down the passageway. When she had a good 20-yard lead on both, she turned to face the still stunned pair. "Come on, guys -- less talking, more walking," she scolded, gesturing toward the distant tunnel exit. "If we're going to rehash these same old arguments over and over" -- she drew a dramatic breath -- "... and over ... and over ... I'd at least like to do it in the comfort of my own home, instead of in some dark, dreary cave that's probably going to come crashing down on us at any second. But that's just this princess' opinion."

With that, she resumed her march down the tunnel, leaving Shrek and Donkey wordless in her wake.

Shrek was finally shaken from his stupor by a slap on the back as Cerul slipped past him. "Hate to say it, bro," the wizard chuckled as he passed, "but that princess o' yours has a point. Last thing we need is a cave-in."

Shrek didn't answer, barely noticing as Donkey fell in step behind the wannabe wizard. His eyes fixed squarely on the worn wooden sign still in his hands, Cerul's words echoing in his ears. The wheels in his head began to turn, a plan forming ...

"Actually, Cer," Shrek said quietly, more to himself than to his brother well out of earshot, "a cave-in might be EXACTLY what we need…"

He dropped the sign and ran to rejoin his companions at the end of the corridor, which opened into a much larger (and, Shrek hoped, much sturdier) chamber, the stone bridge he, Fiona and Donkey had crossed on their previous visit just visible in the distance.

"Cover yer ears!" the ogre gasped as he reached the others, out of breath from his sprint through the tunnel. Fiona stared at him in confusion but complied, throwing her hands over her mundanium-shrunken ears. Taking his cue from the ex-ogress, Donkey folded his ears over themselves as tightly as he could manage, and even the contrary Cerul pulled his wizard's cap tight over his trumpet-shaped extremities.

Satisfied that proper precautions had been taken, Shrek turned back toward the tunnel and took a deep breath. His chest swelled, the leather of his vest creaking as it stretched to the breaking point—

"RRRAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Shrek's terrible ogre roar echoed through the caverns, booming from the stone walls and calling back at him from every direction. Overhead, a swooping, screeching storm cloud of bats, rudely awakened from their slumbers, swarmed toward some unseen exit far overhead, doing their best to escape the noise -- and the destruction such outbursts inevitably brought with them.

Sure enough, a low rumble shook the cave. Within the tunnel, a few pebbles dropped from the ceiling ... then bigger, fist-sized rocks that clattered and bounced down the passageway ... then massive boulders which hit the floor with the ear-splitting crack of stone on stone ... and finally, the entire ceiling began to splinter and shift, tons of stone suddenly free-falling through the earth, swallowing up the tunnel and everything inside it.

Shrek was knocked off his feet by the rush of air suddenly displaced by the falling rocks, the force of the blast sending the ogre tumbling end over end in a thick, gritty haze that rivaled the bat-cloud still streaming overhead.

Blinded by the dust and half-deafened by the din of the cave-in, Shrek struggled to find his way back to his horror-stricken companions.

Fiona rushed to hold him, just glad to see he was alive and in one piece -- then shoved him away, blue eyes flashing.

"Have you gone INSANE, Shrek!" she shrieked. "You could have been killed! We ALL could've been killed! I could have been killed!"

Shrek shrugged, rubbing the back of his bald head self-consciously. "Hey, at least we know we won't be followed!" he offered with a sheepish grin.

Fiona frowned. "Well, could you at least WARN a girl next time?" she asked. "As if my nerves weren't frazzled enough…"

"Yeah, nice one," Cerul sniffed. "Just in case anybody didn't already know we were here…"

"Anybody? WHO, anybody?" Shrek asked mockingly. "Who's down here t'know? Spiders and mushrooms and bats, oh my!"

With that, Shrek stomped off toward the bridge ahead, throwing an arm around the waist of the still fuming Fiona. "C'mon, Donkey!" he barked, and together the three set off, leaving Cerul to his thoughts.

The wizard scanned his surroundings suspiciously, struggling to pierce the shadows that seemed to lurk in every nook and cranny. "Always think ye're _so_ smart…" Cerul grumbled as he took one last look around, staring hard into a particularly deep shadow in one corner of the chamber. Finding nothing, the sorcerer shook his head with disgust and hurried after his brother and friends as they set out again for an end to their long and arduous journey.

Had Cerul looked a little longer, a little closer, he might have just caught the glint of cunning in the wide pinkish eyes staring back at him from the shadows that had held his attention. Below the pale orbs, a wide grin of tiny, wickedly sharp teeth shone from the darkness; from it, a high-pitched giggle echoed Shrek's mocking words:

"Spiders and mushrooms and bats, oh my…"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Oh, no…"

"We are NOT lost!" Shrek reassured Fiona. Truth be told, he WAS, just maybe, a little bit lost -- not, 'I have no idea where I am' lost, but more 'Do we take a left or a right at the giant glowing toadstool?' lost. Of course, it didn't help that this giant glowing toadstool looked just like the other thousands of giant glowing mushrooms towering overhead, nor did it help that their dazzling light and sheer scenery-swallowing numbers made it all but impossible to find any other landmarks to guide one's way through the fungal forest.

Despite his claims to the contrary, Shrek's hesitance was obvious -- which didn't do much for Fiona's confidence.

"Not again…" she moaned, burying her head in her hands and forcing herself to take a deep breath. "PLEASE tell me this isn't happening again…"

Shrek looked offended. "This ISN'T happening again!" the ogre protested. "I know where I'm goin'!"

"Really?" Fiona asked. "So which way is it?"

Shrek looked around and scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Lessee…" he mumbled to himself. "I think we ... no, wait ... maybe it's…"

"You have no idea -- DO you?"

"Hey!" Shrek yelped. "I got us this far, didn't I? We've crossed the bridge over the bottomless pit, right?"

"Right…"

"And we made it through the bat cave, right?"

"Well, there WEREN'T any bats -- you saw to THAT with your little stunt earlier."

Shrek scowled, annoyed. "But we DID go through it, bats or no bats. And now we're in the mushroom forest -- bridge, bats, mushrooms. Last time, it went 'shrooms, bats, bridge. So obviously," he wrapped up his defense, "we're on the right track. I just ... need t'get my bearings, is all…"

Fiona's eyebrows arched in disbelief. "Get your bearings?" she asked incredulously. "In other words, figure out where we are. In other words -- LOST."

"FINE!" Shrek roared, throwing his hands into the air in frustration. "We're lost. Happy?"

"Not really…" Fiona grumbled.

"Look, ye don't want me leadin' the way, that's fine by me! But if I don't, who will?"

Forgotten in the heat of the moment, a smirking Cerul raised a hand -- and dropped it quickly as husband and wife both spun to glare at him.

"STAY OUT OF THIS!"

Cerul's shock at the stereo scolding faded to a simmering indignation as ogre and princess returned to their argument, leaving the wizard to sulk in silence.

Cerul was still steaming when he felt a nudge at his elbow. He looked down to find Donkey -- looking bored by the entire spectacle -- staring back at him. The animal nodded for the ogre to follow him. With one last look back at the bickering couple, Cerul followed Donkey through the toadstool maze, in search of shelter from the storm of words brewing.

"They always bicker like this?" the azure ogre asked as soon as they were out of earshot. Donkey rolled his eyes. "This is nothin'," he confided. "Just wait 'til they REALLY get goin'…"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

They weren't getting anywhere -- literally or figuratively -- and that was beginning to wear on Shrek and Fiona's nerves. The squabbling spouses agreed that it was imperative they get home in a hurry, before the landslide-stymied hordes of invading ogres found an alternative route to Duloc, and Shrek's sleepy swamp in the process.

But that was about the only thing they agreed on. Fiona wanted to get home -- NOW -- and she wasn't completely convinced Shrek knew how to get them there, at least not without a lot of trial-and-error backtracking; the ogre was adamant, however, that he had the little band of fugitives well on their way.

"We'll be there in no time," Shrek assured his doubting wife. "Trust me."

"I DO trust you," Fiona sighed, as tired of their arguing as she was of dark caves and drafty tunnels and the threat of ogre armies hot on their well-traveled heels. "And I don't doubt that you THINK you know where you're going…"

"But?"

"BUT…" Fiona confessed, "We've been down here for … I don't KNOW how long, and -- well, I'm not entirely sure we're really any closer to home than we were when we started."

Fiona braced for another outburst from her argumentative husband, but Shrek just plopped down on one of the shorter toadstools, kicking up a cloud of iridescent spores in the process, and gestured for Fiona to join him. He liked a good fight as much as any ogre, if not more, but even he had to admit that this tiff wasn't doing him or Fiona -- or Donkey and Cerul, wherever THEY were hiding -- any good. "What do you suggest, then?" he asked as his wife took a seat next to him. "Find the closest cave directory an' look for the big arrow that says 'You Are Here'?"

THUNK!

A primitive, stone-tipped arrow imbedded itself in the ground just inches from the lovers' feet, shaft humming from the force of the weapon's impact. Ogre and princess jumped to their feet, worries of getting home momentarily forgotten in the face of more immediate concerns -- like who was shooting at them, and why.

The answer to 'who,' at least, wasn't long in coming.

"Hob?"

The head that peeked over the crown of a nearby toadstool certainly bore an uncanny resemblance to Slobberknob's crusty custodian -- same squinty pink eyes, same outsized ears, same squashed snub nose. But the creature scuttling its way across the glowing fungus canopy was definitely NOT Hob. It looked wilder, scruffier, and the patchwork of rags and furs that hung from its scrawny physique were a far cry from the gremlin's soiled but sturdy work clothes.

"Goblin…" Shrek whispered to Fiona, as if knowing what to call the thing made it somehow less of a threat.

Fiona rolled her eyes. "Oh, you think?" she hissed sarcastically. "I KNOW it's a goblin, Shrek! What does it WANT?"

"I don't know," Shrek huffed as he stooped to pick up something from the cave floor, "and frankly, m'dear, I don't give a-Oof!"

He sent the rock he'd grabbed whistling through the air between him and the goblin. The projectile struck just short of the creature's perch with a thud and clattered to the ground, leaving a dent in the toadstool as proof of the stone's flight.

"Hey, you!" Shrek bellowed. "Get lost!"

The goblin looked down at the spot where the stone had struck, then back to the ogre. "LOST!" it shrieked back at him, the cry reverberating from the depths of the cavern.

"Oh, for…" Shrek grumbled. "For the last time, I am not-"

"LOST!"

Somewhere close -- far too close for Shrek and Fiona's liking -- another cry pierced the air.

"LOST!"

Another, even closer.

"LOST!"

And another.

"LOST!"

And another.

"LOST!"

And another, until Shrek and Fiona were forced to shield their ears to keep from being deafened by the cacophony of them all, voice after tiny voice calling out from seemingly every rock, every mushroom, every shadow—

And then, just as suddenly, all was silent.

Shrek and Fiona looked around, unsure what to expect. "Well, at least it's quiet…" Shrek whispered as his eyes scanned the cavern for signs of more goblins.

"Yeah," Fiona agreed grimly. "Maybe TOO quiet."

Shrek chuckled under his breath. "Funny, I was just gonna say the same thAAAH!"

The ogre screamed, shaking his right leg frantically. At the end of it hung another goblin, jaws clamped tight around Shrek's calf. As if on cue, dozens more of the ravenous little creatures suddenly descended on the couple, more than one toting tiny spears like the "arrow" that had landed at the couple's feet a few moments earlier.

Quickly sizing Shrek up as literally the bigger threat, the bulk of the beasts pounced on the ogre, his hulking frame sagging under the weight of a dozen or more biting, clawing assailants. "Ow! Hey, watch it! What are ye -- OUCH! Why, you little--" he growled and griped as he struggled to slough his attackers, to little avail. With too many tiny hands in his face and his attention elsewhere, Shrek failed to notice one of the goblins crouch behind him -- until the back of his heel caught the creature, sending the outraged ogre tumbling backward.

"That's IT!" he bellowed as he scrambled to his hands and knees. He shook himself like a huge (and VERY irritated) dog, sending goblins flying in every direction. He labored to his feet, took an unsteady step forward -- and winced. He glared down at the determined goblin still gnawing furiously on his leg. "Hey -- I'm NOT a drumstick!" he roared. "So get OFF!"

His foot snapped forward in the most potent kick he could manage under the circumstances. The goblin went sailing across the clearing, a piece of Shrek's leggings still in its teeth, landing with a thud and a yelp of annoyance against a faraway toadstool.

Shrek snorted with satisfaction, then turned again to find his wife. "Fiona?"

"I'm over here!"

Shrek glanced over his shoulder. The goblins had finally noticed the princess, but she looked to Shrek to be handling herself pretty well -- especially for someone recently de-ogred. She was holding the miniature mob at bay with a flurry of kicks and karate chops, keeping all but the most aggressive of her assailants at bay.

"Fiona!"

Shrek began to wade through the knee-high crowd, the goblins' numbers threatening to sweep his feet out from underneath him. Overhead, more were scrambling for the high ground. Using the taller toadstools as launch pads, they leapt over their grounded brethren for an aerial assault.

"Hi-YA!" Fiona barked as she knocked one high-flying attacker from the air.

"Ha!" She managed to get a leg up just in time to punt another one away.

"Hee-yah!" She let loose with a wild right cross, bashing an incoming goblin square in the nose—

"Ow!"

and winced as a familiar pain shot up her hand. She'd forgotten about her earlier run-in with Odius' hard-headed guards. The hand wasn't broken -- of that she was pretty certain -- but it was definitely tender, and beating on goblins with it wasn't helping along the healing process much.

"Not good, Fi," she muttered to herself, shaking the hand. "Not good at -- EEP!"

She ducked as another goblin came sailing through the air, just missing the distracted princess—

"Aargh!"

and instead hit Shrek full force in the face. It latched on to the ogre's head, wrapping its clawed hands around the handlebar-like ears conveniently jutting from his head.

"Get off o' me!" Shrek growled, voice muffled by the goblin clinging stubbornly to his face. He batted blindly at the little monster, trying to dislodge it but doing more damage to himself. Finally, one huge hand clamped over the goblin's head. Shrek peeled the beast from his face and held it at arm's length, cocking his fist for the knockout blow. He swung -- and nearly wrenched his arm out of socket as the swing was halted well short of its target.

He turned to find a thin but sturdy-looking leather rope wrapped around his wrist, a half-dozen goblins anchoring it at its far end. With a snarl, he jerked his arm forward, snapping the rope and sending the goblins flying -- but dropping their comrade in the struggle.

He lunged forward in a desperate attempt to catch his escaping quarry but managed only to fall on his face, nose hitting the stone floor painfully. Head spinning and eyesight blurry, he looked down to find more goblin ropes wrapped around his legs. He tried to kick, to wriggle free of the bonds, but the ropes held tight.

And before he could figure another way out of the predicament, the goblins were on him.

"SHREK!"

Fiona saw Shrek go down, watched her husband disappear beneath a swarm of cackling, clawing goblins. She began to wade her way through the throng of attackers, fighting for each step toward her imperiled spouse. Finally breaking free, she began to sprint toward him, high-stepping her way through the maze of goblin ropes now criss-crossing the clearing. But there were just too many. She felt her foot catch on one of the tripwires. She stumbled, hit another. Her feet slipped out from under her, sending the princess sprawling. She tried to get up, but she could feel the ropes tightening. She was stuck. She was in serious trouble. She needed—

"HELP!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Hey, you hear something?"

Cerul sat up from his resting spot atop one of the stray boulders littering the cave. "Considerin' we came out this far just so we WOULDN'T hear 'em?" he grumbled, "Nope. Didn't hear a thing."

Donkey chuckled. "They WERE gettin' a little out of hand, weren't they?"

"A little?"

"Yeah, well, that was NOTHIN'!"

"So you said," Cerul nodded.

"An' if you think the fightin' is bad, you should stick around for the makin' up!"

"No thanks!" Cerul shuddered. "I'd rather not think about m'brother an' that…that…HUMAN…"

Donkey studied the magician with a scowl. "What's your problem, man?" he asked pointedly. "Ever since we found you, it's been nothin' but whinin' and moanin'. I mean, it's not like we broke you outta jail or anything!"

Cerul shook his head dismissively "Ye wouldn't understand…" he grunted, shifting his weight to turn away from Donkey.

But Donkey wasn't giving up THAT easily.

"Why not?" he pestered the wizard. "Why wouldn't I understand, smart guy? Ya think I'm some kinda dumb as-"

"I get it," Cerul groaned, throwing up a hand to stop him in mid-pun. "I just don't feel like talking about it, OK? Besides, it's … complicated…"

Donkey rolled his eyes. "Complicated?" he asked with a sneer. "So Shrek can be a big green jerk sometimes -- what's so complicated about THAT?"

"Well-" Cerul started to answer, but Donkey was on a roll and not about to let this train of thought get derailed.

"What I don't get," the animal continued, "is how come you're so hard on FIONA all the time? It's not like the princess ever did nothin' to you!"

"Yeah?" Cerul snapped. "Well -- she might as well have!"

It wasn't exactly the response Donkey had been expecting. "How you figure that?"

"I…" Cerul struggled for the words. "Have you SEEN her?"

Donkey tossed his head impatiently. "Yeah, yeah, yeah -- she's human. I GET it! But what's that got to do with you?"

Cerul paused, as if he'd wanted to say something, but thought the better of it. But Donkey wasn't letting the topic go so easily.

"What?"

Cerul scowled. "Nothin'"

Donkey wasn't buying it. "Oh, no! Don't you 'nothin'' me! I been around your brother long enough to know a secret when I don't hear one. So make with the story time!"

Cerul sighed. "Ye want a story?"

Donkey nodded enthusiastically.

"Fine, then," the would-be wizard huffed. "My story started … well, once upon a time…"


End file.
